Whether to talk or keep it inside is the hardest decision

[PurpleCloud]

Hi all. I’ve been with my partner for X amount of years. When we first met, everything was incredible. We met at (detail removed by moderator). After around 3 months, I noticed a couple of red flags such as; he’d smack his desk when he was struggling with his work, or he’d get a bit snappy with me. I just thought he was stressed with things and presumed it was just a “normal response”. After a while we moved in together. Things were still good, but he began to get more and more snappy with me, with little things that i’d do such as; wanting to go for coffee with a male friend. He said I was naive. Eventually, he began to break things during arguments. Usually my things. From sentimental things to mirrors, picture frames. And then *deep breath* it was me. He’d push me, pull me, break my phone so I couldn’t speak to anybody (we moved to a new city together closer to his loved ones and his work), and then he started to hit me, kick me, and it breaks my heart to state this but he spat on me on one occasion. The physical stuff hurts like hell, but the verbal abuse hurts my heart the most. Some days, I cry and I have to force myself to stop, and try and think positive because it feels as if my heart it literally going to burst through my chest. I have a very intense job. I absolutely love it and I adore my work colleagues. I have to travel several hours to get there however (I had this job before we moved away) and at present, with what’s going on at home and my intense job, I am struggling. I have never been one to admit when I am struggling. I take the approach “I got this” and I usually do. But this time? This time is… hard. My manager has noticed cuts, bruises etc,and this has gone from a monthly occurrence to a weekly, to a daily occurrence. I’m forever covered in bruises and i’ve recently opened up to my manager a little. But lately, I tell them everything is fine and “better”. We’ve “worked it out but thanks anyway”. It’s not true, it’s getting better and then worse, then better, and then even more bad. I have a beautiful family. They adore my boyfriend, but they know something isn’t quite right. I struggle to smile, to laugh, to feel anything, and they are noticing. I’m close to them, course they are noticing. But they don’t know, and when they think they do know, I tell them they are wrong and I am stressed with work. My boyfriend tells everybody i’m Stressed with work when I appear sad. After an argument and we see his family it’s; “works getting too much isn’t it, it’s the travel you deserve more”. It’s like he’s forgotten i’ve Just spent an hour putting foundation on my bruises, covering up my bruised forehead. Maybe he had forgotten? Maybe he does think our arguments are because of my stress at work? Maybe they are? I have so many questions, questions which I cannot bare to think about anymore, the main one being, why can’t my caring loving incredible boyfriend stop hurting me. I’m so sorry this is so long, and I really appreciate you all taking the time to read this. I don’t even know what I expect from this post, but I very recently spoke with women’s aid over the phone and the lady was incredible. An hour on the phone allowed me to sleep knowing i’ve Been able to chat to somebody about how I’m feeling. She suggested this forum, and nearly a year on, i’m Deciding to try this. Thank you all so much. I’m absolutely terrified to post this, but it’s all I think about lately, so I’m just going to do it.

[freedomtochoose]

well done for posting. keep posting
all best
ftc
x

[PurpleCloud]

💕

[Iwantmeback]

Hello, and I’m so very glad you’ve posted. This forum is an absolute life saver. We are you and you are us. We believe you unconditionally, through the times you have doubts through your euphoric days, were with you every step of the way. This is one of the harshest journeys you will take, but know that we have your back. First things first, you need to be safe, if your bruises and marks are getting so frequent and you’re so tired, to make the journey to work, you need to start thinking about how to get away. WA have their own solicitors who specialise in DA, WA can help make up an exit plan. It’s hard but the next thing you can do is start letting family know. They’re not stupid, they’ve seen the change in you, one step at a time my lovel💜
Take care
IWMB 💕💕

[PurpleCloud]

Thank you for your response it means so much. How do I plan an exit plan, when I don’t want to exit? I don’t know if that makes sense? I mean, on the bad days which is a lot, I want to just disappear. I feel so low. I’m not this person, my inner sadness isn’t me, but for the past couple of years it has been. I love him so much. I’d do anything for him. The hardest part is, is he’s told me how he acts, and he recognises it but cannot control it. But then immediately after, he will change his mind and says his actions are down to stress, and that it’s me, that he’s never been this person before. How do I let go of somebody and something i’ve Known for so long? I don’t know how to deal with this at the moment. I don’t know how to deal with my own thoughts and this inner sadness. He’s said he will change over 1000 times and each time I believe him like the first time, and each time he fails me like the first time. My hobbies, interests, family and friends time is non existent. I’m currently at home with my family alone. It’s the first time in (detail removed by moderator) years. My boyfriend has had to work and so he understands why I have come home. I’ve told him the break will do us both good. The break was meant for me to reflect on what’s been going on and how it’s not right, and even though i’ve Done that, i’ve Found myself missing him every second of every day and talking to my family about the good times we’ve been having. I’m so so confused. It’s like, I just can’t let go. I fear that the abuse i’ve Experienced by him has just made me numb to everything. He’s the only one that hurts me, yet he’s the only one that can comfort me too. This is so hard.

[Iwantmeback]

That, right there at the end of your post,is Trauma Bonding.

“How can I possibly be in love with this person, so utterly besotted with this man who is everything to me, who I’d do anything fir, and he me, UNTIL I say or do something that triggers him, or something or someone else does but he takes it out on me.” That is how i felt about my husband,(is this how you feel about your boyfriend?) i put him before everyone including my own children😥💔
Look up living with the dominater or why does he do that. I’ve been with my oh fir decades and it’s literally been months since I’ve admitted to myself exactly what he is. But ive been looking online for 18 months or so to see why he hates me do much at times. I actually thought he was a narc…st, but think he has traits of one, he’s also a terrible msy…nist. I no longer love my husband, it would be 100x worse if i did., yet i am finding it so difficult to leave the relationship.
Have you spoken to any one at women’s aid, or your doctor? Once you open up, it does get easier, I promise. You don’t deserve to be treated in this way, no-one has the right to hurt another because they made them lose their temper or whatever reason he chooses to use.
Keep posting and reading others posts. It will give you so much insight and knowledge and with knowledge comes power. I read Power and Control, it opened my eyes so much. It physically hurts knowing our man is an abuser, my heart has been ripped out and trampled on so many times, I just can’t do it anymore, THEN he’s nice and loving, I get a glimpse of the man I fell in love with and all my resolve goes out of the window. You are us, we are you💜 WA are great, they’ll let you talk, they won’t push you, everything is on your terms.
Take care
IWMB 💕💕

[PurpleCloud]

I read an article about trauma bonding last night, and my first impression was “oh no”. I feel you’re right. Your entire post is right. I wished it wasn’t but it is. I mean, i’m In love with him, but when he’s bad I hate him. I really do. My excuse is always because he comes from a good family I think “This can’t be him”. But you know what, the more I get to know his family, his Dad, the more I see parts of my boyfriend in them. That scares me more because i’m So close to his family and now I think what if all of this is just one big lie. I feel so trapped. I really hope you create an exit plan for you and your children too💕 I feel at this stage, it would be hypocritical of me to say you deserve better, but you know what you DO and I DO. I hope we find a way out soon!! Should I be worried that I see no future without him in it? That thought terrifies me. I’m back home and should be spending time with my family but i’m Finding myself permanent miserable, wanting to curl up in my bed and talk to him. I never imagined myself in this, nobody does, but I find myself thinking as much as I hate this situation and i’m In it, I am the only one who can get myself out of this and I have too. How and when I have no idea. But I have too.

