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The trauma bond after so many years is so strong. Still now after months being out I miss him. I miss the good days when he was well. I see now the cycle of breakdowns he’s had & although I know mental illness doesn’t cause abusive behaviour I know it does because I know him when he’s well, because at every other time he’s been a loving & devoted partner, jealous tendencies but I loved him nonetheless. I’m not sure I’ll ever move on from him, be with anyone else & certainly not interested at this point. I married him for life & feel like I won’t want anyone else. Has anyone experienced this? I feel like I’ve lost my Bf & soul mate x
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I do know how you feel. I am not long out of the relationship. I am starting to feel this enormous sadness! The good times flood me at some points of the day.
The best way that I deal with this, is by focusing on my peace. I can start to feel peace. I never have to worry about what mood he will be in. Will this be a good day? A bad day? When I was with him, I was programmed to think about his feelings first. I never had time to look after myself but now I can start to self care and I know there are better days ahead. If I stayed with him things would never get better. The cycle would continue. I’d always worry when would be the next time.
Stay strong and remember we all know and care about your feelings xx -
Perhaps thinking of the good times not as ‘he was well’ but that those times were the facade – the means to an end to get you under his control. The horrible times were the real him when his mask slipped.
It’s ok to miss the good times, to wish the relationship could’ve been the dream, but sadly you projected what you wanted as a partner, he copied that info to hook you in, he isn’t the person you miss. Hard I know. X
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I feel exactly the same as this, completely. I have been out a decent amount of time, and have recently started “forgetting” him and the situation when I’m busy in the day, not thinking of him every time I look at our child. the distance and no contact has helped, but whenever I “remember” him and what’s going/what’s gone on it gets me and I remember when he listened, made me feel safe, cared for, understood, how happy I was I felt like I was going to pop. It all comes flooding back and I miss him so much and think I have thrown away so much happiness and I’ll never have a BF like that ever again. I feel like because he is mentally unwell that I am not supporting him that if I just went back with him and supported him again maybe this time he could we well and we could be happy. For better or for worse I vowed and I meant it.
The reality though is that you can’t have him without the abuse, the cycle will continue and you will suffer because of it. Giving so much if yourself in the hope that he will grow but he doesn’t and you die in the process, giving so much of yourself away. He didn’t keep to his vows – You do not need to stay with a man who does not love, honour and cherish you. There are many people who have mental illnesses but don’t abuse their partners. His mental illnesses can make abusive behaviour worse, but it is not the thing that is causing him to abuse you. For me my ex enjoys being unwell I think, he likes the sympathy and it means he doesn’t have to take responsibility for anything. I have found it helpful to Try to write down some of the things he did/said to help you relive how you felt then, sometimes with distance we forget how horrible it was and focus only on the good. For me I remember a fantasy, I find it so hard to accept but the man I thought I married doesn’t exist. I am so sorry you are feeling like this, Grief takes time and your feelings have to run their course and tire themselves out. Sending you much strength xx
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Thank you so much for sharing your perspective on this, it’s so helpful to hear & really gives me insight to consider what’s real & what’s in my rose tinted vision of the past. Intrinsically I look for the good, that’s a positive but in denying the true impact of the underlying behaviour I lie to myself. I know this, yet I continue to believe my narrative. I relisten to recordings to hear the abuse & remind myself but decades in a relationship is hard to deal with.I feel now that he’s ‘out of’ this episode that if I’d have hung in things could’ve been ok, yet I know I’d always be waiting on the next time it happens whether it’s months or years later I’d be modifying my life to make it acceptable & non confrontational. Ultimately I know I’ve made the right choice, we have one life to live & I intend on making the best of it x
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I actually think from speaking to friends that I’ve a lot to unpick from being a child in terms of acceptance. I know I need to work on this before I can move on. Insight is a wonderful thing, the difficult questions help us explore why we feel the way we do & unless we address these we’ll be forever stuck! Thanks to everyone who has read & commented, always here if anyone wishes to DM xx
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I know this feeling I miss my ex and I am quite frightened of the power he has had over me, literally decades of trauma bonding so much it’s almost like Stockholm syndrome but also there were many many good times, he makes me laugh like no one else. As I try to explain to people he was never always a d**k and sometimes he was great otherwise I wouldn’t have staid so long or gone back so many times ( this is attempt number (removed by moderator), and the last because I am done ) He has said he is never going to let me go , which is a bit creepy and actually one of the times I called the police and they took me out of the house for my safety they said .. you do realise he will kill you one day.. and yet I returned.
