Why did he need to control me though

[Indeepindance]

Hi all,

One question I can’t seem to satisfy myself with an answer that makes sense to me, is why my ex needed to control me using subtle suggestion and gaslighting to make me believe I was bad at looking after myself and that other people were not to be trusted, when it was obvious I was open to listening and considering his view, I already loved him massively, would never cheat, wanted to spend time with him and would have done almost anything for him?

I still can’t process the part where people say they just need power and control- why do they need that and how does it benefit them? Because in the end it often loses them the thing they want to keep hold of doesn’t it? I certainly felt parts of me detaching long before I left and was still devastating to do so.

I just can’t understand why when I gave him no reason not to trust me, and he claimed to be secure and grounded, that he would need to tighten his grip?

Thanks all

Xxxxx

[minimeerkat]

its very normal to feel so confused when youve been in this type of relationship
and im sure most of us were dependable – we could be trusted, were faithful, committed & we loved them
certain abusive types thrive on reactions from us, so no matter how dependable you were it would make them feel good for example if you were trying to continually prove & show them just how dependable you actually were. it wouldnt be enough for them to just know you were trustworthy etc they would have to see you reacting to any doubts they may have had about you. if you think about it behaving this way then gives them such a lot of attention, good or bad
also, its certainly possible if someone is very insecure & has major trust issues it also wouldnt be enough for them to just be told all this – it would need to be continually shown & proved
i dont know if this helps at all x

[Indeepindance]

Minimeerkat thank you it does help a great deal. It does seem to be the good people that come in for this treatment doesn’t it.

And yeah I guess it’s like a child wanting any kind of attention from a parent? I was so attentive though and hated the bumps in the road, I had nothing left to give.

And by the end I didn’t believe he was secure,when I traced all the behaviours back I saw it, but so strange how that translated into unreasonable rules around the home and nitpicking about my washing up skills or how I was too loud etc. Much clearer through the monitoring behaviour needing to know who I was texting and insisting I check my phone if it went off (after initially moaning I was on it too much). Could not win, so sad.

I now don’t know what to do with all this free time and energy that’s not being spent on second guessing my own decisions, arguing or crying for hours!

Xxxxx

[Texas]

Yeah these people are a bottomless pit and all the love in the world will never be enough for them, but that’s on them!

The free time now can be filled with good things 😀 you just need to remind yourself what you like and enjoy. You have probably forgotten as your focus has been on his neediness for so long. But reminding yourself is the fun bit!

[Indeepindance]

Thank you Texas,

It’s so sad I love him so deeply which is why it hurt so much to be whinged at even though I know he loved me too. He was quite irritable with his child too over little things and I never witnessed one episode of age-related misbehaviour from him in all the time we were together. That’s some control right? I can’t imagine how stressed that child was if they were anything like me.

The free time so far has been about food, exercise and strike me down a few glasses of wine…. all without asking first! It took me weeks to feel okay doing any of that and I’m still looking over my shoulder. It feels alien.

Xxxxx

[Author]

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