[Iwantmeback]

There you are PurpleCloud, there’s the glimpse of the woman you were before him. I see you💜💜🤗
My children are grown up,have their own places, it’s just me who has to get out😥
I’m making my way, I have a leaving fund, growing weekly, I’ve my name on the housing list, got a call from the housing recently, updating my application, I’ve spoken to a solicitor through WA, I’ve spoken to my doctor and a psychologist arranged by the doctor, I’m going through the motions of leaving, yet I still don’t want to do this.
I see myself without him and I’m fine with it, then he triggers a memory, a good one and I’m distraught, second guessing that I’m doing the right thing.
Being back home is time away from him, time to see what he’s doing to you and seeing how wrong it is, please open up to one of them. Keep posting on here, keep reading our posts, it’ll help you out of the FOG…Fear,Obligation,Guilt, look that up too, it will help you sweetheart, I promise you can do this, it is hard,
I have to leave him, I don’t want to, but I’m never going to be able to live my life without it being on his terms.
If you can’t speak to your family show them some stuff on the internet, show them what he’s doing to you, you are their blood, you are more to them than he is. Trust your gut from now on, it is NEVER wrong💜💜 there are people out there who will take his side, he will convince people he’s nothing like what they’ve heard, cut them out of your life, don’t let anyone define you from now on, you’ve got this, please believe me. .
I spent weeks on the couch once i’d admitted to myself I wanted out of this nightmare, only getting dressed when I had to, thank God for tinned soup(for him not me, I couldn’t eat),I get why you’re hiding in your bedroom, its your bolt hole. I could write to you for hours, your situation is mine as mine is yours. I wrote a while back that every one of us could swap over or partners, apart from looking different, the way they are with us would all be the same, one way or another. Sending you love and strength💜💜 #21stcenturysuffragettes

IWMB 💕💕

[PurpleCloud]

You’re a very strong person. Independent, and as I always say to myself “You got this”! Your exit plan sounds amazing. It sounds like it’s took a lot to get to that point, but you have it, and that’s encouraging me to do this too. I could literally write all day too. This page is quite literally a life saver as you said. Before I found this, I felt so alone. I feel terrible writing that, because i’m Not alone. I have a beautiful big family and a tonne of friends, but they can’t help because I won’t let them in. I find with this, we all share similar life experiences, unfortunately not a nice one, but a life experience it is that and i’m Hoping by reading and writing on here, I will see. I’ve had a couple of messages from my work colleagues asking how Christmas is going. I know what they really mean is “Are you safe” but they know I get upset when they ask that. They don’t know anything, not even my closest of colleagues. They know, but only because they see. They obviously don’t believe the “I bruise easily”, I bumped my head at the gym or the “always hurting myself gardening”. Another thing, i’m Handing my notice into work very soon. I can’t do the commute anymore it’s too much. I don’t know if it’s the right thing. My boyfriend has wanted me to hand my notice in since forever. He’s never met the people but he hates them. So technically, i’m Doing what he wants. I’m job searching but it’s hard to just get into a job as most know! This job i’ve Worked so hard to get. My mind is everywhere. My parents know i’m Handing my notice in and they’re really supportive of it. They know the travel is too much. But they think my boyfriend is going to help me out. He will, but on his terms. This isn’t going to end well is it? Honestly, I am forever answering my own questions yet doing the opposite. I moved away – hours and hours away, for him, because I love him. But reflecting back, this is a classic isolation move. He knows i’m Away from my family and friends. When we argue, he’ll tell his parents whom live local. I mean, that’s immature in itself but then I get the whole “don’t take your stress from work out on him” from his family and then I have abuse from both ends. I say sorry and work is too much. Work is my escape it’s brillaint, yet i’m Forever using that as my excuse for his behaviour. What if I hand my notice in and I don’t see my colleagues again, that scares me so much. Thank you so much for talking by the way. I never expected a response so fast.💕

[Daisy]

hello from me too, and i’m Glad you found the forum and your voice to post.
What you say is sadly so familiar, abusers often behave in the same way, and we as kind, compassionate partners, minimise this behaviour by making excuses and looking to see what we can do to stop it. Sadly we can’t , it’s their choice to treat us as they do and yes it is a decision or choice to do so.
Think about that for a moment and I ask does he treat his boss or work colleagues or friends as he does you? And the answer is no because he wouldn’t keep his job or friendships. I understand now , at this point you say he means so much to you. Is it him , everything the good and bad , the whole package that you talk about meaning so much or just the good parts, the good memories or even the idea of the happy relationship you want , is it really him that will make you happy because I don’t think it is, I think you know that he is treating you so wrong. It’s a good chance whilst you are apart to put down in writing the good things versus the bad and I expect that the bad will for out way the good. You are in good company here, we have all settled for way short of what we deserve, hoping things will improve, they will change, stop, and treat us as we treat them but it rarely happens , and often gets worse. I too covered up bruises and minimised what was really going on and had my possessions broken , thrown, smashed in arguments- never his so it’s controlled and even calculated actions really on their part, isn’t it.
X x x

[PurpleCloud]

Thank you so much for your response Daisy. Reading your post upset me, because it’s making me realise i’m Not alone in this. I’m not silly, it happens to others too. It’s a reflection on them, not us. You’re right and everyday I do question whether I love him, or the idea of him. And it’s the idea of him. I’m going to do what you said and write some things down onto paper and read them. I’m willing to try anything to change my situation because i’m So tired of feeling sad. I can’t function, and I can’t think about anything else. Thank you for taking the time to respond.💕

[PurpleCloud]

