Wishing things could have been different

[Eve1]

I just typed up a long post about feeling insecure recently, especially financially and almost rushing to go back to the financial security I had with my abusive ex husband, and I’ve lost it! Frustrating. I’ve since been put with my daughter for a little walk and feel better, but I still want to write this.
I’m going for an interview next week for a job to try to get away from the job I’m doing now doing admin for a woman who can only tell me what mistakes I’m making, never anything positive. It’s a shame as the money means I’m breaking even for the first time in years, but I can’t bear it. I also feel recently like I am quite stupid. This woman often talks about current affairs and I know nothing about it. I don’t really take much interest and can’t bear to watch news if its negative or if people are suffering. I felt like this recently with some friends who are mostly very settled financially and I felt scarfi about how I don’t know what my future holds in that sense, and why was I so stupid, couldn’t I have stayed and put some money away for myself?
I know this would have been impossible, he tightly controlled the finances and I did 5 hours of work per week and had no money of my own. I just keep beating myself up about it. I keep having memories of exactly how I felt in my mid twenties, stuck, hopeless, unattractive, no confidence, I’d just given up an training course and felt like a failure (unsurprisingly this is when I got involved with him). Sometimes in recent months it’s like I’ve been transported back to that place at least emotionally. It’s horrible.
Life has been, over the last few years, so much better without him, for me and ine convinced, for my children. Maybe it’s because it’s been a few years and really I’m mostly free of his influences and I’m thrown back on to my own resources and times are tough going for a bit.
I’m glad I can come on here still. It’s what I need at the moment.
Eve
x

[Eve1]

wanting, not rushing
out not put
scared not scarfi

Sorry, phone typos
Eve

[Falling Skys]

Hi Eve1

Good luck with the interview xx My boss is abusive at times as well so I am looking for a new job too.

But I also feel that he’s knock my confidence in myself which makes me take things to heart a bit quicker than it use to.

I always feel better for a walk too.

I also thought if I could squirrel some money away it would help, but he always kept my accounts over drawn and if I did hide any it disappeared… So as you said he wouldn’t have let you have any, so you have done it alright.

So pleased that you and your children are happier and that’s the main thing.

[Winterblues2]

Eve,

Do not feel stupid for not knowing about current affairs like your friends. The things they see on the tv are not real life but a depiction of what the media would like us to think and see. Its wonderful that they take an interest in it but you have the advantage of having real life experience and being a survivor, unlike those people whose lives and thoughts are governed by the tv, you have lived and learned and had the strength to survive everything life has thrown at you.

Do not beat yourself up about not saving whilst with him, as you have said it was impossible for you to do so. It is not worth worrying about things that you cannot change – although we all fall foul of this sometimes.

I wish you the best of luck in your interview. xx

[Eve1]

Thank you.

Yes, I think I feel my confidence is knocked at the moment. I do know I did the right thing by leaving.
I went for an initial season for counselling last week as I may go back for some more counselling and the man said, did I feel believed, about being abused? Afterwards I thought, yes I think generally I feel believed, but I don’t think people realise the long term affects of it.
I know it’s worth it. It’s just hard when you come across it at work.
Thank you for your reply. Good luck with your job hunt.
Eve
xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Eve – don’t think we have spoken since they started up the new forum – you remember me??

I haven’t really had time to think about my financial situation lately, my dad was in hospital for 10 weeks, and he passed away just at the end of 2015, we had the funeral 3 days ago, so things have been tough, but all of the worry with him has taken my mind off of my financial situation. didn’t give it a thought while he was so ill.

He gave me some money before he passed away which has really helped, given me a breathing space.
While he was ill I was spending a lot of time at the hospital.
I have not worked at all in the last two weeks, but went back to work on Thursday, I had to really , with no money coming in and no man to support me and my two teenage children I have to go back to work as being self-employed, if I don’t work no money comes in.

My housing benefit review is due again now and I have to fill in all those forms again to beg for money from then, it scares me every time, for I just can’t get by without housing benefit, so until I know I have got it again then I’m in limbo not knowing how we will manage…..

Anyeay enough of me – back to you – well done you for sticking at that job, I know how much you hated it – you should be so proud of yourself for sticking it out!!!! 🙂

Good luck with that interview – I hope you get it – its so important for our mental well-being and for being able to be a good parent if we are financially secure, when you don’t know if you can make ends meet and don’t know if you have enough to pay the bills AND eat – then the mental strain is so great and when you are under so much pressure – then you can’t be the mum you WANT to be.

I know I get so stressed and irritable when money is tight and I know I’m short tempered with the children – that’s not good – its not their fault.

I know just what you mean about feeling stupid – I have not got much qualifications, and have been in the same job since leaving school at 16, so I have very little to offer employers in the way of experience or qualifications.
I know I’m too stupid to study and better myself – I’m mid 40s and feel like my life is going nowhere.

