Why cant you stop caring about how they are!!

[Happybelle]

Been having a horrible time of it, although I am really fortunate I am not physically hurt.
I keep giving it chance after chance to get better and things do for a couple of days here and there get better but the same behaviour always comes back.
He finally started work after a really long time not working and I had hoped it would be the start for him of something more positive. But no. Already on at me for money before he’s been paid one pay check. The promises of paying back at the weekend etc. Just a nonsense. But I also know that if I dont lend it (we all know Im not getting it back!) then the shouting, the constant phone calls, messages and arguing would last all night. My own job is too busy at the moment to tolerate no sleep. The next test will be on actual pay day when I am 99% certain that the second it hits the bank account he will have spent it. Likely on gambling, also probably on other substances. Then it will be back to shouting at me for more. It’s just not on. To call him a partner is beyond a joke now. Just some person living in my house who really needs to be gone. Like a spider or a moth. There but adds no value.
Why can’t I just grow a pair and sling him out into the cold where he belongs. Why do I give a monkeys that there will be no home for him to go to and he will lose contact with his kids. None of that is my problem but hard to know that it will be awful out there and still do it anyway.
Anyone else had to do it, make someone else homeless (even though their c****y behaviour has done it to themselves).?

[Eyeswideopen]

Hi and sorry to hear you are going through this. I actually came to post about nostalgia and trauma bond as I’ve been out for a few months but still care for him and feel this sadness when think about good times, when really the bad should be “on my face” by now to keep me content I’m out, but its not easy.
I ended knowing would leave my ex – who, like yours, was not a partner, but someone I had to worry about and care for more than I did my kids -, knowing he wouldn’t earn enough to support himself and would see himself as a victim forever, never taking responsibility for his actions. I couldn’t just kick him out, waited until he felt ready (ish) which took many painful months still sharing same house but I had to work and function, and manage his tantrums as best I could. I still help him financially because of kids… I guess I can just appreciate what you are feeling and can say its a process and eventually (I hope!) we can get to feeling indifferent towards them, but when kids are involved I think its harder as he will always be their dad and I can’t forget the times he was good…
You know you must end it, but don’t be too hard on yourself and blame yourself for not just throwing him out no matter what. It says more about you then him. And also I suspect you worry what the repercussions would be for you if you did – meaning, he’d still try to make your life hell and you want to protect your kids from the drama…
Make plans, try to be one step ahead of him… I had to just not care about money so I could create boundaries in every other aspect of my life. Money will be the last thing I’ll take away but its what hurts the least to give – I can make more, whereas my time, my health, my body, my space, my freedom, I’m no longer willing to compromise on.
Hope you find your way out. X*x

[Happybelle]

Thank you so much, especially for the time on your post :).
I hadn’t thought about the repercussions ar all of getting him out, only the guilt I feel about knowing how horrible his life will be. But he could choose to go and ask for help and make an effort to get himself sorted and absolutely thrive. He is a clever guy and is just letting his life go to waste.
I’m fortunate that the children are not mine but they visit regularly and they get dropped off etc so I am lucky not to need to worry about them as they are already at an established home. I am
Not sure that he will ever be focused enough to go it alone and if I give him time to sort himself out he just won’t do it. He just feels like one giant man baby!!
I plan to sell my home and relocate and eventually I think I’ll just have to do it and get him out that way. At least he will have some notice to get sorted and if he doesn’t then that will have been his.
I will, however, try and be nicer to myself about it all. Thanks again 🙂

[Eyeswideopen]

Hi
Oh well then absolutely, I feel not having kids involved ease things somehow…
My ex was the same and he is slowly learning to “adult” for the first time. He is also a clever guy, just too used to not having to worry about anything. Just other day he called to whine he couldnt pay bills (even with top up I give him), hoping I’d offer more money. I just said in the real world, people who are struggling to pay for things have 2 options: earn more or spend less, so he should try look for a side thing for extra cash and save up on whatever he could. I never had anyone to call and ask for money!
Just do it, you’ll be helping him in the long run by forcing him to be independend!

[Happybelle]

😊😊😊 I love your listed options for him. I have no idea how they think everybody else manages! I admit I have made a rod for my own back a bit, having “helped out” for too long, that I am now desperately trying to change. I feel a bit silly that I started out with the outlook of them just having a rough patch and needing a hand for a couple of weeks to realising that this is just their usual state!!
Hopefully he can go home to his mummy or she can go and scoop him up from the town centre!

[Stargazing1]

Happybelle , my heart goes out to you . You don’t deserve to be treated they way you are being treated none of us do . Many of us with try to forgive and forget. Be kind to yourself your the most important one here . No one should have to put up with horrible behaviour from others . Sending lots of love to you . Please take care.

[swanlake]

I even went to a support group for loved ones of substance users!
I’ve been several years no contact and my abuser is still alive somehow. I presume that their behaviour has continued.
I guess that we care because we feel empathy for our fellow humans, unlike abusive people.
I hope that my abuser recovers from their issues but I came to realise that I couldn’t help them. They just feel contempt for me so don’t want my assistance. My presence or not makes no difference to their behaviour with substance use etc.
I realised that I deserve to look after myself too and separate their personal issues from the abuse that they chose to inflict on me.

[Happybelle]

Thank you all 🙂

@swanlake – doing this had crossed my mind but I do feel that nothing will make a difference and really the action is on them.
Have had a lovely time away over the weekend, with my people and it was so peaceful. No arguing, no wondering what the mood was going to be. Now am back home it looks like nothing has been done over the weekend and any monies have not been spent on groceries and pretty sure it looks like the children have not visited. So kind of no hope really. All his money has gone so I’m pretty sure I know where that went too.
I hope that they can get a grip and help themselves. I’m now saying that about myself! Get a grip and sort this out, because I can and I’ll be fine.

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