Why do I feel so guilty?

[tiredofitall]

The end is getting closer and closer every day, Divorce is in process, house sold and I’m buying on and while all that goes through we are still living together and its incredibly hard.
He doesn’t have anyone else and he continues to treat me the same as he always has – there to take his moods out on, to solve his issues for him and to blame me.
He refuses to accept that he is an addict even though he has smoked cannabis every day for over 20 years and he cannot give that up despite having very little money.
I was so tired from the life i was living which just wore me down and I felt like I could not bear the thought of living out the rest of my years like that, where I was almost hoping some days that he would die because that seemed like the only way out and that makes me feel like a horrible person but its the truth.
Now I’ve made the decision to move on I’m excited about my future again and cannot wait to be in control of my own life and to free the children from living under this constant cloud. But on the flip side, I find that I’m feeling guilty. Guilty because I know that he will struggle without me – financially and emotionally. I know he can’t cope with life. He has a lot of issues, he has had some counselling recently but that doesn’t seem to have made much of a difference – i’m sure that because he cannot be truly honest about himself.
He keeps saying that I’ve taken this decision at the worst time in his life – he has been out of work for quite a while and he is older than I am – so his chances of having a good future are a lot less than mine. I agree that is the truth but he didnt care about ruining my life and making me unhappy over all these years. The first thing he said to me this morning was that he wasn’t feeling very happy about his future and didn’t even know if he wanted one at all.
I guess what I’m saying is that I know that I am doing the right thing for myself and the children. And that it is not the best thing for him, he will be worse off and all of the things that he says but it isn’t my fault that he has not taken any steps to be in a position that he can take care of himself. Does that sound harsh? I feel like I need to be quite ruthless with how I allow myself to feel about his situation because I do feel guilty about these things – its one of the reasons it taken me so long to get to this point.
I know I’m also going to have set some boundaries when we finally do live apart as I have real concerns that he is just going to keep relying on me to support him emotionally.
This part suddenly feels very hard.

[beachhut]

You feel guilty because you are a decent person, but please try not to. I am sure there is a Manuel that only abusive men know about that contains all this information on how to send us on the biggest guilt trip they can, we are told we have ruined their life, they cannot live without us, they will change it was all in our imagination, and the big one I will kill myself, unfortunately lots of us have been through this when leaving, they know that they are loosing their power over us and they will have to fend for themselves so will try everything to make us stay, it is all rubbish, make your plans for your new home and life, he is an adult so responsible for his own actions, yes we feel guilty, but we have done nothing wrong so have no need for guilt. Good luck.

[Bananaboat]

I felt awful, my story also involves an addict, health issues, etc etc and I had all that guilt trip thrown at me too. He was vile before I left, like you we had to cohabit, I felt awful leaving and did all I could to make it easier on him at my own detriment.

Roll forward, he’s got a new partner and isn’t faithful, he laughs about how he’s manipulated his housemate financially, he’s boasting about drink/drugs and wants to act like we’re best mates when it suits him – basically they land on their feet because manipulating people is what they do. He’s still trying to keep you as his supply, even as a side asset somehow, try to focus on you – you’ve got a lot of your own healing & recovery to go through xx

[tiredofitall]

Thank you both so much. Everything you say makes such sense and I know you are right but they are so good at knowing the things to say and how to get in your head!
I know I’ve got to stay steady and focused on the end which is near but its just gets harder and harder.
I imagine the heaven of the day that I wake up in my new house without wondering what mood he is in and what he’s going to say or do.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, yes thry know what to say to get to you but you also know him.and his behaviours, use that knowledge to steer yourself through this end part, protect you… mine also declared undying love, never met anyone let me blah de blah to I am suicidal, depressed, you have everything and I have nothing, I am cruel and if I would only listen to how he has changed… fast forward a few months he has moved in with his next victim … they lie and manipulate xx

[tiredofitall]

Wow, its amazing how similar these stories are isn’t it? I’ve had exactly the same – there is no point going on, I’ll have nothing and no life worth living and you’ll have it all. Yet he’s spend the best part of 20 years consistently telling me who useless I am and how unhappy I make him so you think he’d be able to acknowledge this is for the best but in his eyes he feels like I’ve ‘won’. and you are right, as the months go on and we continue to live with each other but now with my eyes open, almost looking down on the situation, I can so much more clearly the increasingly predictable behaviours and how they try to manipulate me. I guess that’s why i get so cross with myself when I allow them to start slipping in. Its like you have to stay vigilant and its quite tiring. I’m so lucky that I found this site and people willing to share their stories because for such a long time i just didn’t realise what was going on but once i starting reading and recognising, i couldn’t deny it any longer.

[Eyesopening]

It’s the emotional manipulation that makes yiu feel guilty and responsible for him. A great book that helped stop that for me was ‘how he gets inside her head’
They brainwash us to care about them first. Their voice is inside our head.
I was the same, I wished he would finally drink and drive and die.
He also smoked weed his whole live, let me pay for everything and hArdly work himself.
Get as far from him as possible. Your are not responsible for him. In time his brainwashing will go and you will have your life back and it will be just as you dreamed. It does take time though, time to heal, time to reconfigure your brain to put yourself first again, to undo the brainwashing. Cx

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