But like you too I know my life is better since leaving my abuser, and I know me and my kids are so much happier now than we would have been if we had stayed with him – but the price we have had to pay for our freedom is not being able to support our family.

Sorry I have no advice or encouragement for you – just wanted you to know I understand how you feel.

Good luck with the interview, and let me know how you get on.

Love, mixed-up mum x*x

[Falling Skys]

Good luck with the counselling do you ever feel we aren’t allowed to go through one thing at a time. I expect your like me just want to get on with work and be away from abuse but no.

That’s why I love this site because only survivors of abuse understand what we feel and why things get to us.

FS

[Eve1]

Thanks to all of you. Yes, FS, I’m like you all i want to do, just work and try and keep us going, and for a while I did feel I was able to deal with it all more steadily, but now I have to work as much as possible. We are survivors though. We should be proud shouldn’t we?
Winter blues thank you, you’re right, I do like I’m too busy surviving to look around much. But I will think of this as something to be proud of
Hello again mixed up mum, so sorry you’ve lost your Dad. I’m not sure how I’ll cope if something like that happens. Hope you’re housing benefit works out. It makes me angry that we struggle so much. Thank you for your post. I’m going to try my best for the interview.
My love and best wishes to you all.
Eve
x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

U doing ever do well , I know it’s hard when we see others around us financially secure but give it time and u will come out even stronger than u r, even I get days where I feel so stupid for taking it for so long and putting myself in that situation, but Hun it was them that did it to us, we can’t change what’s happened but what happens in future and rest of our lives is what we need to focus on

[Serenity]

Hi Eve,

I used to avoid the news and contemporary issues like the plague in my 20s. I think because J had enough stuff to deal with, plus I think I believed I was never going to be as quick witted and eloquent and on the ball as some confident, outgoing and assertive peopleI knew. I just shrunk into the shadows.

Something funny happened every timeI did go outside this comfort zone, however. I would get good feedback on my performance.

I myself would be pushing to achieve these things. I think, like shoots leaning towards the sunlight, we naturally yearn to grow.

Fast forward to meeting my husband. How surreptitiously he tried to make me revert to low paid and dehumanising jobs. He didn’t like me being brave- it scared him. He wanted me isolated and scared.

An old tutor of mine once told me “Intelligence is confidence.” That’s all it is. Self-belief.

You always come across as very intelligent, eloquent and with a huge amount of emotional intelligence.

I know it is heartbreaking to think how many years we spent being overruled and controlled. Like birds in a cage. You aren’t happy at your present job and at being treated like you are by your co-worker because you have changed. The old Eve would have put up with it and maybe even blamed herself. The developed, wise Eve knows that there are people out there who will limit others and disrespect them due to their own need for power, and you aren’t willing to be that target any more. You know that you are worth more and that your experiences have made you someone who has more to offer, and a better life to experience.

Believe in yourself and your own power. x*x

[Eve1]

Well that didn’t work out and I’ve made things worse for myself at work. The interview was a try out working with very young children and I know I didn’t come across well, I’m so tired. So that won’t work, in too old anyway. And I rang in such and the woman I work for obviously doesn’t believe me. So I feel I’ve got no choice but to hand my notice in, and try to find something temporary.
Thank you Serenity. I think I have got a kind of intelligence but it hasn’t helped me today. Nor does it seem to help in finding a job.
Sorry to be negative but got nowhere else to go with this right now
Eve

[Eve1]

Rang in sick, not such.

Just got home, going to ring a temp agency. Why am I so stupid?
Eve

[Lollypop Lou]

Hi Eve1,

You are clearly not stupid. You have recognised that you are not ok with your current situation and have taken steps to chane it! The very definition if stupidity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. You have come a very long way by the sounds of it- there are many positives! Best of luck with your job interview x

[Eve1]

Thank you I appreciate that. I have come a long way and I know I’ve got and have had a lot of determination, but now if very difficult especially financially.
I’m dreading going in tomorrow to work. I’ve been keeping my head down and just more or lead saying yes, no, three bags full but now she’s got something to really have a go at me about. I have that horrible feeling at work I had with my ex husband, of being more or less constantly on edge and walking on eggshells, and like I have to push something of myself down all the time, and this tells me that something’s not right. The job I went for today though wouldn’t be right either.I’d so hoped it was a way out. If she’s really angry or gives me the silent treatment I’m going to struggle to not just hand in my notice. I’ve even written one out to take with me.
Serenity you are right about not wanting to be a target any of and I do give myself credit for realising I need to get out of there. Just wanted it to be smoother than it is being.
I will probably be back here tomorrow. It makes me feel better to know I can do that.
Love to all you ladies
Eve
x

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