Where is the line?

[Buildmeupbuttercup]

I’ve had people tell me that my boyfriend is abusive but I really doubt it. I want a clear answer because it will affect what I choose to do about my situation.

One day I was very very sick and I suspected that I’d had an allergic reaction to an ingredient in the food I hadn’t tried before. I proceeded to tell everyone in my life that I was avoiding that ingredient until I could have an allergen test. One day he proclaimed to me that I wasn’t allergic after all because he’d (detail removed by moderator) to test my theory.

I have been staying with my family for a little while and he’s not been allowed to come and visit which for me has been really good. However, he’s been really guilt-tripping me to get me to see him- he can’t sleep and is very depressed without me, etc.

He is very jealous- of my friends and even family. He is quite sexually demanding and increasingly critical yet he shows little interest in my sexual desires. Sex has been painful for me for almost a year now.

I have two questions.
1) Is this abuse?
2) If I leave him, should I be scared of retaliation?

[Lisa]

Hi Buildmeupbuttercup,

Thank you for sharing with us, I am sorry to hear how your boyfriend is treating you. I hope it has helped to post on the forum to others who understand.

You have described abusive behaviours from your boyfriend. Each relationship is of course unique but there are common patterns with abusive behaviour. Abuse is about power and control- he is choosing to act this way. No one can tell you what to do as it has to be your decision but reaching out for support, finding out your options based on your circumstances and putting a safety plan in place can help. Abusive people are very often unpredictable and the risk increases when leaving or having left a relationship.

You could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via the Live Chat service (open every day). The support workers won’t tell you what to do, but they can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Keep posting when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Mom of two]

Hope you feel safe here! I feel so bad for what your going through!

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Buildmeupbuttercup

He’s run risks with your life. That may sound dramatic, but in all honesty, he cannot have known what a second exposure to an ingredient you showed an allergic reaction to could have done to you. He’s taken control out of your hands with this, when you made it abundantly clear to everyone that you didn’t want this ingredient again. How can you ever trust anything he does for you now? What food he gives you to eat, or even drinks?

If sex is painful once, then that’s sufficient cause for you to want it to stop, and expect it to. Noone should be having to repeat something they found painful and distressing. If it was a poke in the eye, would that be clearer? If he kept poking you in the eye, you would know for yourself and it’s sad that so much of society have very blurred lines around sex, and what women feel ‘obliged’ to be subjected to.

It sounds like you are in the process of making your big decisions about how your life with him has been, and yes, retaliation is something you will need to prepare yourself for. I am glad you have somewhere safe to be with your family where he is not welcomed/allowed to go.

We are always here for you, so if you need anything, even just to vent, I hope you feel comfortable to do that here. Strength to you for your choices.

I would also recommend the Freedom Programme to you, it will help with understanding why an abuser does what he does, and what the typical tactics are, that you would recognise. It’s also great for establishing safe boundaries for yourself.

warmest wishes

ts

[Author]

Posts