- This topic has 11 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 11 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I thought I came to a decision to get out. After the first attempt he went violent, but then my no contact broke so quickly as I got scared he might be suicidal. There was a period (short) of him being apologetic and really nice, but then he returned to his abusive self (name calling, arguments,,,). Not too long later I tried to leave again (this time by sending a text). I stayed strong for a couple of days ignoring all his calls and texts but then again I broke no contact as I freaked out he is suicidal… And now he is being so nice and caring and the intimacy is the best ever. But,,,, I don’t believe it. I can’t forgive him for hurting me physically. i dont feel I can trust him. I know that this honeymoon will not last. At some moments I wish I have never googled abusive relationship or read any books. I wish I had never involved the police and let them take the pictures of my bruises. I wish I never told anyone. I wish I never signed to this forum, and just stay blind thinking it is my fault and I can FIX it. But I did. And I dont believe that anything can be fixed. I dont believe his words, his care, his romance. But how do I go no contact again? I feel that my mental state is such a mess and I dont know if I can manage this again….. it feels too hard!
-
Hi Anabela,
I have had the suicide card played on me a few times and it has made me go back only for the abuse to resume.
It is a recognised manipulation tactic and can be very effective. A professional told me clearly- if he kills himself it would not be your fault, it would be his decision. Rarely though do abusers kill themselves as they are too selfish. My counsellor told me that he is much more likely to kill me, which sobered me up a bit.
Keep educating yourself about abuse and the moment to leave for good will one day come upon you and you will take steps towards freedom. There is no quick easy solution here Sadly, it takes courage on our part. But FEAR can also stand for Face Everything And Recover. That is what we can all do together.
Sending you lots of love x*x -
Hi Alicenotinchains,
Thank you for your reply. My support worker said the same thing to me that I should not feel responsible. And that she is concerned for my safety…
I hope I will find a way to put a full stop to this relationship sooner rather than later. I feel like 3/4 of my body is out and I just need to take the rest of it…. -
It is so hard though Anabela. I am out of the relationship but he has just started messaging me on social media, trying to suck me back in again. I have had over a dozen message this week, all professing love, how sorry he is, how I am the only one he will ever love, I will always be closest to him etc etc. I am starting to see this for the manipulation that it is. My counsellor says that I should imagine myself pulling a snake out of my mouth. He is in my head and I am pulling him out, day by day. He knows how to manipulate me and he is trying to get me back. I also feel really scared now that I have heard from him. I was scared to come home earlier, I think he is just going to surprise me at some moment and turn up. I have phoned the police. Its a funny mixture of misplaced love and total fear. I am going to block him once I have shown the police the messages. Nothing from him today but then that makes me worried about where he is and what he is thinking. He has some mental health issues. He could be anywhere. He could be outside right now. I feel quite jumpy. The police phoned earlier but I missed the call. This time last year I could not have imagined not being with him even though he scared the life out of me. He had complete control of me and I am still not sure how and when that happened but it did. I was the puppet, he was the master. A year on I am out. You will get there in time- it is a process but just keep going, day by day x*x
-
This fear is just horrible!
I feel jumpy. On those days when I tried to cut the contact, I would even be scared of my journey from work to home. I would be scared to look into my phone and would ask my friend to read the messages. Funny enough, when I got back into contact I feel less scared as I know he is not gonna wait for me somewhere unexpectedly. And yet today he was talking that i should come over to his place and we could cook. And even the thought of me going there makes me feel anxious (as this is where he attacked me and I so believed he would end up killing me).
I hate this love bombing stage. It does not feel real! He sounds too romantic. I never knew him for that. And it messes with my head. And if I stay for too long, I feel like I just want to run away. Even though he is being nice. too nice. At some moments I think maybe I do spread negative energy by not believing in him and not giving him a proper chance. And I feel so fake myself: responding to his affection but yet not feeling happy inside and so wishing that I could just go. Just go and never come back to this relationship. Because I know that he can’t just change out of fear of loosing me. -
Yes I think once the fear is there you have to pretend you love them like you did in the beginning- but it is an act because you are so on edge. They can sense that and I guess feel like they are losing control and so it becomes even more dangerous.
When I was with my last partner I would be gripped by fear the whole time he was in my company. I loved him more when we were apart as I could go back to my fantasy image of him being a nice guy. But when we were together I was frozen with fear the whole time, even though I could pretend and act normally.
