Why?

[Babs]

My husband walked out (removed by moderator) months ago. I was completely blindsided. We were the sort of couple who laughed every day, never argued, called each other pet names. Even on the day he told me he was having an affair and loved someone else. We’d been married (removed by moderator) years. It was our second marriage for both us and we wanted this to be forever. He made me feel safe. Rescued me when I was at my lowest point after my first marriage of (removed by moderator) years ended. He was just what I needed at that point.

As the years went on I know I’d made allowances and kept quiet to avoid upsetting him or creating an atmosphere. I think I’m still in shock, because last week a professional advised me to seek support from Women’s Aid regarding domestic abuse. How did I not realise his behaviour had been so controlling? How could he leave us in this way? It’s like I meant nothing to him at all. It’s all so confusing and I don’t know how I start to process this. I have the details of local IDAS but have been unable to get through on the phone. I am sure once I speak to them they will answer so many of the questions I have. I just don’t believe this has happened to me.

I know I am better without him, but I still find myself struggling to process how and why he did this.

[Lisa]

Hi Babs,

Looks as though you have just started posting here, so welcome. I hope you find this a safe and supportive place to share your experience. I’m sure many women here will be able to identify very much with how you are feeling right now.

It is positive to hear you expressing that you are better for leaving the abuse, but that doesn’t mean it is any less of a hard process to see through and overcome. Please know these conflicting emotions you are experiencing are completely expected and normal. It is going to take time to heal and process all that has happened. Coming here is a good step in getting clarity and perspective. Know that you are not alone.

You may also want to get you in touch with a local domestic abuse service to give you some further support and a chance to speak to other women who have been through similar situations to yourself. You mentioned your local IDAS, which may be the one. Do just keep trying to get through or leave a message if possible, explaining your are safe to be called back.

The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.

You could also try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200 or visit their website.

Remember to be kind to yourself as you move forward and not too critical. Abusive partners are master manipulators and for that reason, it’s often only in hindsight you can see the abuse for what it was. Do keep posting here to let us know how you are.

Take care,

Lisa

[Babs]

Thank you Lisa, that’s really helpful advice. I’ve never joined any forum on any subject matter before, but already I’ve spotted comments I can relate to. I am very interested in The Freedom Programme and will investigate further. Right now I feel as though I could never trust another man again. I have been speaking to a counsellor but that was before I realised I had been a victim of DA so I do think I need to find someone who specialises in this field.

Thanks again Lisa.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi and welcome, I am sorry you find yourself here… definitely all help involved need to be DA trained if possible? Have you read Why Does He Do That Lundy Bancroft? I found that book helpful re Domestic Abuse. Dr Ramani does podcasts ehich are great too.

Take care ❤️

[Babs]

Hi Hereforhelp, thank you so much for your reply. I will definitely take a look at the book and podcast you mentioned. Thank you so much.

[nbumblebee]

Hey and welcome.
Alot of us here feel the same way for me i really do. Ive been married over 2 decades and only the last 2 years have noticed that my husband isnt very nice.
I often sit and think back really hard to try and look for signs which there were i guess but I never saw them.
Still now i dont want to believe its abuse and i refuse to use the word so know that here you are not alone sweetie you really arent. Have a read though posts on here learn all you can about DA theres an amazing lady on here that always says Knowledge is power and she is definatly right there. All the best xxxxxx

[Author]

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