Why can't I hate him?

[Losingbattle]

I’m finding it so hard to hate him. I was so sure that I was going to report him for the abuse but now I’m having second thoughts. He deserves to get into trouble for it and he deserves for anyone he gets with in future to know what he’s like. But I can’t find it in me. Maybe it just takes time to get to that point. I don’t know anymore

[Iwantmeback]

Hi, I don’t hate my ex either, don’t really have any feelings to or fir him. Im doing my best to care about me rather then be bothered why I don’t hate him or anything else. There’s no hard and fast rules, just be kind to yourself that’s all that matters.
💞💞

[Sungirl]

Same here, I still care about and love my husband (we only recently separated) but part of me does hate him now as well. Have you written down things that have happened? I found this useful and any time I start to think about him I read back over some of the entries to remind myself how horrible he can be.

[diymum@1]

I think we do get acclimatised to their behaviour. Which is the scarey and dangerous part of domestic abuse. They do fool us into a false sense of security. You guys are kind that’s why you feel like this. The thing only thing with kindness I find is it can be taken as weakness. Just be careful xx

[Scottish Thistle]

I don’t hate mine either, although I know I probably should. I too like sungirl have recently started reading back messages of things he’s said to me (when in his abusive state) and watched a video from on holiday and him blazing drunk. All things that keep me going and telling me I’m doing right. Although I don’t hate him I currently pity him for putting himself in the situation we are now in and for him to throw away the chance of a ‘normal’ family life compare to what he grew up in and didn’t want to have for himself.

[Noslen]

I’m struggling at the moment with feelings for my wx husband. He left me and had moved on wi th someone else, even after everything he did to me and can be happy.
I am struggling because I hate him for what he’s done to me and my child and even the dog but during the lockdown I have found that he is on my mind all the time. He’s the laser thing I think about and he’s in my head as soon as I wake up, he’s even in my dreams, both good and bad. I am scared, I don’t k ow if i still moss and love him and I don’t know what to do. What did or do you all do about this? I have been diagnosed with complex ptsd due to the level of abuse bit is there something else wrong with me or do I just simply still love him? I have no friends to talk to about this.

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. It’s more likely this than love. I have PTSD and in the beginning he was on my mind 24/7. That’s your brain processing the abuse. When we are being abused we close off our mind. So now your brain feels the danger has passed it wants to process all those closed off thoughts. It’s normal even though it’s painful. It will get less and less. Zero contact is the way to aid recovery. Yoga and mindfulness are great too. Anything that distracts you. Colouring in books. I had an elastic band on my wrist that I pinged when my thoughts drifted to him but it probably wouldn’t have worked initially. The intrusive thoughts were overwhelming.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Nolsen, welcome to the forum. Look up trauma bonding, it’s also known as Stockholm syndrome. It’s a huge learning experience but one that will keep you safer in the future hopefully.
Welcome 💞💞 IWMB

[Balloons]

I feel the same Losingbattle. It’s so hard, and my husband isn’t being all horrible or anything, he is really going for the sympathy votes which was how a lot of the dynamic was between us. He’s lost so much weight and looks really unwell, and when he comes to collect the children I have a huge urge to comfort him and say I’m sorry. But I know I cant, because he always used his depression as an excuse for his awful behaviour. I know that this is part of what he does, but I can’t help feel sorry for him still. Sorry for piggybacking on your post, I just wanted to share that you’re not alone in these conflicted feelings.

Also if it’s any help, I did end up reporting him and he is under investigation now, it is incredibly hard and I think it’s normal to feel unsure about it all, afterall you loved him. I’m still having my doubts even though I reported him, but it took me a long time to get to that place. You are right that he deserves to get into trouble for it, and eventually this is what motivated me to take the plunge. I know just how hard it is, but you can do it. Thinking of you x

[Hope123]

I’m totally feeling this at the moment. I’ve read and read and read all the psychology and totally understand and relate to it all. But what it doesn’t help with is how ‘real’ and persistent those feelings and thoughts are.

Its like my head is telling me I’m throwing away a lovely, caring relationship that could be so amazing. Its telling me I should help him because of the impact this is having on him and the negative past he has. And that I still love him even though I know his love isn’t and won’t ever be real.

The logical side understands the abuse and the reasons my damaged emotional trauma bonded brain is telling me all this. I just struggle with the ‘reality’ of the thoughts if that makes sense. Its just so intense.

[Losingbattle]

I was ok for a few days. Like I’d almost accepted everything and I did actually hate him and had a lot of hate for the things hed done and said. Then today I just had a breakdown. Don’t know why. I had a flat battery on my car which he helped sort when he collected the children. Maybe this had something to do with it. I don’t know. I’m ok now. I had a good cry and reminded myself why I’m where I am. If anything I think hes pathetic. Can’t even bring myself to hate anymore

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