Who to tell and what to say??

[JustKeepSinging]

Can anyone offer some advice??

I have had a couple of ‘mutual’ friends get in touch with me since we left and I have ended up either blocking / ignoring them because I just don’t know what to say to them.

I don’t know what they ‘know’ and what, if anything, my ex has said to them. I don’t want to put them ‘in the middle’ of anything and yet I don’t know what’s appropriate to say about why we’ve split up? I don’t feel like I should have to lie but at the same time there is an all encompassing fear that they aren’t going to believe me.

I also don’t know what to say to members of my family that aren’t that close but still realise that something is going on because of all the legal issues / police involvement.

I know this sounds like a ‘silly’ thing to be worrying about when there is so much more going on but I’m tired of being lonely and isolated and avoiding people because I don’t know what to say.

Also because it wasn’t physical abuse that I suffered I’m really struggling to get people to understand and / or take it seriously. I feel like people think I’m making it up for sympathy or to get stuff (e.g universal credit job centre staff – grrr). I don’t want to be a ‘victim’ but at the same time I need people to understand what I’ve been experiencing for so long and what that actually means?

Hope this post makes sense! Thanks for reading 🙂

[Anonymous]

It’s not a silly thing to worry about if that’s how you feel ❤️.

I’m struggling with this too, all I’ve said to people is that my husband hasn’t been treating me the way he should have and that he hasn’t been respectful of my wishes. They can obviously see it’s still raw and they don’t tend to push for much more information.

To the people who do push for more detail I just say that I’m not ready to talk about it yet and then I change the subject.

I’m still at the start of this journey too and I just wanted to let you know you’re not in this alone and that I believe you.

Hopefully, some of the other ladies on here with more experience will drop in and give some more advice. Xx

[diymum@1]

to be honest thats exactly what i am when i see people – you never know what people have been told about the situation. ive always tried to gage it as best i can. i know in my own heart that i did nothing wrong – just like you. your innocent in this so really you can hold your head high without faltering. ive been ignored – looked down on but more often than not ive been believed and people have reached out. as time passes you get a feel for what people will understand about your situation. we are blessed because we can actually choose avoid ignorance. its a learning curve for sure xx but it keeps the good friends close and the not so good away xx

[Whosthatgirl]

Im brazening it out. i kept quiet for so long and although talking about it felt humiliating at the start, I know the only way to heal is to accept the truth and for me that requires me to name it. Not for everyone I’m sure but people have been surprisingly supportive and you
realise they noticed more than you thought even if they didn’t realise the extent of it. It helps when they share the things they found odd or that they worried about. Helps you realise that it was real and you need that as time goes on, as you can start to question yourself as more lies emerge. Has to be when it feels right though so don’t put a time on it. You will talk when you’re ready x

[JustKeepSinging]

Thank you. I still don’t know what to say really – I have no problem if they still want to be friends with him but I do need them to understand that they CANNOT share information about me / the kids with him. I guess that will come down to if I trust them or not.

TBH I’ve had to start again with people so many times as anyone that got too close I pushed away so they didn’t see what was going on that I’m used to it.

It’s just hard, and sad. I feel lonelier than ever 🙁

[fizzylem]

I felt like an alien if I did try to explain; so I never do unless someone asks a direct question and I stick with answering that one question. It only sounded like I was trying to justify myself or persuade, was being negative; it was too much hard work, was glad to let that go. People dont generally ask why did end or what was the problem, it’s a bit rude to ask really isn’t it. In the past I have kept it simple and just said I couldn’t tolerate his behaviour.

I found it wasn’t about sharing where I am with others, it was waiting until I felt able to ‘be’ with others and talking about anything else other than him that broke the lonliness. I saved what was/is occuring with him for the ladies on here, my support worker, helplines – only those who get it; def helped me to pack it away when with friends and start to feel normal again – took me a while to get to this place mind, I isolated myself for a long time – until the day to day mindless chatter we often find ourselves in with others no longer peed me off, remember feeling annoyed at the worried well, like the worries about a job interview or conversations around where to get the best school uniform or the problems regarding who to invite and not to invite to birthday party – I didnt have the time or the head space to think or plan a birthday, didnt have a normal, peaceful life so anyone that talked about theirs annoyed me for while – it’s fine now though, dont feel this way at all, happy to sit and listen to what others are thinking, feeling, are up to now x

[lover of no contact]

I read this and I like it ..what to say to people about my relationship being over

“We wanted different things”….

[Tiffany]

My stock answer was “he was controlling and I left”. That way people kind of understood, but I wasn’t having to delve into the abuse. I found out when we left that most of our joint friends were actually my friends, not his. And was amazed to discover that none of these friends questioned my account of what happened. I am aware that I was lucky in that though. And that there was a definite generational divide with the under 40’s believing me and supporting me, and the over 40’s telling me to buck up and that it wasn’t that bad. No idea if that was just chance or a pattern other people have noticed though.

[Camel]

I didn’t explain, except to my sister who ‘got it’. She was my therapist over the years it took me to understand what had happened. I didn’t feel the urge to explain to anyone else. In the early days, if friends or family asked why we’d split, I said something along the lines of ‘Oh, he was an ars*hole’.

I did cut ties with friends I couldn’t be sure of – the ones I could class as his friends and mutual friends that I felt were more his than mine. The last thing we need is to worry about what’s being said.

Becoming isolated is a major feature of controlling abuse but the lovely thing I found is that the people who love me were still there when I reached out. Mostly people are so busy living their own lives they won’t question where you’ve been, they’ll just be happy to have you back. x

[Galnextdoor]

I actually read in detail yesterday some advice on this topic. It was really cool actually.

In a nutshell, it says to carry on as normal if friends/family approach you and not to mention the separation yourself. If they mention it, then simply say something along the lines of “we just didn’t work out unfortunately but I really hope he’s well. I’m good myself and getting better each day”. Then throw the question back at them and see how they are or something similar. If they try to focus on any details just say that there’s nothing to tell really and leave it at that.

It’s possible that if you tell them anything in detail, that they could use this to get back at him. If he’s told them bad things about you this will give him fuel to add to the fire and blacken your character. But neither do you want to sing his praises as that would a lie and boost his ego.

Die that fire down by not adding to it. Only tell those in your circle and any legal representatives that may be involved.

Hi f he has said anything bad against you and you dont retaliate, this will make people think twice about him, making him look bitter/dejected etc. This is how you give them the rope to hang themselves so to speaks

[Notgoingunder]

I’ve told 3 of my closest friends about everything as it meant if they knew they would keep me grounded and make sure I don’t falter when I’m feeling really weak and take him back. Fortunately for my ex husband none of his family or friends have a clue what’s going on because for some reason I am protecting him! I think my main reason is that I couldn’t break his parents hearts and don’t actually think they would believe it anyway. I would then look bitter and twisted. I also don’t tell anyone else out of fear that he may come after my me in the future.

[JustKeepSinging]

Thanks all – that’s some really helpful advice.
I’ve just kept things light for now and hopefully that will give me the time to decide how I want to respond.
With some family members that I do appreciate will be concerned about me I’ve just said he was abusive and controlling but that I’m not really in a place where I can talk about it in more depth yet. I hope they will understand that I need time to come to terms with it all as well.
It is interesting that there seems to be a lot of the older generation that are very ‘buck up & carry on’ attitude but these are the same people who claimed kids didn’t use to have food allergies or people didn’t struggle with their mental health so I’m sure to give them a wide berth anyway!

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