Also, the way you said “calculated actions” is extremely spot on. My boyfriend often gets upset and starts crying after he’s hurt me, usually physically hurt me. He’ll say he’s stressed and he didn’t mean it and he says he feels terrible, that he couldn’t control it. But each and every time, I do see, that he knew what he was doing, and he knew the consequence, yet he still decided to do it. If he hated seeing me cry so much, he wouldn’t do it in the first place. My tolerance level in arguments is definitely increasing, and that worries me. For example, a couple of years ago i’d Have gone for a walk/ attempted too after him swearing at me or pushing me.. now, he can shout at me for 3/4 hours straight, no breaks, and I will sit there and listen. I will apologise after he has hurt me physically, and I even tell him sometimes that I deserved it. That’s so messed up. It’s making me feel sick even thinking about it. I’ve never had this time, this space, to reflect, other than now, and I do still love him, I do, or the idea of him.. but thinking even now, I shouldn’t be suffering this. I’m functioning on less than an hours sleep some nights, and it’s affecting my work and concentration. It’s like i’m Numb to everything. Like, i’m Tired but it’s okay, i’m Sad but it’s okay, i’m Fine.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Daisy, your input is spot on💜 especially about him losing his temper with work colleagues or others. Mine tells me he tells his boss this that and the next thing, I seriously doubt it, he’d have been sacked by now!
I also second writing down the good v the bad about your relationship and also write examples of them if you can.

IWMB 💕💕

[Daisy]

Yes, PC and IWMB, it is sad it’s happening so much but also it is good there is resources like this forum where we can support each other, share information and knowledge and just open up about what is happening.abusers thrive on our keeping quiet and covering it up, keeping their abuse hidden They like to control and build things up so we end up complying.good luck with the plus versus minus list , seeing it in black and white, with the minus list running on and on is undeniable and widens our eyes to what we are facing, I feel.be careful to destroy it or hid it safely though as if they realise they are losing their control and you are daring to start questioning things and seeing the stark truth the abuse often escalates, just to put you back in what they consider your place.
Do either of you have anyone for real life support, think hard and don’t let independent pride get in the way, i’d Want to know and support my mum if she was going through this, just as much as I would my daughter
X x x

[Daisy]

Just saw your response re calculated actions pc,
Sorry I missed it earlier,you get stressed, as do I but we wouldn’t do to others what is done to us so it’s no excuse, there is no escuse for this cowardly violence.
I also don’t see it as your tolerance increasing pc more you survival instinct kicking in, i’ve Had to accept and Do ,and said some pathetic things just to stop things getting too out of hand but it just got worse and worse.
The effect it’s starting to have on you is worrying, it could really start to effect your job you love, that keeps you independent, and I somehow feel he would be quite pleased, and finally these abuser like the fact it effects us so much and becomes so all cumsuming, they don’t like us to have time and space to think clearly because it’s precisely that, time and space we do need to see the negative effects they have on us
X x x

[PurpleCloud]

Your response is making me think.. think in a good yet bad way. It’s extremely helpful, thank you so much. As for real life support, I have lots of family and friends. I also have a few siblings, i’m the youngest and they all protect me so much. But, like you said not to do, because of my pride and wanting to think we are great, I don’t tell them anything. They know nothing, and because I live away and work away, they don’t see our day to day lives, they just hear the good parts.
Thanks for your response again.💕

[Iwantmeback]

PLEASE,PLEASE don’t give up your job, unless you have something else in place. Once you give up your financial freedom things will get worse, it’ll be how he pays for everything, how you’re so selfish, how lazy you’re around the house, how the diners you cook are sh..e, everything to wear away your confidence, ur your self esteem. I’ve burnt so many pots this year, thank goodness they’re good ones and clean up well, that is because I never know when he’s due in, he never tells me, so diners are either nor ready or get wasted.
It’s definately survival instinct increasing not tolerance levels😥
IWMB 💕💕

[PurpleCloud]

I thought about all of these things, and I know that’ll happen. I have a day of annual leave and i’m Made to feel as if I don’t deserve it and should be doing things around the house. I have a bit of OCD, in terms of cleanliness and perfection. I’ve always had it, but never severe, but since our relationship, it’s getting worse and worse. It’s like a control element for me, and a distraction. He often says his anger is due to my OCD. We spoke (detail removed by moderator). There was more to our conversation than that but I can’t talk about it, I just feel sick. He ended the evening by sending me an essay over text. I’m the best girlfriend, I work so hard, he doesn’t deserve me.. I didn’t sleep until 4am, my parents think my cold kept me awake but I was just crying. My eyes are all puffy again and I just can’t deal with this. Is it even normal to cry everyday? I’ve done a full circle where I feel I can’t do this again. Trying to stay positive is so difficult.💕

[Iwantmeback]

PC, you should see my house, it’s a bomb site now. I was not ocd as such, but everything was put away, I hoovered, I dusted. I can’t do any of that now, I don’t hoover when he’s in, he screams at me to turn it off, the noise annoys him. Yet he had his own house after his divorce and hoovered it! If or when i dust, he gets so angry cos I’ve moved his stuff and not put it back, the dust on the bedroom units is so bad I’m finding breathing hard, all I do is breathe in dust. The arguements he’s caused due to things being put away and him not being able to find it, screaming so much I couldn’t think straight and remember where I’d put it, then it would turn out he’d moved the stuff himself as it would be in the garage or loft or hut. (That’s gaslighting) you being ocd is his justification to himself to allow him to treat you the way he does, they fool themselves. if it wasn’t you bring ocd, which i dont think you are tbh, it would be something else. Anything to justify in their head, a reason to be angry with you. It’s all about power and control. He’s causing your stress which in turn causes you to clean more. So he berates you through (detail removed by moderator), you feel awful, then he starts being so nice, making you feel guilty/sorry for him with the long text he sent you. It’s all part of the cycle of abuse😥😠 Crying is our way of getting our or own frustration and anger, cos they won’t listen to us, it’s all about him, how he feels, but you’ve to shut up, don’t answer back, push your feelings down, silence your Voice. Definately being apart is good for you, hearing our stories, sharing yours, it’ll show you what you know he is, it’ll get you stronger, give you breathing space, space to cry and not squash it down. Please try and talk to a family member, they will more than help you💜💜
I’ll speak to you later, I have to go out now. Take care sweetheart, you are too good for him and he knows it, that’s why he’s treating you the way he is. 😥
IWMB 💕💕

[Daisy]

Maybe I’ve bombarded you with too much in one evening.
Don’t want you to end the eve feeling bad, soz.
Glad you have found the strength to start to look into things,
You found here, so you already know that things are not right.
Stay safe
X x x

[PurpleCloud]

You didn’t bombard me, it’s okay. I have lots of knowledge within this area through the vast amount of reading i’ve Done, and elements of the work that I do. I’m very good at seeing the signs, and noticing patterns of behaviour from a distance, but never in my own relationship. I guess it’s the same for most of us. We block out what we don’t want to see and pretend things aren’t happening, or even often convinced by our partners that these things aren’t happening. Thank you for the chat yesterday. All of your advice I will take into consideration 💕

