Who am I?

[nbumblebee]

Ive not been here for a while things have been calm and quiet for months so why am I making so many bad choices doing and saying things I never would before. Someone gives me comfort or offers me advice and i hang on to them I enjoy the attention Its like I need others to like me for me to like myself. I need constant reasurance from others that Im ok that Im allowed to be ok. I am so unhappy all of the time no matter what i do. I cant seem to forgive or forget just how nasty my husband gets. He hasnt been for months but theres still narky comments slight digs and just not supportive but no name calling or threats for ages. Surely I should just be enjoying this time? Not trying to get attention elsewhere. I dont know what I am doing anymore I dont know who I am anymore and I dont know how to find me again.

 

[tiredofitall]

Hi, sorry to hear you are struggling but don’t be hard on yourself – these feelings are understandable when you’ve lives a life like lots of us do. Of course, you crave and want attention, you’ve been denied it for so long at home. It’s only natural you want yo be seen and liked. We all do.

My ex behavior was better near the end – more verbal less violent – but I came to accept the trust was gone.  I could never trust him not to hurt me again – even if he was better – because history showed me that he couldn’t keep it up and how he spoke to me showed me how little respect he had for me.

That’s a tough thing to accept. It took me a long long time to let go of the dream that it would all come good in the end.

Sending hugs x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much.

I just feel like the problem is all mine now. He seems ok its my problem me whos causing all the pain. X*x

[Better-days]

I think when we go through episodes of calmness it plays on you even more tho because u know it dosnt last forever. It’s like still waiting for the bomb to drop.  I also need reassurance in everything I do, being stripped of our confidence is probably why. I’m having such a s**t week too so ur not alone. I think your amazing and kind hearts don’t go unnoticed. X*x

[nbumblebee]

Bless you bettrrdays thank you. I hope this week is better for you x

[Sad and alone]

I hate looking back on calm periods too. Times when everything seeemed like it was getting better. Only for it to eventually go to sh!t again. I had one for two or three months and then with one fail swoop as we went into a new year it turned foul again. And so it continued, on and off. I can’t stand the blowing hot and cold. One minute fine as the next talking to me like c**p, ordering me around etc. It’s exhausting.

[nbumblebee]

Even friends who saw his behaviour are like “ahh hes trying so hard, its up to you now” up to me to forgive and forget. But how? How can you forgive the pain the threats the fear? I live it every day even now hes “over it” as he says. I just feel like I should pull myself together stop dreaming of better and just take this life my life for what it is after all isnt this what I deserve?

[Icelolly2020]

I can relate to this, I feel because he is sad and down, everyone seems to feel sorry for him which makes me feel guilty. I feel like people then think that I should be talking to him to sort it out. I honestly can’t bare to look at him not alone talk to him, and I’ve got to the point that I don’t even want to. But because he is feeling low, everyone seems to think bad on me for not wanting to talk to him.

I’ve been upset, mad and now I just feel like I don’t care.

[nbumblebee]

Im with you there icelolly i 100% feel this its not fair none if this s**t is fair.

[Stargazing1]

I know I’ve not popped a message along to you for a while now but I saw this and just wanted to say my heart goes out to you.  Everyone will empathise with you here.  You are getting grief off someone who is supposed to love and cherish you . This isn’t on you . There will be quiet periods and it’s confusing for us . Please don’t blame yourself.  You are the one that gets all the nasty stuff thrown at them but that doesn’t mean it’s your fault.  They are also good at putting on a front around others.  You know what you have to deal with no one else.   I’ve spoken to people myself about stuff and its like no one believes what we are saying because they don’t see the bad side .  I am so truly sorry your blaming yourself please try to be kind to yourself please.  Take care and keep safe.  Best wishes always.  I hope it was ok to send a message.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you Stargazing your words are always appreciated xx

[Stargazing1]

Your welcome @nbumblebee.  Please look after yourself.

[swanlake]

It’s understandable to want support and attention. And it’s understandable not to ‘forgive and forget’ however much friends say that he’s now trying so hard.

I didn’t have a dramatic situation when I finally decided to break all contact with my abuser. But there had been plenty in the past and he felt and presumably feels no remorse.

There’s quite an age gap between me and my abuser and I met him when I was very young. He’s since committed child sex offences and I sometimes feel like our situation was the trial run for his child abuse. Of course at the time he pretended to have concern and affection for me and our situation seemed normalised to outsiders, albeit with the unusually big age gap. But it feels like it basically started with child abuse and I can’t forget that.

That horrible revelation keeps me away from him now whilst I seek support and attention from healthy places and rediscover who I am. I’m currently having more counselling and wonder if you might also be considering counselling to help you think about what’s right for you.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you for sharing SL yeah I have been seeing a counsellor for years now due to cptsd we have tried all manor of therapys not much works not much sinks in i just keep digging deeper into myself. Im glad you got out and are seeking help.

I just feel like i really have lost who i really am and i dont know how to find her again xx

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