Why can’t I go ?

[Jeeves]

Hi

My eyes are open that for the last (detail removed by Moderator) years I have been in an abusive relationship. I read the the book “why does he do that” and I feel like my life is written in that book. So I know there is abuse in my marriage but why can’t I just pack my bags and walk out. Why can’t I do it for my daughter? Why am I so scared that no one would believe me that everyone will take his side . Instead I choose to be unhappy. Why doesn’t he acknowledge I am unhappy and let me go? Why am I not strong enough to go , I don’t understand why I can’t go? It’s like I am waiting for something to happen to justify my going?

[Chocolatebar]

Hi Jeeves
You’ve said everything that I feel too. Why do I stay to be unhappy, why is it so hard for me to leave. I have someone who will offer me somewhere to stay, my children are adults now but STILL I stay and I don’t know why.
I hear everything you’re saying, you’re not alone.
Please message anytime. X*x

[Risingup]

I am preparing to leave my abuser. I have done all my research. Planned a place to stay, packed a bag. But the more I think about doing it the more I feel frozen. I am getting support from refuge. Something my support worker said helped ‘don’t think about leaving, just do something everyday that will prepare you. Get all your ducks in a row, keep reaching out for support, research all the financial help you need……Then your strength will grown and you will find your way’ I’m trying to take this advice. The thought of leaving feels me with so much fear. I completely get what you mean. I almost want his to lose it with me one more time to jolt me out. Even though he abuses me everyday, subtly and coercively.

[Bananaboat]

He won’t leave because you’re his supply, he’s a parasite and you’re the host. Doesn’t matter how unhappy he says he is, he’s not going off his own back.

You won’t just up and leave because you want the nice version of him, you want the future he promised, you’re a caring loving person who wants to fix things, you’re worried about hurting others, you’ve been programmed & manipulated by him over time, your body is hooked in via the trauma bonding, you’ve become unconsciously addicted to the relationship highs & lows overtime- you feel weirdly safe in the cycle. Your brain is also asking ‘but what if I’m wrong’.

I remember standing in my hallway when he was away thinking to myself just leave, do it now and I couldn’t, I was frozen. What helped me leave was taking baby steps – sorting out paperwork, working out money if I was alone, sorting out a new home, even before applying for anything just researching houses helped. It’s basically weaning yourself off him and rebuilding your confidence. Even then thanks to FOG i was nervous until completely out. Keep reminding your brain why you want out, you need to retrain it. Don’t be hard on yourself it’s not as simple as just walking out as there’s all the mind wizardry to undo too. But you can do it, don’t give up xx

[searchingforhope]

I’m feeling this same, so much of my brain now is running miles away, yet there is something keeps holding me back. I think at this stage is the fear of his reaction and what is to come from that. I’ve been slowly trying to make the baby steps, slowly taking stuff from the house. It’s like when I’m busy doing something like that it helps cause I’m taking steps forward. Yet when it comes to facing him I’m stuck, frozen solid. I’ve told him and he can’t accept it. and I get lectures that are a mixture of him throwing nasty comments, threatening and then promising the sun moon and stars.
The bizarre part is some of the nastiness I’m almost immune to now as I’m so used to the digs and remarks.
It’s utterly soul destroying.

I really feel your pain this week and I hope you find something to lift you from it soon. Sending you strength and love and hold onto the hope. xx

[Everhopeful321]

I could have written this and the replies make so much sense, especially about wanting the nice him, the future I feel like I was promised. But was it ever promised?? I feel like I’ve just imagined it sometimes when I look back, always the ‘what it could be like’. I too have somewhere I could go, I worry constantly about the effect on my children, it’s not even about being on my own, the thing that keeps me here is the belief that he would fall apart if I left, I’d be the bad person for leaving him, hurting him. And so I stay,feeling worthless and spending all my time trying to make him happy.

[nbumblebee]

Im too trying to work out the answer to this question.
I believe whether right or wrong that there will come a time when we just cant take it anymore no matter how much we plan how much we learn it will be like a switch and we will just run.
An amazing brave lady on here has just done this. She planned to leave so many times and couldnt do it then ine night out of the blue i got a nessage to say she had gone. No big reason nothing huge had happened she had just snapped and went. For now i try and work on myself looking after me as best as i can earn and save money sort out my head with a counsellor. In my heart of hearts I know I wont ever leave I dont know why but thats just me, you could maybe try and think about how different your life would be without him how free you feel how small things like making a cuppa seem so happy relaxed peaceful imagine it every day it may give you strength and belief.
Bieve it will happen plan achieve small goals for yourself whilst you are still there build yourself up so when the time comes you are ready. Xxxxxx

[Sunshinedrops]

Hi Jeeves,

If it would be easy, we all wouldn’t find ourselves in here. The up and downs, your emotions spinning at 10000 an hour wanting things to change. The what ifs if only he would do this. Ect it’s so dam hard! Then as another person mentioned they do promise you the earth moon and stars! And you begin to think oooh I’m the one destroying this relationship if only I did that he would be happy!
I was listening to podcast and one of the ladies said if you don’t have good healthy boundaries and you don’t leave, you are letting them know they can do what ever they want! In away I agree but I think we are always hopeful that person we fell in love will return an all the upset will disappear!

I’ve been 10000 x ready to try separation this weekend only to go back on my word and he sleeping on the sofa and I’m so cross that I didn’t have the guts to follow through! So yes it’s really really tough! You aren’t alone we all understand x

[searchingforhope]

I know how hard it is. I had said it too recently and that it was over and I backed down again, as after 6 hours of draining conversation I caved.
I have to do it again. I’m making little steps I think. But the fear is overwhelming me.
But we have to believe we will get there. We deserve a life better than this.

I don’t want to look back, when in my last days and think about what I should have done differently to live a happy life. I need to find the strength to do that now.

[searchingforhope]

Hope your all having a good day today xx

[Jeeves]

Wow thanks for all the responses, I have been feeling so lost this week that it really does help to know this isn’t as easy as walking out the door. @Everyhopeful321 what you said was like your in my head . “I worry constantly about the effect on my children, it’s not even about being on my own, the thing that keeps me here is the belief that he would fall apart if I left, I’d be the bad person for leaving him, hurting him. And so I stay”
Also I think I don’t know how to go , I know he won’t let me take my daughter and in my head I have that this could all be civil. I want it to be civil. What if I am crazy and it’s all me I get this a lot as he has been nice this week , I question myself. I am trying to write it down all the bad times so I can help my sanity.

Jeeves

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