Where has he gone?

[Chocolatebunnie]

I see a very small sighting of the man who used to be so horrible to me

Hes gone, its been ages and its incredibly perfect like the beginning of a reltionship when everything is rosy. Has he decided to be a better partner, was it me? Is it my outlook?

He has been so incredibly kind and thoughtful, not perfect but Im no saint either.

This has got to be the longest its been ok for years if ever.

I cannot get my head round this, Im in touch with local WA and I now feel like I have made a mistake, that I have overreacted and dont need their support.

Infact all the horrible stuff feels like a distant memory and is a blurr, I know if he returns to being nasty it will hit me hard in so many ways but right now its ok

Anyone else been through this spell or going through it who relates.

[nbumblebee]

CN mine has been nice for months my counsellor says it can be like this for years sometimes but that they will always show their true colours again always. Now mine has started to creep back very small niggles very small but im certain whats small to us is huge to someone in a “normal” relationship. For example we had a night away i paid for it all and had a nice time but he complained that i didnt wear something he wanted me too now that is all he keeps going on about. How I didnt do the one thing he wanted. I have a cold he tells me i shouldnt go to work but yet woke me up (detail removed by Moderator) to make a (detail removed by Moderator). Small tiny things.
Yours will come back too I fear so dont ever let down your guard dont let him back in not now you have come so far and learnt so much. Youve got this CB. X*x

[Chocolatebunnie]

I feel we are both going through this in a similar way in how we have learnt about what is happening and how we have both tried hard to become stronger and put up with less. Very similar stories in our relationships with our husbands.

I hadnt seen anything nasty from him for a month or so and just after posting on here as you say there were little niggles things I noticed and I snapped at him way before it got anywhere. I felt bad for snapping and then my mind spun thinking was i looking for his nasty behaviour, was I triggering him and his reaction if I had just done things differently. To top it off I was still looking for his reaction after I snapped and he was absolutely fine with me which again spun my head some more, I put it behind me as I always do and moved on. Just wonder at this point if it is me.

Local WA have said I can go back to them at any point but right now I’m coping and dont feel like dragging things up whilsst its all ok. I have had lots of problems besides this and just am not ready for anything more.

I dont think my guard will ever be down, but also cant help having feelings for him and wanting things to be ok.

xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi CB, yes mine could be nice for long periods of time… the abuse always crept back though bit by bit..

I now look back and think wow, he knew how to behave when he wanted to.. that meant he also knew when he was being abusive.

I think swinging from being nasty to “perfect like the beginning of a reltionship when everything is rosy” is back to a love bombing stage and agree with Nbumblebee, don’t let your guard down.

Keep posting
HFH ❤️

[Chocolatebunnie]

It’s so strange HFH as he’s never been so nice if I’m honest. Even in the very early days he wasn’t like this.

I keep thinking has he finally realised is this the new him?

I am aware and know deep down it’s likely he will snap back to his old self we’ll see.

He’s never been so affectionate, taking me out spending time as a couple, that was always me wanting it from him and he used to always focus his attention to the kids making me feel unnoticed or his mum or drugs or drink. I was never enough second best.

It’s like he’s changed, grown up or is now appreciating me. Even the odd Romantic message little things if he had been moody just to let me know how he feels. He never did this before, I keep wondering if someone is giving him relationship advice.

I sound foolish I know, maybe, but I’ve been with him so very long.

Is it lovebombing? Probably and if so he’s getting better at it, I think if it is lovebombing he’s getting wiser with age.

Maybe I don’t expect much and this is still minimal effort?

Guard will forever be up HFH I don’t think I will ever let my guard down for anyone ever again.

XX

[Hereforhelp]

CB, you do not sound foolish at all .. most of us on this forum have remained because of nice phases.. no judgements here ever…

I was thinking maybe keep a journal of this nice phase? Also.. would you feel comfortable talking to him about how his behaviour has changed and you have noticed X, Y or Z and mention some differences from when he was being nasty towards you? I say that as if he is being a decent partner he would surely be open to a discussion if you wanted to do so? Having said that, when I was with my husband and he was nice, I didn’t want to bring his nasty abusive stuff up in a nice phase as I used to be afraid it would set him off again but I also wanted to talk to him about some of his abuse as i wanted him to take responsibility for his actions/behaviour. But, I also was afraid to bring up his behaviour when he was nasty as I was Too afraid to say anything as I knew he would kick off…so nothing was spoken about his abuse… I just went along with him when he was nice and would hope he had genuinely changed.

big hugs
HFH ❤️

[nbumblebee]

We dont want to believe CB not deep down. We dont want to believe our husband are n word abusers that thwy know what thwy are doing that they do it cause they like it they want to cause us pain we dont want to believe it which is why when they are nice as we say we think thwy have changed that we were wrong that we did what millions of others couldnt and changed them.
Its why we stay dispite the pqin thw hurt the fear we stay becquse even though we see it even though we talk about it here even though we know its true we dont want to believe its true and until we really honestly truely believe we remain stuck here in this loop.

We have got to find a way CB to believe to trust our guts that little n****e deep down that small voice we can hear we hqve got to find a way to listen and believe.

Stay safe but keep that guard uo CB he will change back im so sorry but he will. Xxxxx

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