Why do I believe he’ll change?

[Put the kettle on]

I know realistically it’s very unlikely he’ll change but there’s part of me that just keeps forgiving him and believing he wants to change. Is it trauma bond?

In the moments when he’s flipped and being abusive I’m certain he won’t change but then when things are calmer I think maybe he really doesn’t know he’s abusive, maybe he’s not doing it intentionally. At other times I’m convinced he’s aware of what he does. I definitely struggle to get my head around how someone can knowingly treat someone so badly. He says he loves me yet his actions don’t match his words.

It’s like a back and forth battle of conflicting thoughts in my head

[Eyesopening]

Its your brain trying to protect you, literally trauma bonded you to your captive, I do feel like abusive relationships are like we are being held hostage. And to protect ourselves we stay and we have the similar thing to Stockholm/trauma bonded.
my Dad was abusive (detail removed by moderator) He ruined all his families life, all us kids have major problems into adulthood.
so no, they don’t change, the type of abuse may change.. frequency, (detail removed by moderator)

[StrongLife]

I too believed the violent ex would change. Then I realised I had spent too many years waiting for him to magically change. It does not happen.

I left after I realised he was never going to change.

 

[Fallenofftheradar]

I have gone through exactly the same mental process. Always wondering, it’s it intentional or does he not realise. Or he’ll change he just needs more time to feel secure. But the thing is, at the end of the day, it does n’t even matter. What matters is, what does it do to you? How is it affecting your life and emotional wellbeing. Can you continue living like this, or could you be happier. It’s not your responsibility to save him, even if you could (but you can’t, only he can by taking accountability and doing the work on himself)
You have to choose to live for yourself and not him. You matter!

[Put the kettle on]

Thank you for your replies, it helps so much knowing somebody out there understands

[Tian]

Hi put the kettle on,

I am really sorry that you are going through this and I can relate.

For the last several years of our marriage I worried that my husband was depressed because he was miserable and mean to me. I thought back (years back) and thought, he used to do nice things, so he loves me, right? Right?

I had an Aha! Moment just recently and, honestly, it was chilling

I realised that most of those “nice gestures” were done when someone else was watching – a woman he might want to sh@g in the future (or at least stop me from making an ally). He forged a trauma bond with me by making me think these bits of performance art were love and The mean and miserable phase wasn’t a midlife crisis – it was just him dropping the play acting.

I don’t think a change for the better is likely in most cases because, what would be the payback?

Bit of a tangent there, hope it was of some use?

Stay strong and put yourself first xx

[Author]

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