[Daisy]

I’ve got to also second that, only give up the job you clearly love if it’s whole heartedly your decision and only yours.
If you were my friend or family I can only see further isolation and control for you and further worry for your friends and family if you haven’t got that reason To be away from there as now.
I think if you did open up to your most trusted supporting family member or friend you might be surprised that they do guess more than you think
X x x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi PC, just wanted to see how you were doing today💜💜 you can pm me if you need to as well.
IWMB 💕💕

[Tiffany]

Honestly, I didn’t ever think I would recommend my escape route to someone, because frankly it wasn’t the safest, but I think you should try it over losing the job you love. I lived on one side of town and worked on the other. My abuser worked in the centre. I was so exhausted between the abuse and the travelling that I couldn’t cope. My abuser was conducting a strong campaign to get me to quit my job because he hated that it gave me such a strong support network. He wouldn’t move to cut my distance to work. So I found a place to rent near my work and only came back at weekends. That let me build up enough strength to truly leave. Your abuser sounds much more violent than mine though – mine always stopped short of leaving bruises. So I would probably try and condense the leaving. Find a flat near your job and use the “only staying during the week” as a cover if he finds you out. Don’t give him the address and don’t come back for the weekend.

[PurpleCloud]

Hi, thank you for your message! I’m doing okay today. I’ve been able to get myself out of my room and just spend time with my family. I’m trying not to think about him. How are you doing? I really appreciate your last response. Literally, the way you said your partner blames you for him losing his own things is my partner all over. Sometimes he’ll have me looking around like a maniac praying I can find it. Thanks for the offer you can always message me too! Thank you so much. 💕

[PurpleCloud]

Sorry! That response was to IWMB!

[PurpleCloud]

Thank you for sharing that Tiffany, that does sound like a great plan. The issue i’m Having however is that i’m Not ready to leave. I don’t want to leave him. That makes me sound crazy considering what i’ve Shared with you guys, and I know it isn’t the best idea. But at the moment, although I believe and trust everybody’s advice, and my own even, at the moment I am still ‘clinging on’ to the fact it might get better. I’m going to continue to use this page and talk to my family eventually, and maybe then i’ll continue to get that bit stronger to make the right decision. Thank you so much for your response Tiffany.💕

[PurpleCloud]

Before we first moved away, I suggested the idea of me getting a flat to rent near to work and I suggested he move into the house we found near his work, and once I find a new job I said I will move back in with him. That was genuinely my plan and I thought it would work better for everyone. I even said I would pay half on the rent at the new place too if he was struggling. That wasn’t an option. I don’t really get the chance to stay at a friends house for the evening let alone have my own place. He said he’d be too paranoid and it would cause so much stress. He’s extremely complex. He has this idea that i’m Having an affair with a colleague of mine. This colleague is a male, a good friend, nothing more. I feel deep down he knows that, but every argument we have ends in that. That i’m Cheating, that he’s known for ages, and that i’m Bad at covering it up. I only ever see this colleague at work, never outside of work, and even if I did I feel that should be acceptable. It sucks though because my work friends will all go for drinks after work sometimes and I won’t even consider going because I know he wouldn’t like it and so I use the travelling card, and say I cannot attend because it would mean me getting back late and not liking travelling in the dark etc. My friend will offer me to stay over and in my head i’m Just like “if only it was that simple”. I mean, I could do it. But it would mean constant texting, FaceTiming to show where i’m At and whose place i’m At, and I just think.. is it really worth all of that. Probably not.💕

[Tiffany]

I don’t know if it helps, but I didn’t want to leave when I left. I boxed myself into a corner where I felt I had no choice but to leave by telling people what had happened. The week before I broke up with my partner I told so many people. Again, it isn’t advised incase someone tells your partner before you can get away safely. But it was the only way I could go through with it. I had told my Mum and my sister and my best mates and my work colleagues, and I felt I couldn’t back out of it then. I knew deep down it was a step I had to make, but I desparately wanted it not to be true. I kept clinging to the hope he might change. See what he was doing to me and stop. I couldn’t believe he was hurting me on purpose. It turns out he was, of course. But I tried every route I could think of before I left. We all understand that. But now we are out we also see clearly the terrible danger we were in. I hope that you manage to break free.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi PC keep doing what you’re doing. You are not alone in not being ready to leave, you know you need to end the relationship, it’s not healthy BUT cutting the ties that bind are incredibly hard. I’m over 2 decades with my OH, I know it’s not a great relationship. I can’t even spend an hour with my parents without it causing some antagonism of some description. It can be the silent treatment, moaning about being left on his own, or nagging me to go and get a shower as I stink of smoke(they smoke, we dont) i can’t even phone my daughter as it’s always what’s she wanting, my son is persona non grata, since he said my oh had sexually abused him(then days later said he didn’t, he just said it to make me hurt as much as he’s hurting). I can’t even talk to my sister who lives overseas, I’ve to either go into an other room or he’ll try and put his p..is into my face to distract me, something he did in the beginning but I didn’t think anything of it. It’s his way of saying your not paying me any attention!
My oh is always telling me to get a life but like you if I went anywhere with anyone else bar him, I’d be having an affair or be accused of not wanting to spend time with him and him alone, yet he pops in to see his mate on the way home from work,(which in turn ruins his dinner, but that’s another story🤣) they play golf together, he’ll visit another couple of guys he knows. On the few occasions I manage to see anyone, he accuses me of being intimate, just because they are older single women. I really think he’s sick in the head and I’ve come to realise that everything in our relationship revolves around sex. It’s no wonder I’m off it.
Keep posting my friend, you’ll find your way.
IWMB 💕💕

[diymum@1]

Hi Purplecloud.

