Why does his behaviour continue to surprise me!

[Strube]

My partner and I dropped the kids off with their Dad for a few hours today. He was sternly spoken to recently by our Cafcass officer because he had broken a verbal agreement we had by introducing his new partner to our kids too soon. My partner and I wondered if she would be there today, I joked that he’ll probably hide her car and pretend she’s not there…haha. Well she was there, and he did hide her car. The kids told me all about their day with their dad and his girlfriend.

I’m pretty numb about it to be honest. Although I thought he may do such a thing, I didn’t really think he would. I know him so well. Why does he continue to surprise me. I wish I didn’t measure his choices and actions against my own. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so let down.

The issue here isn’t because I’m unhappy with the kids spending time with her. It’s my abuser’s complete disregard for our verbal agreement, his thoughtlessness towards our kids, his scheming behaviour and his utter arrogance.

I am practicing the gray rock method and so I am choosing not to make a big deal of this because I think he’s expecting me to react. However, I would like nothing more than to have this out with him! Im keeping a record of everything but it doesn’t help ease my upset now unfortunately 🙁

I’ve said from the beginning he’s likely to get bored and lose interest in our kids when he sees he can’t get to me anymore. I hope I’m right. He under estimates my ability to play the long game and wait for him to trip himself up. He’s so arrogant he can’t help it. Just wish it was sooner rather than later!

[lover of no contact]

You are brilliant. You get it. He will get bored and lose interest when he sees he is not getting to you anymore (not before he tries other tactics to get to you). So hard to do but its essential give him no reaction. He thrives off your upset. Thats what keeps him going. That’s it completely. Your ability to play the long game. That is the way. He will trip up. Pride comes befor a fall and they have plenty of pride, arrogance as you say and grandiosity not to mention a heap load of entitlement. He will hopefully fall a long way. Helped by karma and consequences to actions. Some abusers appear to never get consequences in this life… but I’m sure they will in the next.

Gray rock method is perfect in your situation. He would love you to respond and have it out with him. It would energize him no end and you would come out feeling an emotional wreck.

Abusers have complete disregard for any agreements, they even think they are above the law. They don’t even keep the moral law. They lie so easily.

My abuser-ex has reneged on every single one of our court separation agreement. Every single financial one. I’d say he is proud of himself. I know his thinking…no one will tell him what to do, not the courts, not the law, not the police…not even God Himself. He is above them all. He is a law unto himself.

[gentlespirit]

The abuser is trying to get you to react and he will use your kids to hurt you. Please don’t be surprised by any methods he uses remember its about control and the satisfaction and amusement he gets from hurting you even if the kids are hurt in the process. Be careful because he may ask the kids questions to see if he got to you and that will feed his n**********c ego.
An abuser sees the legal system as his playground and they manipulate the system so well. Please continue to document and be careful of your actions and reactions cuz anything you do he will twist around and use it against you.
I am sad for the children and you because our abusers put themselves first before anyone else and this is not going to change. If you have not had the opportunity already please look up “The N*********s Nightmare” it is an excellent book which describes most of the tactics an abuser uses and how to protect ourselves and children from their tactics.
My abuser thinks the legal system is a joke and he knows how to act yet it is only a tool for him to use against me otherwise they cannot tell him anything otherwise the system is biased and discriminating against him, he also expects whatever he says to be taken at face value as if he is God. The arrogance. Yet he has gotten away with so much it is positively unnerving and scary. The legal system really needs to be revamped to help survivors more than abusers because legal abuse syndrome is real and it is not right.
I wish you well, be realistic and patient and empower yourself about their tactics. Take care.

[Strube]

All abusers are the same. I suppose we should take that as a small mercy – it means we will always be one step ahead of them.

I get very cross and frustrated with the family courts. Why aren’t abusers forced to abide by contact orders??

[gentlespirit]

They know how to play the system well. And if you do go back to court it may just seem like miscommunication on your part. Our abusers know how to twist things around and to manipulate the legal system. Even family court- sad to say. Please access Jeanne King website for excellent informative emails about different aspects of domestic violence and dealing with the legal system. Also, “The N*********s Nightmare” is an excellent book and explains our abusers tactics and how to receive validation for our abuse.

[Author]

Posts