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I know it’s abusive, he kicked my door in, he calls me names, tells me no one else will want me, my kids a c**t/messed up, no one will put up with me and my issues like he has, no one will want me with X amount of kids, he’ll have one child I’ll have 3 and I’ll be skint without him. (detail removed by moderator) all I’m doing is panicking that it means we won’t be able to be together anymore because of (detail removed by moderator), I guess I’m not ready to leave even though I know what this is 🙁 I love him and that’s what makes this so hard, I hate the thought of him with someone else, I feel like he’s my best friend, I know I should leave for the kids, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve messaged the police to drop the charges against him kicking my door down too because I can’t stand the thought of not being able to speak to him and see him :/
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It’s the hardest decision you’ll ever make & one that’ll be difficult to come to terms with for a long time, but love just isn’t enough. I love my ex, if I could wipe away all of the bad, I’d still be there, if I could erase what’s happened I’d have him back, but what I deserve & what my child deserves is a peaceful life without the abuse. Whether it’s alcohol, drug or mental health related it can’t be tolerated. I’ve always felt if I just stuck it out things would be ok again, but in reality I’d just be waiting on the next time & life’s too short to live that way. I made the move for my child’s sake as well as my own, only you will know when you’ve reached the point enough is enough. Don’t doubt it, go with your gut & never look back. Just keep posting & sharing your experiences & one day you’ll look back & see how far you’ve come. Keep shining xx
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Hi @Kaybee23
I understand that this is so hard but it’s impossible to make these kinds of decisions when you are in the middle of all the chaos.
It sounds to me like you might need some space away from him to be able to breathe and try make sense of everything.
It also sounds like you may not have any choice in the matter anyway. Your kids safety and your own is what matters most.
Take care x
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have you read about trauma bonds? i could write so much but will just be brief. sometimes love can actually be confused with trauma bonds which gives us something to really really think about. trauma bonds exist where there is for example fear, helplessness, hopelessness. because of the trauma bond when the police were called i couldnt let them take him into custody. i, like you considered him my best friend & was absolutely terrified of losing him. but when you think about it, they have made you completely dependent upon them, made you feel worthless, useless etc etc etc & made you feel as if you will not survive without them. so it is only natural that the thought of them not being there will terrify you & fill you full of panic. if you can try to read a bit about these type of bonds if you havent already, because they really will help you understand a lot of what you are feeling right now. my heart goes out to you because of being in the recent past where you are now. thinking of you & keep writing or connecting to those who understand completely. sending you a big big hug x
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Hey Kaybee23,
Been there, done that, withdrawn statements, wished I hadn’t! He didn’t change, only got worse. And worse. And worse. The more we “put up with” the more emboldened they become, the more abusive.
All the above advice from other survivors is excellent. I used to think “love will conquer all”. In the end, I understood I had been trauma bonded.
ALL of the nasty things your abusive partner says to you, mine said to me.
Made me feel like I was completely insane. Made me feel helpless, useless, undeserving of love.
He used to stare into my eyes and tell me no other man would ever want me. Tell me no man would ever look after someone else’s children, so I’d be alone forever. All lies.
The reason I withdrew my statement was because I was terrified of what he’d do to me if it didn’t. It was cognitive dissonance, because if he’d gone to prison, which I think he would have done if I hadn’t withdrawn it, I would have had time and space to find a safe place to live where he couldn’t find me. Instead, I suffered more and more abuse and became more and more isolated. I’d had threatening calls from someone he knew telling me to withdraw my statement.
You still can go back to the police station and say you have changed your mind, even now.
Try reading “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven. It helped me see him for who he really was: a deliberate abuser, manipulating and bullying me, controlling me, overpowering me, because he believed men are superior and that women should submit to them and fulfill their every want and need. That’s the grim reality. They enjoy playing with us like a cat and mouse game, torturing us. They do it on purpose. Knowing that killed every ounce of love I had left.
Going on the Freedom Programme also helped me so much. I was able to hear the stories of other women and my goodness, realising that all our stories are so similar really hit it home to me that he would never change. He didn’t love me, at all, in any way. He was incapable of love.
Keep posting, keep reaching out.
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I forgot to say, you know what was emotionally really hard for me?
I expect you feel the same:
It was that guilt, the wanting to be the bigger person with regards not hurting him. I thought, I don’t want to hurt him. I will withdraw my statement because it will go against him. I thought, I will stay and try to be a better wife, because it’s mean of me to abandon him. I thought, poor him, having to put up with my silly crying and oversensitiveness!
I was so brainwashed by him!
I wasn’t being oversensitive: I was reacting normally to his cruelty.
I wasn’t being mean to go to the police: he was abusing me!
I wasn’t abandoning him: I was looking after my own wellbeing and the wellbeing of my children.
I wasn’t hurting him: he was hurting me and my children.
It’s actually a HUGE RELIEF being a single mum after years of abuse. It’s SO MUCH EASIER! Seriously! The relief was incredible.
You can do it.
Don’t be afraid of a future without him: be afraid of a future with him.
Sending hugs.
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Hi @kaybee23,
The above messages are all so poignant and well written. I can relate to your message so much. Although I never had kids with my ex abuser, I did find it really hard to tear myself away from him and I still miss him now… However, do I actually?! I do not miss the name calling, the constant lies, the belittling, the degrading, the verbal, sexual and emotional abuse. I don’t miss the cheating or the guilt trips, the n**********c rage, the triangulation tactics, the smear campaigns or indeed every ounce of c**p that would dribble out of his mouth.
We all know how hard it really is to be away from the person that abuses you but the fight is worth it. I am discovering what healthy and peaceful relationships are like again and I can assure you – no one needs a headache everyday just because you’re worrying about what he’s going to say to you or what mood he’s going to be in or what he’s going to accuse you of next.
This forum is such a good platform for so many victims from all walks of life and never forget, you are not the only one who feels the struggle. Keep talking about it, I do and it helps me hugely.
Sending you lots of positive vibes and strength to create your own path x
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