Maybe it’s just not your time to leave yet. Last night I read this post and felt I didn’t really know enough to answer you.I had a look on line at something called human magnet syndrome. I was a bit lost in it all but it did flag up that trauma bonding needs professional help to break it effectively. The bonds are strong due to hormones and conditioning and it can happen to anyone strong or not so strong ☺It also mentioned talking about how you are feeling is the first step and also seeking support, so your on your way☺ Facing reality apparently is the hardest part of this but once we see it for what it is it makes us try to break free. It might be a long journey ahead and I’m not sure what therapy is available out there but it’s good to know where to start and how it can be done. I hope this helps, Google is a god send for me xx god bless 💕💕💪diy

[diymum@1]

You know if the first line services ie GP,police and WA could refer women for trauma bonding therapy I’m sure women would have to endure alot less in leaving relationships and in their recovery. Xx

[PurpleCloud]

Thank you diyMum. I definitely need support around trauma building and sooner rather than later. I have had an absolute amazing day with my family today. I’ve been the happiest girl. I FaceTimed my boyfriend (detail removed by moderator). He done nothing but upset me. I can’t begin to explain the things he said to me. I can’t be with this man. He’s absolutely destroying me. I go back in a couple of days (to our place i’m Currently at my parents) and I feel sick. I feel scared, I feel sad, and I don’t know how i’m Going to cope. My parents are the most loving caring people. They have had to witness me cry and shout on FaceTime (detail removed by moderator). I just repeatedly shouted at him I don’t deserve this why are you hurting me like this. He cried, and he said I deserve more. He’s on his own tonight on Christmas Eve and I think he’s jealous that i’m Around my family. I sent him (removed by moderator). He’s amazing and so funny. I sent my boyfriend (detail removed by moderator) to make him feel you know, a part of it and involve him. His feedback was just negative. He’s jealous of him I know he is. He said (detail removed by moderator). My dad printing me off an article last night, it was around jealously and he said “you don’t have to be with him, just tell me you don’t want to be and you don’t have to deal with this”. My Dad isn’t the best with words, and i’ve Never told him anything about my partner (and my mum has told him because they’re not together and they don’t talk). My dad is noticing how low I am. I think he’s heard us on FaceTime. I think he’s just noticing and maybe has been for a long time. Like a lot of you guys have told me on here, often those closest to us notice more than we think. I think he’s noticing. Honestly, I didn’t cry yesterday and I hadn’t today. That’s a massive accomplishment for me lately because all I do is cry and feel down. But since that FaceTime (detail removed by moderator), I cannot stop crying. It’s christmas Eve, and at my parents house around everyone I love, and he’s still managed to make me feel this low. He said (removed by moderator). He’s forgotten that i’m Commuting for him. I moved away for him. He said i’m Selfish (detail removed by moderator). I nearly deleted my account yesterday because he was good to me on FaceTime. I thought; you know what he’s cool now. A break has worked. But no it hasn’t. It really hasn’t. He sucks he sucks he sucks and I hate this

[PurpleCloud]

There’s so many spelling and grammar errors in my response i’m Really sorry! I’m just so upset, I just had to get how I was feeling out. I’m often describe as one of them calmest people, I have the ability to remain calm and present calm, despite how I am feeling, but tonight, he is pushing things too far. I deserve more than this, we all do. 💕

[Tiffany]

Can you remain at your parents? Is it a communtable distance to work? You really don’t have to go back if you don’t want to. These men love spoiling special times for us. I am sorry you are having a tough time. My Christmases with my ex were like that too. Bad if he was away and worse if he was there. I am gradually reclaiming them for myself. Unfortunately your partner will be able to turn the nice side on and off (it’s often called love bombing). It’s really confusing as we think the love bombing is their real personality, when actually it is specially contrived to keep us with them. But the real them who is perfectly happy to hit us and yell at us and ruin our lives is so awful we almost can’t believe they are real, so we cling to the idea that that is just caused by stress or mental health issues or anger management problems. And if we just work on things it will get better. So we end up doing more and more, and getting more and more worn down, in the hopes of keeping them happy. And their behaviour gradually gets worse and worse. But then we are so deep in, and have such low self esteem that it seems impossible to escape. It isn’t though. You can do it. There are people around you who will help. Try calling the helpline and talk things through.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi PC, just wanted to let you know I’m here. You’ve done so well, how amazing of your dad, see those we love see more than you realise. My dad said, you know there’s a bedroom for you here any time, he knows I’m miserable yet feels his hand are tied. I got the tightest hug today from him, I nearly bawled my eyes out.
You’re as bad as me, I’m constantly checking my spelling before I post🤣🤣 I too am the calm one, when everyone else around me is losing it, yet if they saw me in private they’d call the men in white coats.
So your oh admitted his family see how sad he is making you, yet he also said they’re disappointed in you, read that, that they said they’re disappointed in HIM NOT YOU. that’s him gaslighting you there😠
He’s threatening to lose it if you don’t change when you go back, reason 1 not to return right there! Reason2, you have not cried for 2 days, yet after FT, he’s made you bawl you’re eyes out. take it where he’s saying your being manipulative it’s himself he’s talking about, it’s called projection. write down how he’s made you feel today, write down he’s threatening you(to lose it if you dont change), trust me you’ll forget this, we all do😏 there’s many instances in your post where he’s telling you what he’s doing to you yet he’s saying it about you. He’s so transparent, it’s like sering right into his soul.
You don’t have to go back, you do know that, the connection can be broken. But it takes courage to do that too. DIY is right, it might not be your time to leave just yet, then again it might, only you know the answer to that. No matter what you decide, we are here, no one will judge you. Just keep talking to us and posting how you feel, it will work out when the time is right.
Take care sweetheart, keep the lines of communication open with your family. If you decide to go back, would you do me a favour, make up a safe word for you and your family, so that if you cant leave but want to, they’ll know and come and get you.
IWMB 💕💕

[PurpleCloud]

Thank you Tiffany and IWMB. Staying here isn’t an option at the moment. My work is hours and hours away from my parents. However, my manager knows my situation briefly. He’s told me if things are bad, to call him and he can dismiss me from work for a bit. My manager says that, but I know HR won’t like it and my attendance score will be through the roof and it will be unpaid leave which I really can’t afford to do. My travel fees are extreme. I’m in such a complex situation with my job. When I lived 20 minutes away from my work, it was amazing! Then I moved away, for him, and my commute is hours and hours. It doesn’t let you say times on Here as we’re all aware but i’m Spending a full working day travelling on top of work, that’s how far he’s moved us. It’s bizarre. My parents think i’m Like a machine or robot as they said they couldn’t do what I do. But really on the inside, I don’t even think I can do what I do if that even makes sense. The safe word is a great plan, thank you IWMB. Safety is so important. I used to think “he’d never hurt me severely” but you know what, I don’t trust him anymore. He scares me. I’m so happy you have a supportive dad too IWMB. It’s so important to have a strong solid support network. I thought to myself earlier and I thought, if I didn’t have my family, I think i’d Have given up by now I truly do. I’m not willing to tell my friends what’s going on, and I don’t see them enough for them to notice what is going on, so i’d Be in this alone. It’s amazing that we have found this forum too. Since writing on here, I feel a little better in myself. I used to let all of my anger and upset out at the gym. I lift weights and I love it. My boyfriend thought I used to go for “attention” and to “socialise”. I’m not allowed hobbies and interests. But now because I don’t gym and socialise with my friends i’m “Boring”. I mean… what?! You’re right Tiffany, the amount our self esteem can be affected is extreme. I don’t know if you guys experience this but I used to get dressed, do my hair and make up and feel good, now, I get dressed a hundred times, do my hair a million different ways, and think i’m Bad at doing make up. I can’t leave the house unless i’ve Glanced at myself a billion times because I feel unpretty. I get paranoid. My self esteem is actually horrendous at the moment. The things I used to love about myself, I now hate. I don’t want to lose myself completely. It took me years to begin to build my confidence up after being a shy child, and my parents are so proud at how confident I now am. Yet that’s fading. I’m insecure in myself and it’s starting to show. (removed by moderator) I’ve ignored him. I never ignore him, but I am truly done for the night. Christmas is my favourite time of year. I’ve never cried on Christmas Day and i’m Not starting now. Thank you for your advice, you girls on here are truly amazing. I hope you have a safe Christmas, and I hope you find at least one thing that’s good in your day. In fact, I challenge you to find at least one positive thing today (Christmas day) and to share it on here!! 💕💕

