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My Ex partner is currently in a new relationship.From other people’s experience do they treat there new partners any different ? My Ex has always had some sort of partner but so far never been long time.With current one they are both so happy .They love each other she wants to marry him etc .( you can see already she’s hooked in a short space time ) .As for he’s seeing his own children now since new partner is no non existent.His new partner has a child .Would he be a better dad to that child ? Are there any good dads that have abusive nature ?
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Hey there, once an abuser always an abuser. They may change tactics with each new partner but they will always have the abuser traits. The abuser only thinks of himself. They follow the same pattern. My ex couldn’t stand children yet he plays happy families with his new girlfriend. It’s all one huge act to try and hook the new victim. He will always revert to abuse because that’s the only way he knows how. I know it’s hurtful in the beginning to see them with someone else but believe me she has a world of hurt coming her way and without sounding callous, be grateful that he has a distraction from you. They may look happy but we all know what happened when the front door gets shut. Set strong boundaries now so that when this new relationship breaks down, you are not in a position where he can walk back into your life. The children will learn that he’s unreliable. You have to parent for both of you now. Stay strong and don’t be tempted to look on social media. I came off all Facebook etc and never went back on. Don’t miss it at all 😃
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No, leopards don’t change their spots. They are chameleons- able to transform themselves temporarily into whatever they think the new partner dreams of- but they can’t hide their nasty side forever.
After we married, my ex hunted to me that he’d dumped his previous girlfriend in an unkind manner. He has been seen with a woman who he appears to treat like a servant, in keeping with his superior attitude.
There is something basically very wrong in how they view human relationships. They are very good at pretending for a while.
Your ex’s new girlfriend may not even be aware tetvthey he is an abuser. He might carry out the abuse in such a covert way, she will begin to question and blame herself, and not recognise what he’s doing. Poor lady.
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He will have the appearance of changing initially but he will soon start to manipulate and abuse her.
Think back to how he treated you when you first entered into a relationship.
Were you put on a pedestal? Were you told all the wonderful things you wanted to hear?
If our abusers were horrible from day one we’d probably have run a mile on the first date.
Once he’s hooked her in, he’ll start his regime.Have you been on the Freedom Program? I’ve found it really helpful in understanding the behaviours of abusers and spotting the red flags. Once you have the knowledge, perpetrators really are quite transparent.
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I agree, the Freedom programme is very useful.
Note how he says ‘when I get engaged/married’ or ‘make someone else pregnant’: abusers push for commitment and use having children as a way of controlling a woman and making her feel trapped and dependant. The fact he said that to you is a huge red flag.
They are predators- out to chase, catch and slowly disempower their prey.
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I don’t think so. You hear so many stories of them being continually abusive. And @bubblegum, mine used to say similar stuff,its all to make you feel like rubbish. Mine has a new GF and I feel sorry for her as I’m sure the same will happen. And no I don’t think abusive ex’s are good dads. If you are abusive to a partner then you are abusive full stop I think, although I used to be more soft and tolerant but now I can see things more clearly. Good luck and big hugs xx
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I’ve read a lot since I left, Bubblegum. It’s helped me to understand how I came to be in an abusive relationship, to understand it wasn’t my fault and to learn how to avoid another abusive relationship in the future.
I’ve re-read certain books as I couldn’t take it all in to start with.
I have found it useful to connect with other survivors as it’s made the journey a lot less lonely and isolated. -
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I’ve read loads and loads.
I remember an article which advised victims of abuse to read as much as they can about abuse- in order to understand and protect themselves in the future. I’ve spent the last couple of years reading and reading.
I’m now at the point where I feel I’ve read enough to not have to read all the time- I feel safe in my knowledge and understanding to start to go out and begin experiencing life again in little bursts, if that makes sense.x
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Dear Bubblegum
In response to your question as to whether he’ll treat his new partner better the answer is no. I was that new partner so I know. I know because when I told my lovely grown up step daughter I was leaving her dad she told me she was surprised I’d lasted as long as I did with him and went onto describe her childhood and her mum’s life with him. They dont change xx -
abusers will often find a new “partner” right after you leave them. they may even have one in the works before you actually flee (12 steps ahead)… and they may very well treat her great – and why? so that she believes he’s a great guy and you are (detail removed by Moderator) and the problem in the relationship, or the bad parent, etc… she may testify in his favour at family court or at least with other third parties, make him look good… give the impression of a stable family even if its all fake clever abusers will find some woman, charm her, and eventually have her look after his kids (this allows him to more easily gain custody if he works full time). he can hide his abusive nature from her for years… least until he gets what he wants (custody, you in a box, ???)
so my answer to your question is, often, yes, he will treat her better as a TACTICAL move, a hired hand to help him “win” this war… but eventually these guys always revert back to being abusive and im sure that little traces of his controlling nature surface within a relatively short time with this new woman (who is more than happy to help him get custody of your kids) x
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