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I was reading about someone’s experiences with her partner having sex with her while she was sleeping. It made me think about 2 things with our sex life – the only time we did was when he initiated (turns out my self esteem was so low and I was so busy walking on eggshells that I didn’t dare initiate myself). This, I realised was only in 2 ways:
1) at inappropriate times and quite commonly I now realise, when I had my period. It was almost like he waited for it and would use the rejection to either ‘denigrate’ himself (yeah, why would you want to with a fat, ugly man like me?) or ‘joke’ about me being unfaithful; and
2) when we were asleep. He would grope me while I was sleeping and if I responded in kind (infrequently) we would have sex and he would make out (‘joking’ but not) like I had groped him first and that he only woke up once were having sex. If I moved his hands away he would persist for a while and then give up. Other times I would respond in kind and he would suddenly stop the foreplay, roll over and ‘go back to sleep’.I think, now, he asked for sex on purpose at inappropriate times so that I had to reject his advances and he could then be the injured party.
He would also grope me when I was in the middle of something (eg cooking) and if I wriggled out of his reach he would say “If I can’t grope my wife, who can I grope?”
Oh goodness the writing was on the wall for the sexual abuse he put me through (in a very escalated fashion later on) wasn’t it? That was definitely all about humiliation and control control!
I was going to ask if the sleep sex was rape but I think reading this back, it wasn’t. He would never persist if I didn’t reciprocate. But I think it was all about control.
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Yes, they played terrible sick little games. I would be woken really early in the morning for sex when I was too tired to resist. I begged him to stop waking me as I had a young son and had to work but it made no difference. He would also keep me awake for hours at night knowing I needed my sleep until I gave in. What sicko would want to have sex with someone who gives in for sleep. My skin crawled when he groped me when I was at the sink then he raged when I wriggled away. Very pathetic little men.
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My goodness are you my ex’s ex???!!!!
This sounds so like him. The initiation then pulling back the need for sex when I was on my period – he said he didn’t mind – I did! And I think he had a thing about sex in the kitchen – he said once he wanted us to have sex in every room in the house but I think he was a bit kinky about washing up bubbles.
I’d not be too quick to dismiss sleep sex as acceptable.
Take care and try not to remind yourself of him too much xx -
Mine was very similar. Horrible and rejecting when awake. Got angry if I tried to initiate anything. Used my history of rape and sexual abuse to convince me I was disgusting, damaged, perverted. Any awake sex was impersonal, no kissing or eye contact. Then I would wake to various stages of sex which he would do nicely. This kept me asleep longer and made my body respond naturally, whether I wanted it to or not. Even though I was often exhausted, angry with him and rarely found him physically attractive. Then he gaslighted me to make me begin had initiated it. I was very confused but also degraded and humiliated. It was, as you say, entirely about control.
I was asked 2 questions: 1) can you give consent while asleep? 2) can you initiate sex in your sleep?
It was rape for me because of the calculated coercion that ensured my responses to it and allowed it to continue all those years. They condition us to accept their behaviour.
I don’t think that these cowardly, devious ‘men’ are any less abusive than the more obvious ones and their abuse is no less damaging. It’s shocking to think of the lengths and planning they go to to ensure they can continue to abuse us without consequence. -
Thanks for your replies. So sad to read what you have gone through too. I’m working through so many things right now and my mind downplays so many things as ‘oh well that was just what he was like” I mean I like my tea a certain way too (for eg). I started off with thinking the list I was making was just “whiney” but it just keeps growing and growing and a definite pattern is emerging. And yet my mind is still thinking it’s definitely a pattern and defective but is that his fault? I am very much struggling with the idea that all these behaviors are on purpose, designed to keep the Sands shifting under my feet. That over this amount of time (a looong time!) it was all leading to this? That this humiliated, powerless, scared place was where he wanted me?
If that’s the case – he got the shock of his b****y life!! Police, court, NC – I know now that I can do anything. I have a fantastic support base (that was hiding in the wings unbeknown to me!) and he has so much more to lose!
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My ex used to touch me intimately when I was asleep.
I’d wake up sometimes with oil on my bum where he’d truly gone to town on the whole process.
He was constantly groping me at other times too; while I was cooking, trying to get dressed for work, driving, waiting in line at the supermarket…
Of course it was MY problem as a miserable b***h if I dared to complain. -
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