Why did he have to be an abuser?

[SunshineRainflower]

Does anyone else struggle to accept that your partner or ex is abusive? I feel like I’ve gone partly back to denial this week because my brain can’t process how someone could be so awful, so cruel, so lacking in empathy and on top of that, that that person is this man I thought was my ‘lovely’ boyfriend.

I keep thinking ‘not him, please not him’ because it just feels so awful.

It wouldn’t bother me as much if I thought some of my exes from the past were psychopaths, good riddance to them, but it kills me that my recent boyfriend was a psychopath, part of me just doesn’t want to believe it even though I know it’s true, because he was so sweet a lot of the time, I don’t really want to believe it. He was much sweeter than most of the exes and seemed much nicer than them, so it stings even worse. My previous exes had mostly been overtly arrogant types, but this recent ex didn’t seem like that at all, he seemed almost shy and awkward and a bit geeky and innocent and sweet at first, I think this is why it hurts so bad because he seemed like the opposite of a violent misogynist and I chose to date him on the basis of these traits. I felt so safe with him at first, so comforted that I’d finally chosen a ‘good man.’ It’s so, so awful that he was actually putting them on, and was in fact EVEN WORSE than my overtly arrogant exes, because not only was in secretly extremely arrogant, he was a sadistic, violent, misogynistic, psychopathic abuser too, in the most convincing disguise I have ever seen. It still makes me feel sick thinking that it was all a disguise, he just seemed so real, 100% real.

Even if I wasn’t with him, I’d still want him to be a non-abuser. I would get comfort thinking that I’d dated a good man, it hadn’t worked out but I could wish him well. But I get very little comfort from the reality, which was that he pretended to be this great guy, tricked and conned me into dating him, lied to me, cheated on and abused me and will have long since moved onto his next victim, while I struggle with thoughts about him daily trying to process what on earth happened and who on earth he really is.

[Bramble]

Hi SunshineRainFlower, I know what u mean, my ex was emotionally, physically and menatally abusive but i still mainly see him as a nice guy, he had his good points and we had loads of really good days out, when we first split up I just wanted to talk to him all the time and be friends but as time has gone on he does things that remind me of who he really is, it’s easy to see them as 2 different people but u deserve one good person rather than not knowing which personality u r going to come home to, I have filled my time by contacting people I have lost touch with, walking, and planning things for me and my children, we always have lots of fun doing free things, taking care of you will help move past those feelings

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Bramble,

I’m just really struggling with it all this week. I think it’s because I don’t have a very full life, and put all my focus onto him so feel really lost now. There are things I could do to improve my life but am feeling really down at the moment and don’t feel up to doing much but then I just feel worse being by myself all the time. I can see how if I had a full, happy life with a good social network I would probably move past it all quicker, but I don’t have that and it’s hard to build that up. Moving to a new area recently has made things tougher too especially since the area is not as nice as where I used to live and some of the people around here scare me. I just have no motivation to make any changes as I feel so low. I just keep wishing he had been the good man he pretended to be, but I can see that’s partly because I have little faith that I will meet anyone truly good and lead a happy life at the moment.

[KIP.]

Hey Sunshine, it just takes time. I really struggled for a long time but eventually your confidence and energy will return. I promise. For the moment just take things one day at a time. We have little headspace left for ourselves when we have been dealing with an abuser and it takes time to get that headspace back again. It will happen. Meantime, you’ve had a really lucky escape. And have learned a really good lesson in life. Not everyone is as they seem x

[Borntobefree]

Hi sunshine
I asked myself that same question
When I first met he was so sweet kind caring guy .
He new all about my past and all my insecurities
But it never fazed him. I fell in love with him so quick thinking this is so good to be true
But know I know it was all a trap .
I stayed too long in the relationship thinking I was the problem and gave more . Knowing I new summat was not right with him

It’s taking me a long time to get over the fact I could of died one night because of his actions

I just so happy I ain’t in love with an abuser no more

[Serenity]

Hi Sunshine,

I don’t think the healing process can be hurried, which is why it’s annoying when people tell us to get over it! Unfortunately, we have to go through an extortionate amount of pain post-abuse.

The great thing is, you do reach a time when things seem to fall into place. I feel that I have turned a huge corner: I am now determined to be in the driving seat of my own life and refuse to be moulded or controlled by anyone!

I went through a horrible patch previously. I had lost faith in people, the world. I was thinking of the world as a horrible and painful place. I felt my naive innocence was wrecked forever.

Things changed one day when I was dwelling on things quite negatively, and suddenly some thoughts come to me, and as soon as I adopted them as my mantra, I felt better:

The world isn’t all bad. There are some great people. But there are some bad, manipulative ones.

It would be awful if he changed me forever. I wasn’t wrong to give: Injust have to the wrong person. I need to keep on giving, but be careful to give to the right people as much as possible. I don’t want to become a sceptic who refuses to give: but my experiences have made me more astute.

I can’t give up doing and trying. There seems to be a basic law in the universe: you need to put in more effort than what you get back overall in some ways, but it seems that the people who put in a lot of effort in life do get rewarded with wonderful things and experiences. I’m going to continue being someone who puts effort into life. Hopefully, my awareness of abuse will protect me a bit.

It’s a horrible fact of life that snakes like that exist. They are in every age, every generation and every country. It’s the innocent and pure that get hurt. But they can rise up. They can become ( peaceful) warriors.

[Author]

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