[Tiffany]

Good on you for standing your ground! I totally understand about the hair and makeup thing. I used to wear no makeup and feel beautiful. With my abuser I made more and more effort with makeup and hair, and felt less and less pretty. He always found something to criticize in my appearance. It was always *you are beautiful but” if he gave me a compliment. When I left I spent a lot of time trying out new makeup and clothing, it was fun changing my look. But I have gradually settled back into wearing no makeup and feeling beautiful anyway. It just takes time and no contact for your self confidence and esteem to bounce back. Even with the contact and the short length of your time away you are writing with more confidence, although I don’t know if you can see it.

Another option, if you want to lengthen your time away would be to check into a b&b/hotel/hostel near your work for a week or two, just to have a break and focus on whether you still want your job. You could also do what I did when I left and take up a low commitment room share somewhere near work. I was able to live with someone as a lodger, I only had to commit to a single month’s rental. I told my partner I needed it as my commute was exhausting and I needed some time to myself. It was non negotiable, but not a final split. That happened as a result of his behaviour after I moved out. You can usually find rooms like these quite easily online in places like spareroom and gumtree. You have options!

Wishing you the merry Christmas you so truly deserve.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi PC, your post made me smile. I agree with @Tiffany,I too can see your posts getting stronger, feisty 🤗👏.
Checking out alternatives accommodation while you’re away is s good idea to. Take your boss up on his offer,. I know a lady who’s boss understood her situation only to well, HR were a problem for her to, she’s taking them to court now. Could you do your job on flexi time, there wrll be a way to compromise wirth it. Could you look for something else until you get away. It’s very hard accepting a part of our lives isn’t working because of anither. We try everything to make it work but sometimes we just have to let it go in order to let ourselves grow.
I get the makeup thing too,.
I no longer do Pilates, which I loved, I loved the figure it gave me, the strength I had because I felt beautiful. He still found fault with my body even though I was toned and tiny he still saw only the muffin top and boy did he let me know it. I no longer wear makeup, or dress like I used to, or if I do, I feel ugly. I no longer look in a mirror, I hate who’s looking back at me, it’s also I dont want to catch my eye, because I’ll see what he’s done to me. We change how we look I think not just because he’s took away or self esteem, I think it’s our way of trying to become invisible to him, to stop him wanting any contact with him especially contact of a sexual nature.
Have a lovely Christmas day wirth your family, surrounded by people who genuinely loves and cars for you. Don’t FT him at all, it will only put a downer on your day. Tell him there was a problem with the internet, you’ve fell and twisted your ankle and had to go to a&e, anything to give you breathing space.
Take care

IWMB 💕💕

[EbonyRaven]

Hi, I hope you’ve had a lovely day and nothing made you cry (except maybe a Christmas soppy film).

You’re doing the right thing, posting how you’re feeling, and working your way through it. It really does help to get it out on the screen, on paper etc. Helps us to step back a little and appraise things.

I think the B & B or house sharing idea close to your work is an excellent one. Far be it from me to tell you what to do, however I have to also agree that you should think long and hard about giving up the job you love so much, and the support you have there.

I feel it’s the abuse that’s wearing you down more than the job. Obviously the commuting contributes, but I’m quite sure the abuse is more tiring for you.

Sending you warm and peaceful thoughts this day.

[PurpleCloud]

Thank you everyone again. I had a great Christmas Day. In fact, it was absolutely perfect! I didn’t FaceTime my boyfriend, I told him I was extremely busy, and caught up with him (detail removed by Moderator). I’ve been back in my home with him (detail removed by Moderator) now. First night was perfect, as was the next. Couple of days went by, and he started again. I couldn’t believe it. Why i’m Shocked, I don’t know. I went from having some peaceful time at home with my parents, to feeling absolutely terrified and upset back here. He said i’ve Addressed my OCD which he’s happy about. I mean, am I meant to thank him? Ha. My friend called though, and he told me not to answer it. I answered it. He threw the (detail removed by Moderator) from the kitchen at me. I hung up on my friend. My boyfriend spoke to me. He said I need to stop playing games. He said we’re not good at the moment and his parents can see i’m Not good for him. He said i’m Lazy, selfish, and I cannot meet my friend because I can’t be trusted. He said lots of things which I can’t remember. They hurt, and i’m Sure I’ll start to remember what I said. He said I have a lot to prove to him. You know, I found myself apologising to him, begging him to calm down. I told him I was sorry and that I’ll be better (I told him this to calm him down). He eventually calmed down and I asked him if I could call my friend back whereby he said (detail removed by Moderator). I called my friend in utter tears and I told her. I told her a lot. She told me to leave. I explained that I already know this, and that i’m Getting there, and she was extremely supportive. I couldn’t eat dinner. I tried to force myself because i knew that would be the next argument. Whilst he was shouting at me, yelling threatening to call his parents again because i’m A (detail removed by Moderator) I just looked at him and thought “i’m So much more than this” and I questioned myself why I can’t leave. And I couldn’t give myself a good enough answer. I have no ties to him. I could leave. But it’s like i’m Besotted with him. Right now though, I genuinely feel nothing for him. I do feel utter sadness for him though. I’d have done anything for this guy. I treat him well. I love him, and I care for him. What I am noticing though, is those feelings are slightly changing. I think the main thing that’s stopping me from leaving is the fear that I won’t be believed, the fear of him betraying me as an utter “p****o” as he does his previous girlfriends. The fear of him coming after me, or trying to ruin my career. Those fears are very real, and I do believe he would do all of those things, or try too. Have any of you ever videoed your partners behaviour? This is something I am highly considering. I don’t know. The thought of having some evidence sort of comforts me. At present, all I have documented is the injuries he’s caused me. From the extreme ones to minor. I just have them saved on my phone. To me though, that isn’t really evidence as he could just say he didn’t play a part in that as not one injury I reported. My manager has seen each and every one but at the time, I made excuses. He’s apologised tonight by the way. I’m (detail removed by Moderator) he (detail removed by Moderator) and he’s missed me so so much. Apparently i’m Not stupid, I do matter, and I just need to forget what he said earlier because he didn’t mean it. Honestly, I didn’t think things could get any worse but this guy really does scare me. I’m worried that i’m going to continue this for a while and he’s going to push things too far. His violence is getting worse. I didn’t even realise but whilst I was back home I lost a lot of weight because I was anxious. I’m already tiny, and I can’t afford to lose anymore weight. He’s ruining me and i’m Allowing it to happen. I don’t know if I hate him or myself more right now. I’m so unhappy. He really does suck. Thanks for reading, i’m Just feeling really sad and needed to get my thoughts out again!💕

