Why is he back?

[Elmo]

My ex found me on Facebook and has sent me a message. It’s nothing nasty, just a ‘hope you are well’ kind of message. I’ve not seen or spoke to him since I got the courage to leave (detail removed by moderator) years ago. I’m happy now with my lovely husband and our little family and it has really shaken me to hear from him.

The worst bit is, I want to reply. Not cos I want him back, I really don’t. I just want to know he is ok. I want to know why he’s got in touch now, after so long. Deep down I know he’s not changed, but I loved him so much for long and am so angry at myself that I’m still letting him into my head. Even just seeing his picture again, he’s all I can think about. I’m trying to remind myself of the horrific abuse and how desperately unhappy I was with him, but I just feel so weak. I thought I’d finally managed to move past it all but he still seems to have a hold on me. How can find the strength to ignore him and get past this?

[Camel]

Hi Elmo

His message may ask how you are but he really really doesn’t care. Please believe me.

It may help you to picture this – he’s alone, full of self-pity and getting steadily p****d. Probably just in his pants.

Why? Because his current supply isn’t toeing the line in some way. Maybe she’s working late. Whatever. What better way to punish her than drop into conversation tomorrow that an ex is back in touch.

He’ll have cast the net wide, attempting to hoover someone (anyone) back in. Occasionally he’ll stop to check the dating websites he’s joined.

Now – do you honestly care how he is?

Please don’t reply. Only more hurt lies there.

[Elmo]

Hi Camel, thank you so much for your reply.

You made me realise something and remember how things used to be.

I was going to reply to you and explain that he wasn’t like that, he was in no way better, but he was a different type of person.

Then I heard it, what I was going to say next. Words I haven’t heard myself say in (detail removed by moderator) years. I was going to tell you how it was different with me and him, he really did love me and does still care. I’m the only one who understands him… Then it all came flooding back, I must had said these words to my best friend a million times, and every time I remember feeling terrified and desperately trying to defend him. I hated being that girl.

Thank you so much for replying to me, it helps so much speaking to someone who understands. I don’t feel like I can talk about it to my friends or family, they’ve always had such little patience on the matter (understandably). They don’t understand how broken I was back then.

[Camel]

Hi Elmo

I’m very glad I could put some perspective on it.

Congratulate yourself on another lucky escape and don’t allow him (or past damage) to take up too much space in your head.

You have been triggered though so I understand why you need to talk things out. Unfortunately friends and family (no matter how much they care for you) are unlikely to understand the depth of the trauma. Keep posting on here if it helps x

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Elmo

Block him. Whats so horrific is that they know the power they hold, they rely on those old tactics still working. They know exact how effective they’ve been in the past.

No need to say much just a few throw away words to transport us back to old associations and connections.

‘Hope you are well’ means this is just a hook thrown by an abuser to reel you back in

I am so glad you have been able to shake off those old hooks and tactics to realise he is tye person you were terrified of, your perpetrator.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Flowerchild]

He’s a recycler. You’re not in the recycling bin!

Flower x

[Elmo]

Thank you for replying everyone, it is such a relief to me finding this forum. Everyone thinks I’m ‘fixed’ cos my hubby is so good and on the outside it looks like we have the perfect life, but my scars run so much deeper than that. I hate being the victim so just try to block out all all the trauma. I met my ex when I was so young and lost, he moulded and conditioned me and it was all I ever knew. I left my emotionally abusive childhood home and went straight into his. He was a drug addict of the worst kind but I didn’t know that when I met him. I was just so relieved to find someone who loved me.

Something in my switched when I saw that message, Ive read it and looked at his picture a million times. I know he was actively looking for me as it’s a new Facebook account and he only has two (guy) friends on it. He never was one for technology, his whole life revolved around drugs and finding enough money to buy drugs. I always thought I could save him. Cliche, I know.

I still have an idea of what’s going on in his life, we are from a small town, one of those where everyone knows each other and every so often a friend will drop into conversation that they saw him, or heard this about him, or I’ll read his name in the local paper for some kind of petty crime. But I’ve always been able to shake these things off, I’ve been so scared of seeing him thinking how angry he must be that I left. My last memory of being with him was the worst night of them all, he almost killed me and that’s how I’ve remembered him since. Then he sent me that message as the ‘nice’ version of himself and it has blurred my memory a bit.

[KIP.]

I wonder if you ever had any trauma counselling? Perhaps now is a good time to engage with counselling as all these memories and triggers return. Simply block him. Have you considered making a statement to the police, if you haven’t already? That would send him a very clear message x

[Elmo]

I didn’t have trauma counselling, I’ve always been a bit in denial about the abuse. I’ve always justified it cos the violence and sexual abuse wasn’t everyday, it was largely controlling, emotional abuse I endured which escalated if I didn’t comply. I had counselling when I left him for anorexia which was ordered by the hospital and conditional of my discharge but I was still very angry during that time and only went cos they made me. I definitely didn’t make the most of it. I also had some CBT that work sent me to a few years back cos my anxiety was so bad and that was a real turning point for me, it really helped. My husband is also incredible at building my confidence back up and making me feel safe.

I wouldn’t want to report this to the police as it just looks like a nice message to an old friend. I never filed anything with the police when we were together cos I was too afraid x

[Author]

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