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Anyone else find themselves awake in the middle of the night overthinking, unpicking their entire life & realising the red flags that were there that you chose to ignore, or times you were manipulated into thinking those behaviours were ok?
It’s exhausting knowing you probably always had a feeling that when things weren’t right & you couldn’t put your finger on it that it was always turned out to be your fault.
Told You should’ve considered his feelings more, or should’ve thought about how he’d feel if the tables were turned, when you know that what you’ve done was not out of the ordinary & what most people do (like going out with friends & not answering his calls) which would result in accusations of affairs followed by silent treatment & me apologising profusely for upsetting him, reassuring him. Going out was a rare occurrence & to avoid any upset I’d rather not go & so my world became smaller.
Like all of you, I loved him & would do anything to make him happy & keep the peace. I flit between feelings of sadness at the years lost & hopes for the future and the knowledge of what I experienced which makes me feel stronger for speaking up about it & confident things will be ok. Such a mixed bag.
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Hi Twix,
I think that what you’ve expressed here will resonate with a lot of women on this forum. It can be hard to find peace with so many conflicting emotions and wondering “what if?”, often there’s no satisfactory answer that we can settle on. Thank you for sharing so openly, I’m sure it will help others feel less alone.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
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I was awake last night until 3.30 and today I am exhausted and teary. I hate to turn the late off and try to sleep as the noise inside my head is deafening. I thought I was recovering slowly and then had a huge setback – discovered that good friends of mine, who I’m due to meet up with soon, are entertaining my ex (detail removed by Moderator). So it gets me going back over everything again, trying to figure out how to get myself heard, seen… how he is able to suck everyone in so successfully. How I face up to these people – if they still want to breathe the same air as him then we are not on the same page and yet they are supposed to be my friends.
And I spiral. I think to myself I don’t want to do this any more. And I turn the light back on and distract myself in order to banish the utter despair and hopelessness that shout so loud at me in the dark and the loneliness. -
Sorry I didn’t reply Lottieblue, I hope you’ve had a better week. It’s so hurtful to know people you thought were friends take their side but I think it’s because they’re being manipulated into believing their narrative. The smear campaign against me started a year in advance of us separating, but those who know me have refused to believe his BS & can see what he really is. His family however have been fully behind him & cut me off. This really hurts after decades & makes me wonder if they’re siding with him for fear of upsetting him…highly likely.
My sleep patterns are all out, I have nightmares & feel exhausted, but this too shall pass & wont last forever x -
Yep. I dont sleep good at all I cant rest. I feel so full of guilt sadness fear. I wonder what tomorrow will bring, what will I do wrong will he kick off will he be nice? Is it my fault? How can I change? Just thoughts over and over again running through my head. So I get you i cant look at my phone at night or im accused of having an affair im too scared to look even if hes asleep so I often just lay there awake thinking. I hope in time twix that you find some peace and calm meditation is supposed to be good maybe give this a go to calm your mind xxxxxx
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