[Tiffany]

From the sounds of things your work suspects that you are in an abusive relationship relationship. I suspect because of that he will not be able to ruin your career by anything he might say to your workplace. If you stay with him then he will ruin your career though, by forcing you to give up the job you love. Abusers can’t bear us having jobs that make us happy as they are themselves never happy unless they are destroying other people’s happiness. Work will also probably be able to provide evidence of the effect of his abuse on you, if you find yourself needing it.

You can also go to your GP and tell them what is happening. They can also give evidence that you were in an abusive relationship. Photos of bruises and your medical records if there were more serious injuries will also back up your claims.

I suspect that you will find that you only need this kind of evidence if you end up trying to prosecute your abuser. I didn’t go down that route. My abuser was mostly verbally and emotionally abusive. He hit me, but never hard enough to leave a mark. I had no hard proof when I left of the abuse. But almost nobody doubted my word when I left and started speaking out. My mum didn’t want to believe it. But I think deep down she knows it is true. Nobody else, and I told a lot of people, questioned or doubted me.

I know that some women on here have videoed the abuse. I would ask you to be careful though. You don’t need it to prove abuse, and it sounds like your abuser is particularly violent, which makes things really dangerous for you. Men who have been violent before are much more likely to be violent to you again if they suspect that you are standing up for yourself or considering leaving. Frankly, and I know that you don’t want to believe this, because you still feel like you are in love with this man, he could kill you. This time he threw the (detail removed by Moderator). Next time it could be the knife.

The tie that you feel to him is a trauma bond. They hurt us, bit sometimes (and for me it was only sometimes, but how I longed for it) they love bomb us and make us feel better again. And it gets to the stage that even though they are the ones hurting us, we feel like only they can make us feel better. They are the only ones that can make us feel better when we are with them. We don’t dare tell anyone else enough for them to help us. And it is entirely up to the abuser when the abuse ends. But it is like a drug. We don’t knock w how we would cope without them.

It’s a hard habit to break. Leaving is hard. But once we break it, we cope better than we could imagine, because we are no longer being abused, and that makes such a difference. You have made another brave step by telling your friend what is going on. If you can then follow this up by calling women’s aid. It’s hard to get through to them, but if you leave a message they can get back to you at a time which is safe. I would suggest while you are at work. They can help you with a plan to get away safely and protect yourself from him once you are out.

[Iwantmeback]

Oh PurpleCloud, my heart goes out to you. You have your answer though now, don’t you. He’s controlling who you speak to(your friend)
I’ve spoken to many people now regarding my situation, not one had said they didn’t believe me. Did you arrange a safe word with your parents.
With ytregards to him calling his previous girlfriends p*****s, he’s telling you he’s the p****o, he’s the common denominator in all of those relationships. His parents see he’s no good for you but whether the say that is another matter, he’s their child after all. Please find the strength to leave him, WA can get you into a safe house, usually they are close enough for you to still go to work. Does your friend you are talking to live near enough to get a few belongings to?
I’m so sorry you felt you had to go back, that trauma bond is extremely strong. 😔

IWMB 💕💕

[PurpleCloud]

Thank you for your responses Tiffany and IWMB. It just helps so much knowing people understand. Often, as much as my loved ones understand how i’m Feeling, I always feel they think i’m Silly for not leaving. That’s probably not the case, I know, but to an extent it is because until you’re in the situation yourself, it’s difficult for anybody to understand why somebody wouldn’t leave such a volatile relationship. Before I was in this, I didn’t really understand, and I bet most would agree! IWMB, I probably do have a couple of places to stay, in fact, I do. I’d feel like a burden though. Also, this is really silly but I love my home. It’s new and I designed it myself, it’s me all over and everything I dreamt of. But you know, my manager at work told me as much as I love it, things are things, and it’s not a happy home. I’d never feel safe here again, and it’s close to his family which is the last thing I want or need. Tiffany, you’re right, this time it was the (detail removed by Moderator) but it could be worse next. Why doesn’t that scare me though? This is madness. On a few occasions, he’s threw much worse, done much worse, and he’s threatened a couple of serious things. He’s described things to me in great depth and my head just tells me he doesn’t mean it and he wouldn’t. But nobody thinks they would, and then they do. He’s a lot stronger than me, not mentally but physically. Mentally, i’m Stronger because I know if I treated him like this everyday he couldn’t do it. (detail removed by Moderator) I adore his friends you know. They’re Nothing like him. They know nothing, and as much as I like them, I always remember they are his true friends and not mine so I can’t tell them a thing. I also have to be careful because as much as he says he loves how much his friends love me, he sometimes gets mad and says i’m Getting too close. His friends have had words with him a couple of times in front of me, and said i’m Really cool and he needs to chill out. He always says he knows that but then in the next argument, he’ll say his friends are stupid, he needs new ones and they’re not ‘intellectual’ enough for him: everybody that loves me, he hates. Also, my best friend told me the other evening that she doesnt like my partner. She doesn’t trust him and she’s worried about me. As for the safe word IWMB, I have one. Your idea is great. My best friend and I have also created a code. She texts me a certain thing about her being in a crisis and needing to talk ASAP, but really that’s just so we can have a chat. I go back to work soon, and i’m Planning on talking to my manager again. I just want to tell them that everything isn’t really that cool, and that I said that because I was scared. Scared of people hating him and people thinking we’re rubbish. I need to talk more. Right now, I don’t see a picture of my future in relation to how it will work out but what I know I want is a boyfriend whom I can introduce to my family, friends, and know that they can all be a part of my life as one. I don’t want to live in isolation. Tiffany, i’m Going to hold onto your kind words around things being easier than we thought after we leave. You guys are so strong, and it pushes me to continue trying to get through this. I don’t have a huge amount of confidence, but what I do have and what I have always had is great motivation. If I want something, I ALWAYS get it eventually by working hard and pushing for it. It might not happen at the time I want it, but it always does. My friend said to me the other evening; “the grass is always greener on the other side, and you’re not going to see that side if you stay in this” and that hit me hard. I liked that. He’s a good friend. Thanks again.💕