(Removed by moderator) I have to go back into his radar, I have had months away now but even tho I am strong I am still super anxious as I do need to get some of my clothes and personal items from the house.
Tonight I am willing this all to be over, I feel like I have lost everything, my home, my life as I knew it, my business and of course him ( the nice one ) and I feel so sad lonely and miserable. I have no idea what my future holds I think I don’t have the will or the energy to keep doing this.
Friends and family tell me how amazing I am and how great I am and how far I have come .. yeah right I’m heart broken in a way no one can ever understand and the person who can mend me is ultimately the person who has absolutely broken me. I am so completely ambivalent I hate him and love him and at the moment I maybe like myself more.
So when I see him in the next couple of weeks, he will of course be charming or agressive . I don’t actually want to see him and I am going to try and arrange this but it’s a small town and word will get round that I’m back.
Sorry what a ramble .. I just needed to put this somewhere, I’m so lonely and saying that to my family and friends who have been so kind would be hard because they don’t get it. X -
Hiya@ I get you 100%, it’s such a torn way to feel, I too was told by police that I needed to leave or it’d only end one way & I returned because as you described they’re the one who gets you most, the one you laugh the most with who gets you completely, it’s so hard to see how they can turn so nastily. The Heartbreak hits you at times when you’re least expecting it along with the loneliness. I think we need to feel it, to make progress in healing, but when you’re in it, the effort to function is too much. I’ve spent the day in bed, emotionally drained. My body obviously needs it & I don’t feel guilty for doing it.
You haven’t lost everything though, you’ve got you & you’re the most important person in your life. We’re all here to hold you up & pull you through xx -
Twix, thank you. Some days are just harder than others. I do wonder if the days that are difficult are the ones I am actually dealing with letting go? It’s been a long time coming and he actually doesn’t have anything I need or want anymore.
I have spent day keeping busy , doing good things that I want to do, I actually met my favourite artist today which was amazing. I often want to stay in bed and face the wall , and if you have spent the day in bed good for you, it’s what you need.
The situation I am in is because I have left a dangerous abusive man, and that’s the truth. Healing obviously is going to take some time because that has been my reality.
Thank you so much for your kind words and support, to everyone who contributes to these posts, reads comments and shares experiences, it really is keeping me going and I am so very grateful because I have been dealing with this for so long and this is keeping me safe by having somewhere to express myself. Xx -
I love these posts. I separated from my husband for the third time (detail removed by Moderator) ago and ended up getting back together with him as the pain of being apart from him was so bad. And as time went on those rose tinted glasses were on and I forgot about all the bad things. He also had a mental health breakdown and I had pressure from his family to ‘look after him’. But now things are not great again and I need to understand how my feelings helped to sabotage things before. I didn’t understand about the process of grieving for that relationship that we have to go through. I couldn’t handle the really sad down days where I missed him and didn’t understand that I needed to work through this process. It’s so tough but part of me envy’s you guys for making that move to leave.
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Hi Sungirl,
I am out of the relationship permanently this time because that’s the way it has to be for me now. My ex is very damaged and I can’t fix him. Of course I still miss the best bits of him and us, but only by leaving and keeping myself separated from him is helping me heal. He is an adult and I am not responsible for his behaviour or his feelings, he may have problems but ultimately he made the choice to behave the way he did and actually I deserve better. That’s not to say I don’t have part of me that still loves him but that could just be the trauma bond. You will have sad days, I still have sad days and miss you nights but time does help. Use the forums, do some reading, keep a journal and stay strong. You will always find someone to listen here. Xx
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