Why won’t it sink in

[Pineapplepie]

(Detail removed by moderator) I called the police on my husband, He was incredibly angry with me over (detail removed by moderator).
He stayed out all night as I didn’t leave when he left and was so angry the following morning as (detail removed by moderator).
He smashed a mirror, pushed me over and through my out of the house.
I’ve never seen him so angry. I played it down when the police came through meet me and said I didn’t want to press charges.
Did I do right?
I called a friend and told her about some of it, and since then another two but I’m too ashamed to tell them it it all.
I’m currently staying at a family members house with my children.
I have had endless phone calls and messages from him accusing me of cheating on him but saying he’s going to meet up with someone and play me at my own games. I’m not playing games nor cheated.
I’ve had friends comment on (detail removed by moderator) and telling me I deserved better.
And still if he said he would stop this I know I’d go back to him.
Why do I feel like this?
We have been together for a long time and have 2 children together, is this why? I just don’t know what to do. Right now I could end it all once and for good and I’d never go back but deep down I think I want too.
If he hadn’t have thrown me out I’d definitely be there.
I know it’s wrong the way he treats me but I just don’t know why I am putting up with it.

[Bananaboat]

Hello, welcome to the forum and sorry you find yourself here. What a weekend you’ve had. Why do you feel like this? Easy, it’s the cycle of abuse, the cognitive dissonance and the brain’s addiction. It’s also because you’re a normal person, wanting a normal life, expecting him to be a normal person and operate in a normal way. Unfortunately what you’ve experienced is and always will be part of him, and your trust will never quite be the same. Once the abusive texts stop he’ll probably switch to either pretending it never happened and you won’t be able to bring it up and/or being a dream, lovely, the version you wish you had all the time. Many of us have gone back, for our kids, for ourselves, because we believe the good over the bad, because we want to feel like we’ve tried it all before we quit etc etc, so no one will judge you if you do – but do not forget the version of him you’ve seen now. Research about abuse, educate yourself. There’s no rush to make a decision. x

[Pineapplepie]

You are right; I do want my family, I want it normal, I wish he could. I felt he wasn’t just a partner but my best friend, I love him so much and wish I could stop. I look back at the things that have happened and I’ve sort of blocked it all out, I can see now that this all started in the first year of us being together but I couldn’t see it as 99% of the time it’s been verbal.

[Bananaboat]

I always recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ because it truly started my eyes opening, I find Dr Ramani on YouTube relatable too and there’s a useful cartoon video on the freedom program website about good/bad. Unfortunately no matter how hard you want your family and him to be normal, he’s just not wired that way. I used to think mine was my best friend, that we shared the same likes etc but I know realise he only started liking those things with me like a mimic. So many of us didn’t recognise or allow ourselves to see their behaviour for years, by which point you’ve got a life together and it’s hard to separate. Everything you’re feeling right now is perfectly normal. Be kind to yourself, this is really hard to go through xx

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