[Iwantmeback]

Hi PC, I’ve been reading back through some of your posts, with regards to work, is there anyone you could house/ flat share with. Your boss sounds very helpful could he look into this for you. Or does who you work for have businesses elsewhere in the country that you could be transferred to? It’s just another thought, not sure if its helpful or not.
IWMB 💕💕

[Tiffany]

My partner had hit me (detail removed by Moderator) times by the time I left. All in the final year. He had also tried to smother me and put his hands around my neck to save me. I still firmly believed that he wouldn’t ever physically harm me. That scares me now. But the thing about abuse that people who haven’t been through it don’t get is that the worst thing isn’t the violence. The worst thing is how they control your thoughts and emotions so that you accept the violence. It’s incredibly hard to break free of, because we have been conditioned to believe that we deserve the abuse, or that we are always going to experience abuse. That it is normal, or that we are so annoying that anyone who is involved with us will end up abusing us. And it’s crazy. But we are isolated, we trust these men, and they do things which are so despicable that we cannot imagine that they could be doing them on purpose.

You will break free though. You are growing in strength, even if you aren’t ready to leave yet. I totally get the house thing too. But it is only a house. Things get so bad that we cling to the picture that others see from the outside – the nice house with a garden or in my case the planning of a wedding. The happy times. And we hope that somehow, if we do the right things, that we will be able to truly live that. And do you know what? We can. But only after we leave. Because no matter what you will never satisfy an abuser. Mine claimed for many years that the reason he was so angry with me was that I didn’t keep the place clean. So one day I cleaned the whole house. Top to bottom. He’d been angry a lot that week and I was sure that this would make things better. I had been really sick and not keeping on top of it. I was still really sick that day when I was cleaning. So when I was done I kicked off my slippers and collapsed into bed. When he came home he yelled at me for not keeping things tidy because my slippers were lying beside the bed. You just can’t win.

It’s been a couple of years since I left. I am with a new guy now. I am still sick. I have a chronic illness. But now instead of getting yelled at for the things I don’t do I get thanked for the stuff I do. He even notices the small stuff like when I make the bed. One day you too will have a boyfriend that you can take home to your parents. If that is what you want. You just need to get away from this man first. (And realistically spend a bit of time healing.) And then you can move on.

[Lightness]

Hey Purple loud
Well done for sharing – it takes courage
It’s hard to leave when we think we ‘love’ them because of the trauma bond and because they wear a mask to pretend to be someone worthy of love. It is hard to accept that the real man is the abusive man and not the nice guy. As time goes on the mask slips more and more and the abuse escalates. They won’t stop until they destroy us or they will discard us. So either way there is no choice really – we don’t get the option of staying with the man with the mask – the actor who pretends to be capable of love. These men do not love. We are 100 per percent replaceable in their eyes. When they are being ‘nice’ they are manipulating us. How dare they.

I’m some years out now. For me, leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was also the best decision I have ever made.

Even though I am some years out I still notice the little acts of kindness and respect that friends and strangers show every day. Noone tells me I am worthless. Someone called me marvelous! Noone shoves or groped me. People hold the door open for me rather than slam it in my face. Now I know how normal people treat each other and I see how toxic my situation was. I used to feel like I had no future and no joy. Now I feel 20 years younger and I count my lucky stars daily. I’m so proud that I took control and have changed my future.

Well done for sharing. I really recommend learning as much as you can about these men so you can make the decisions that are right for you.
Lx

[Lightness]

Sorry PurpleCloud, the C in cloud didnt come out.
Lx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi PC, I too eventually get what I want🙂 Not because I’m manipulative or spiteful but because I’m motivated too. I believe if somethings worth waiting for it will happen. I believe in the laws of attraction. See it, think it, it will happen. I’ve just not been applying it enough to my situation but I am going to this year. I also believe in what you put out into the universe it comes back to you tenfold.
I can see you are planning your escape now, don’t worry if you have doubts, we all do my friend. I’m very happy that you have a good friend, who’s helping you to. Trust me you are not burdening anyone with your problems. That’s not just his voice in your head that’s society’s too.
My oh has done a lot of the big jobs inside and out of the house recently. Still a few things to do, it’s starting to look lovely, but it is only making me sad, sad that we’ll not get the benefit and joy that it should give, not making me change my mind or think I’m not giving this up. It’s only a house at the end of the day. And to be honest most of the choices in it have been his, I’ve went along with them, not because he was arrogant enough not to listen to me, but because he was covertly arrogant, and I didn’t see it.
Many of my oh’s friends like me, they tell him I’m clever and astute, he tells me to not trust them, they’re wanting into my knickers🤣🤣 they tell him he’s punching above his weight with me, how did he ever get someone like me. He was and can be very charming, plus I was always a sucker for a bad boy. and boy is he one of those.
I’m so happy for you that you are seeing a way out now, that you have options that will allow you breathing space. Well done, one day my friend you will leave. I also think like me you won’t need councelling to deal with what you’ve gone through, but if we do, so what. Those people are anazing too and we’re not then ‘burdening’ friends and family with it.
Sending strength and love to you PC. Remember and talk to your boss too, the more you open up, the less of a hold he’ll be able to have on you, but be verra careful, as he’s showing his true colours more and more. As you say it was the CB this time, the next it could be something worse.

IWMB 💕💕

[Sadness]

Hope your doing ok pc I am at the same stage and am finding it so hard too and don’t know why it should be the easiest decision ever I just feel weak .

[iliketea]

Ok @PurpleCloud, this is your first post on the forum, December 2018. Is it worth reading it again?

I am sending you all the strength in the world to take this next, very important and different step, you can do it, I know you can. x*x

[PurpleCloud]

I like tea. I really needed this. I really really did. You’re amazing. I’m in tears reading this again and I cannot believe it was 2018. The sad thing is, this all started in 2016, (detail removed by moderator) months after we met, I remember everything. But it took me until 2018 to find this forum even existed.
I can’t explain how thankful I am that you found this.
<3

[PurpleCloud]

@iliketea

[iliketea]

@purplecloud sending you a big hug. I’m glad it helped. I know for me it really helped when I wrote it all down in a timeline. You can’t do that on paper because of the risk of him seeing. Could you try doing it to your email, have it in drafts, add to it when you remember something.

today is a new day. How about doing it differently? I know you can do it the usual way, you’re incredibly strong and resilient. Could you contact the Women’s Aid chat here? Or your GP to talk about how you’re feeling? Ideally you need an IDVA to support and advocate for you from the local domestic abuse support service. Four years is a long time. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. We’re all here to help you. X*x

[Author]

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