Where to begin?

[solve or survive]

I have only recently (yesterday/today) began to acknowledge that I am experiencing emotional abuse. It feels like a lot to process. I’m not ready to consider leaving him yet as the relationship is complex and deep (probs some subconscious fawning or justification going on here), and I know that we all handle situations differently, but where do you begin to process something like this? I don’t want to suppress or repress it, but I also don’t want it to consume and distress me and make me act ‘odd’ around him.

I hope that makes sense. Could anyone share their experience of how they processed that initial realisation that they were experiencing abuse?

[lover of no contact]

Hi and welcome,

You are in the right place. When the scales lifted from my eyes and I first saw his look of contempt for me I froze. I remember we were on holidays and then I went for my usual walk on my own and sobbed my heart out for 45 mins. And then I came back, wiped away the tears and pretended everything was ok. This was a first for me, I’d normally be honest with him over everything (thinking he was with me) but deep down I knew I had to keep this to myself. I parked it until we came home from holidays but vowed I’d reach out for support from then and I did.

Awareness is very painful. Denial is a security blanket and we won’t drop the blanket until we’re ready. The 3 A’s are Awareness, Acceptance & Action. In my experience Awareness is very painful for me and takes a long while to move to Acceptance (of the reality, of the truth of the situation ) which is easier.

I find journaling is helpful where I write down all thoughts even if I feel they’re mean (I had extreme loyalty ) to him. And then shred or burn the paper. Posting on here where we can be truthful about what’s really going on and where there’s no judgement is also invaluable

Keep posting your thoughts & feelings. The longest journey starts with the first step.

 

[TheMouseBites]

For me I think it was a slow process of réalisations arriving in stages. It took me a long time. I couldn’t help but start acting a bit odd around him, because the whole thing is odd. I realised it wasn’t me acting odd, I was just starting to act normal in an odd situation. I stopped sharing vulnerabilities with him, I started being secretive, and I just watched what was happening. I wondered if I was weird or avoidant or incapable of commitment or cold or any number of other ‘faults’. It wasn’t easy.
Then I resolved to be absolutely the best, most loving person I could be. To do my absolute best to make the relationship work. When I was still slated for not being good enough I knew it was over. I’d tried my best.
The final stage went fast. I just typed into an internet search engine some of the behaviours of his that I found most troubling and unusual ( in that other people had never done it). I watched what came up on the videos and read the articles.
Part of me regrets it took such a long time and I ‘wasted’ so many years. But actually I think we have to get there in our own time

[Author]

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