Will this anger ever go?

[Soangrystill]

Hi.
I escaped from emotionally abusive relationship almost (detail removed by moderator) years ago now but I’m still fighting with anger. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m not an angry person but I just can’t let go of my hatred and anger towards him.
All the warning signs were there at the start of the relationship but because I was overweight with no confidence, I just continued with it as I felt lucky that someone wanted me. I’d been single for (detail removed by moderator) years previous to meeting him and with my clock ticking and desperately wanting to meet someone, settle down and have children I just stuck with it. The name calling and put downs started about 6 months into the relationship. I used to argue back and always ended up in tears as it took me back to childhood and being bullied then for my size. He’d had a c****y childhood with (detail removed by moderator) so I sort of accepted he couldn’t help it and I felt like I wanted to help him. After detail removed by moderator), I fell pregnant. We were over the moon and I just felt this overwhelming sense of responsibility. Unfortunately, he didn’t. We argued all the time and the abuse got worse and worse. This time though with my hormones raging I started to hit out. I’m completely ashamed of it but I couldn’t take what he was saying and I lashed out. I felt like I was an abuser too and none of this was ever my nature. My son arrived (detail removed by moderator) earlier than planned as I fell very ill and we were lucky to survive. Instead of him being by my side, he went back to work saying that he would lose his job if he didn’t. I was still living with my parents and he used to stay for the odd night here and there but it was always me doing night feeds etc. He was always too tired or had work. He lived about (detail removed by moderator) miles from me but we managed to get housed with his council so I moved away from all my family and friends with a promise from him that we would get an exchange and move back. When we got there, he refused so I was left with no one around me. When my son was (age removed by moderator) we broke up. He finished it one night and the next morning and I don’t know where my strength came from, but I walked out and was placed into a women’s refuge. After 6 long months in there, he finally gave up our home and I moved back in hoping to get an exchange and move back to familiar surroundings. He likes to tell everyone how he gave the place up. What he doesn’t tell was that he left us there for 6 months and he was about to be hit with the bedroom tax so that’s why he gave the place up! Almost (detail removed by moderator) years later and I’m still here but I’m trying to make it work.

He is still part of my life as I have a son with him and as much I as try to not have contact with him myself, he still finds a way to drag me in and put me down or have the odd dig at me somehow. My son sees him every other weekend and he phones/FaceTimes almost every day so he is still involved very much so. He’s moved on with another lady and (detail removed by moderator). I worry for her. She’s a nice person but once again, he’s isolated her by moving her away from her family. She is also a very large lady so I often wonder if he has pulled her in the same way as me. I just feel so angry that he gets to move on and live his life whilst I’m left to raise his son. I’m trying to make sure he is raised properly and he loves it when he gets complimented about what an amazing boy my son is. He loves taking credit for that when it’s me that does all the hard work. He seems to fall on his feet so often. Flitting from job to job, getting housed and now he’s been diagnosed with (detail removed by moderator) so he’s got another excuse for his laziness. All this together makes me furious but it’s eating me up inside. I think there is some jealousy too. Not because I want him as I’ve never felt such hatred towards a person but because it doesn’t seem fair that he broke me yet he’s the happy one. Where is the justice in that?
I have terrible depression and anxiety. I’ve had counselling and CBT. I’ve been on antidepressants for years. They’ve told me there is no other treatment for me now. I did the freedom programme whilst in refuge but it made me feel worse as I ended up feeling like I was a perpetrator too. What am I supposed to do? I’ve had suicidal thoughts but would never act on it as I couldn’t let my son live with him. He’s all that keeps me alive. I exist, I don’t live.

I’m so sorry for the long post but I wondered if anyone else had the same feelings?

[Lisa]

Hi Soangrystill

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing what you are going through. It is normal to have these feelings of anger towards him, because there has been no justice. He has got away with abusing you and is living a new life, and he is also a big part of your sons life, these things make it very hard to be able to move on.

I hope you find this forum a good support

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[KIP.]

I went through the anger stage. I wonder if you’ve ever had counselling from a specialist domestic abuse counsellor? You have every right to be angry. However it seems to me that he hasn’t moved on, nor is he happy, otherwise he wouldn’t be making digs at you or drag you in. What I found really helped me was to take back control. I’m not sure what age your child is but is there any way you can totally avoid any contact at all with your ex? Contact with our abuser is very toxic to us and triggering. You have every right to have contact through a third party. Think of an iceberg. Abusers chip away at that iceberg, at our self esteem and our confidence. It’s now upto you to rebuild that iceberg to the way it was before he chipped away. Start by writing three positive things each day. It could just be a walk to the shops, cleaning out a cupboard or meeting up with a friend. Build on the positive things and do three things a day that you enjoy. Even if it’s a bubble bath, a cuddle with your son and watching a favourite movie. It’s amazing how doing positive things can change our mindset. As for your ex. Good riddance to bad rubbish. I’m a big believer in Karma and she will catch up with him big style one day x

[diymum@1]

The thing is his happyness is just a facade, a bit like them as a whole. You see men like this don’t feel the same as we do. It’s due to loads of different variables in them forming their sense of self. They’re incapable of deep feelings like empathy and love. I think we make a mistake looking at their new life’s with rose tinted glasses. He will treat her the same way as you inevitably. You’ve got so so much more than him going for you, I promise xx take care diy xx💕💕💪

[Iwantmeback]

I’m beginning to find fault in everything he does, I know my patience is getting thinner and thinner, to the stage that he’s commenting on it now. I know it’s because I dont want to be in this relationship anymore. I look out my Windows and feel trapped. I also know I have choices, yet I still don’t say the words, I want to finish us. It’s 10.30am we’re playing musical rooms just now. life goes on yet I hold our future in my hands.
😔

[diymum@1]

What I’m saying is he’s giving you this perception of his great life deliberately to hurt you. It dosent mean it’s a reality, I bet far from it or why would he use this tactic? Surely he would just concentrate on his own life xx it’s pathetic of them really xx rise above it and be proud you sound like a great parent xx 💕 💕 DIY 😊

[diymum@1]

IWMB, it sounds like saturation point, almost like frustration bubbling up and over? When I get to this point I’m like a caged animal. I want to be free but also worried about the world out there. Maybe we conditioned to feel that the world’s not safe? Xx when in reality it is fairly safe xx hope that makes sense ! ☺luv diy xx ☺ 💕

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