- This topic has 8 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 11 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I get so frustrated with myself for going from one extreme to the other with my feelings for him. He tells me he wants to change, he goes to therapy supposedly to make himself a better person and I’m hooked, full of hope for the life we were supposed to have. Then he does something to trigger a memory, a feeling, I need space and he tries to steamroller over my boundaries and I’m right back in adrenaline fuelled fight mode. I drive people close to me crazy with my extremes. I’m full of sadness at the thought of losing outlet home today as I get it ready for marketing. All around me are reminders of the life I should be having yet all I’m left with is a broken heart, all I want is him to hold me and make it better. He’s the problem though so he can’t make it better. These extremes of feeling make me doubt things were that bad when I know in my head it was. I know when you els rite down on paper what I had to put up with there is no grey area just great big wrongs. I’m heartbroken at where I am now and know that I don’t have space on my life to really start a new life for myself, my life revolves around work and children, children and work, no space for anything else. I’m lonely and sad and hate that this is what I’ve now become. Why can’t I keep feeling positive? Why does a life with him keep drawing me back when I know he has the emotional maturity of a two year old? Does anyone else suffer such extremes? How do you keep going? X
-
I think it is part of the grieving process but you will be fine. You will get your life back. Your confidence will return with your self esteem. You will make a good life for you and your children. On your terms. And further down the line you will meet a nice man who will fit in with you and your family. I wish we could all skip this grieving process but it’s all natural. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve been through a terrible trauma. Maybe it would help to write down the goals you have for say where you want to be in a year X
-
Thank you kip. That’s the trouble I think. I just have no idea. There’s no real space or support with the kids for me to have any life outside the home just now. My ex husband has the kids as little as humanly possible which hurts them, he is (detail removed by Moderator), extremely masoganistic and needs a lot of, “time to myself”. Id love to move completely but it’s not good timing, one is in a big exam year, too much upset to change schools so I’m stuck here. X
-
It is as KIP has said, it just takes time. I remember that you and I were posting at the same time the weeks following my break up, i was heartbroken and so grief stricken. This pain has now lessened an awful lot, I no longer have obsessive intrusive thoughts and no longer think about him for 99% of every day. Its time, loads of posting on here and reading as much as you can about abusive relationships. x*X (In a year from now this will all look so different)
-
-
Dear Mini, Maintaining No Contact, after tying up any loose ends is key to reducing the obsessive and intrusive thoughts, this combined with time. They lessen as the time goes on. Mini, have you officially broken up with your partner, both said that you are no longer together? The reason that I ask is because we were still together, but he was basically treating me like s**t. I would not tolerate that but at that point we were still a couple. I felt very confused about it all. I finished it, when I did that it made things clearer and I had more of an unhazy path to navigate. Sadly I allowed him at that point to take over control which ruined it that is why No Contact is so important. But when I had tied up the loose ends, i.e finished with him, and then began No Contact, the intrusive and obsessive thoughts gradually lessened each week. Now I only think about him a small bit. Key things: Maintain No Contact; avoid all social media of his; maintain 100% NC with him, any relatives or associates of his; try to keep busy; when a thought or trigger starts to come into your mind deliberatly stop it in its tracks before it takes hold; be patient with yourself and realize that time is a healer. X*X
-
Hi, you feel like way a lot of us feel…
My husband recently helped me due to a serious situation taking place. He helped me sort it out and I, like you, have started having doubts, I have doubts in fact quite often.
But like you, I will later on be triggered once again by something else and he will behave in a totally different way, steamrolling boundaries.
I have so far kept the contact with him to the bare minimum, and this has helped me. But my head yoyos daily. The situations I experience with him are serious enough to make me wonder who am I dealing with, is it my fault (honestly it isn’t), what about my kids, my home, the good life we could have, can I forgive him etc.
Then reality hits. Even my kids see it. One of them told me he said he finds it hard to make friends, to see people, but that doesn’t mean we should be putting up with what he does, how he behaves. It’s not our fault. The list of doubts versus facts is long and twisted and weird.
I know how you feel, for now I keep weighing things, my solicitor is working on my finances and that will also be a factor for me due to my kids and their needs (university mainly).
At the moment I can find times in the week where I can breathe while his job keeps him busy or away.
My head even yoyos with making those moments count like essential breathing space…
How confusing is this type of life…?
Deep down lies the answer for all of us. Abuse is abuse. Coping is coping, it’s not living. -
-
Escaped not free, i feel just like this , one time feeling nicer towards him as he is nicer, then hating him for how he has and is treating me, its so hard to cope and understand , but we react to how they treat us. I also know that feeling of craving him to hold you and make it right,in Lundy bancrofts book,i think he says that he is your comforter and your abuser, its his role to comfort and support BUT HE is the very one causing the issues, our emotions are like roller coasters all the time, I think i must be crazy feeling good feelings for him then hating him, but they are causing these emotions in us.
I was relived to read your post as I am wondering what on earth is wrong with me.
Bridget I also dream of the good life we coull have and could I totally forgive him and start again if he changed, I dream of him changing but in reality atm he is in denial. xx
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