Fear and love can’t co-exist in a healthy relationship.
I am a lot less afraid now that we are apart. I am just hyper vigilant as he is stalking me. The stalking is better than the relationship though as I can lock my doors and be safe knowing he is not with meX*X
-
-
I think once I started to feel really scared in his company, yet I ignored the fear and was acting all happy, my body then started sending me messages. I would start to feel terrible pain in my abdomen, then my breathing would become shallow and my heart would race. One time during our relationship when i was particularly scared my skin started burning and I developed shingles. When he was released from prison the herpes that he had passed onto me flared up. I think my body was rejecting him and screaming at me…. RUN!!!! I started to want to meet him in public places. If he frowned my heart dropped and my gut would twist. It was a bit like being a strange kind of hostage. They create a prison for you in your own mind. Your body knows though. I listen to my body- my animal instincts that I am in danger , i trust it over my mind sometimes. My mind has been brain washed so I don’t trust some of its messages to me.
X*x -
If you think of it as a serious drug addiction. When we stop taking the drug there are incredible cravings and we feel that only when we take that drug again will everything feel normal. What you need to know is that after you get through the initial awful withdrawal stage. The pull of the drug gets less and less. But you are always aware of the terrible addiction so you need to stay away. As alice says, ignore your brain and listen to your gut. I began to fear being alone with my husband. Even cancelled a weekend break because I was terrified of being alone with him. But i couldnt work out why I would possibly be scared of my own husband. I just couldnt comprehend that someone I loved and thought loved me in return would very deliberately cause me great harm. Cognitive dissonance. The psycology behind this is fascinating but truely frightening. Google ‘Oxytocin in domest violence’. Educate yourself. It used to be called ‘battered wife syndrome’.
-
Anabela, I too have been where you are.
I know all these controversial feelings.
Listen to KIP and Alice.
You are getting nowhere with this relationship.
He is just confusing you and preventing you from succeeding in your life.
Three women per week are murdered by men in this country. One in four women suffers from domestic abuse in this country.
Many go through what you experience.
Save yourself and leave him for good.
You could do it before.
You can do it again.
Write here, keep us updated. -
hey hun
seriously just block him on your phone and all socialmedia so he cant get in touch with u , breathing space clears the head and makes u stronger to keep away, ignore all the fake tears and apologies and watch how the abuse starts again, they cant help it the mask always slips off without fail
-
Wow I can totally relate to you all talking about the fear. At the time I felt so confused by these pangs of fear in my gut when I was about to go round to his house. Like Kip I thought ‘why on earth would I be scared of my lovely boyfriend?!’ and wrote them off completely, finding the idea ludicrous. My conscious brain was completely brainwashed and hynotised by him and had no idea of the truth. But my intuition, gut and body all knew and kept sending me different signals trying to warn me. I started to wake up vomiting and had to put a bowl next to my bed. I also got continuous stomach pain and swelling and a crippling exhausting depression. I started to hear a clear intuitive voice that spoke up at certain times, like when he asked me to stay over one night it said ‘No.’ I listened to it and followed it and later found out he had been lying to me that night.
The last time I felt the fear was hours before he started getting aggressive, hostile and threatening me. He had a scary look of vicious glee in his eyes, like he was really enjoying verbally abusing me, taunting me. He started accusing me of lying and overall was just hostile, evil and terrifying. I’d never seen that side of him fully before although there had been hints of it that I’d dismissed in confusion. I found myself looking around at the keys to the door planning my escape and my intuitive voice kept saying to me ‘go now, go, go, leave, go’ like a calm voice of wisdom. I followed it and ended the relationship soon after, I’m so thankful I left then as I have a bad feeling he would have trapped me in the house as he kept trying to get me to go to a part of the house that scared me and had previously joked about killing me.
Since leaving I’ve had two nightmares about going round to his house and I hear the intuitive voice telling me not to go in there, that it’s not safe.
Our bodies and intuitions are incredible gifts, mine helped to save my life. Always listen to any messages they send. Anabela like your ex my ex also started up the love bombing stage after I left with cards, texts, emails, social media and calls. I blocked and ignored it all and showed it as evidence to the police. Don’t believe a word he says, it’s all part of the manipulation and it will get worse if you return.
p.s Write down a list of all of the abuse if you haven’t already to re-read during lonely sad times – it’s a life safer and helps clear the fog when it has started to cloud your vision again.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
