woke up this morning and

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I woke up this morning and thought the way i feel with wanting to go back home is a way for me to say wipe the slate clean,start fresh again, and forget the abuse even happened.

Wanting to go back, feeling obsessively drawn to go back, is it my head blanking all that went on, pretending it never happened?

I feel shame, enormous shame. Ashamed of who I am, what happened, my cowardice, my lack of direction, of messing people around, of my indecisiveness, my faults, my identity, my childhood memories, the stupid time it takes to sort nothing in the end, the mixed messages I send to my kids, I’m gone, I’m not, I’m coming back, I’m not…

I don’t feel in charge of my destiny. I feel I don’t have the courage to live without him. I am too drawn by the life I had, it was easier, no decision to make, I feel lost.

My dad made me think I will always need to depend on my husband. He always puts the blame on me, makes me feel I am stupid.

I feel alone in coping with the rubbish in my head. I don’t allow myself to think I think right, I doubt myself too much.

So going back is easier, It’s safety from overthinking, from responsibilities in life, from losing my family and everything we have, It’s just easier.

Another morning feeling lost. I sound nuts, boring, lost and totally unclear. Get a blooming grip of yourself!!!!!

Huge sense of shame.
I am off to work. Work makes me feel in control. At least that works well in my life. It stops me thinking. I am even ashamed of what I write here, It’s stupid.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Dont feel ahamed of how you are feeling, u are just trying to understand process it all,, i think u know what u expreinced was abuse , our body becomes numb to the abuse and we go into denial a lot ,as its easier to deal with the pain. u are at the stage where u are adjusting to your new lifestyle, u can now make your own decisions, which yes a lot of people may not like your decisions but they are yours to make and for people to accept. I think this is quite hard getting people to understand our choices but again it should just be a respect thing, we dont question others why they make a decision so why should they do to us.

Also we start questioning ourselves when they are being nice , that may be it wasnt that bad, we make a million answers/excuses why we would be better of with them, we forget all the pain they put us through, again this couldl be trauma bonding, u have to remember they become like a drug for us, we have to wean our selves of them as they are toxic for us. maybe u should read your previous posts on here when u was still with him and read how he made u feel, i know the financial side is a lot of stress for a lot of us ladies on here, but this is why a lot of us ladies stay with abusers and they take advantage. this kindness will soon change when u refuse to go back, infact even now he is playing the game, u are thinking what he wants u to think thats his not that bad

[starchild]

Sending Hugs

I empathise with you on this one…. my father treated me as if I was a bad daughter, wife and mother.
twice I started to ask for help to leave my ex, and he told me to stop being difficult and go back and be a good wife.

finally my step brother saw me in a state, I told him what was happening and what dad had said before…he spoke to my step mum , who it seemed had seen what had been going on for a while, and even said a couple of things to me, and spoke to my father.

Its only 6 yrs later that my dad has finally got the real picture of what had been going on and that has now stated he was in weekly conversations with my ex through out our marriage and believed every word he said.
and even now he still talks to me and states things like your a drama queen …no coping skills ..etc… I aloud this to happen to me
why didn’t I say earlier …( I did on 3 occasions and was told on one not to ruin Christmas)

Be strong…and sometimes remember that how we may have been socialized may be some of what lies behind how we manage our lives…. that does not make us be at fault but may make us more vulnerable to certain behaviours from others

take care x

[KIP.]

Hey Bridget, don’t do it. I know the mental strain you are suffering. And you think it would be easier to return and the mental torture will end. When actually you are swapping a temporary mental torture for a permanent one if you go back. Hang in there, concentrate on divorce and financial settlement, it may even be that he has to sign the house over to you if he has assets like pensions etc. In the cold light of day, nothing will have changed when you return and your punishment will be worse than ever x keep going……

[Serenity]

Hi B,

I think KIP has touched on an important point.

He may appear ok now and it might seem that you could go back and continue like nothing has happened. But as KIP has said, there’s always punishment involved with an abuser.

You need to consider the possibility that he’s gas-lighting you right now a making it seem like he would be ok with you coming back etc- but once you’ve surrendered your power and returned, and he sees you as submissive to he situation, he might very well try to punish you in different ways for your rebellion in leaving him.

Don’t beat yourself up about wavering, stalling, getting upset, not being the perfect parent etc: you did what you could under extreme circumstances. We can only do our best.

It would be easy to go back for a number of reasons, but unfortunately, we can’t bat off abuse forever. We either need to rise up or we become ill by stuffing down our real feelings.

I think as long as we are living authentically- according to what we truly feel is the truth- we will eventually be ok.

My counsellor pointed out that hoping and wishing our abuser or the situation would change is a type of control, because we can’t do the changing, they must. Sometimes, however painful, we need to let go and let be. Returning might make him think that his previous behaviours were not that bad and were acceptable, especially since he’s not genuinely apologised or taken responsibility. He might think it’s ok to continue in those behaviours.

As a friend said to me: my ex would need a total personality transplant for it to work between us, however much it hurts to let go of the nuclear family unit.

[Nova]

Hi BJiF …try to give yourself space…don’t give in to your feelings of doubt…you will get there, little steps sometimes needed. No need to be hard on yourself. I agree with the ladies in that…in reality your achieving nothing but more heartache if you’re u go back…it’s not easier for you in the long run, I see why you would choose to go back and as I did, it will end in tears…it just doesn’t change, sadly.

Your moving forward Briget keep going in this direction for yourself your sanity your kids and your future life.

Hugs C x

[lilaclady]

I completely empathise with how you are feeling. I felt the same today too… I have been separated about (detail removed by Moderator) and get the same feelings. What you write here is not stupid, not one bit. We are all here for you and keep writing I find it helps me so much going through all this. Work for me too helps so much, helps make me think of other things than my situation, something else I can focus on. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier to go back (especially when he is pressuring me to get things back on track between us which I know in my heart of hearts won’t happen until he faces up to his behaviour. As you say Serenity the change won’t happen because he has to do the changing), I am struggling with thinking about things being really over and not just separating, giving up on the family unit, the dreams I had, being without a partner. Thoughts when he is being ok, that was it really that bad? Was I mad to leave and split our family up. Am I oversensitive? My ex still blames it on me (even though he has had moments where he has faced up to things) resents me a huge amount for moving out.

Try and stay strong, believe in YOUR truth and how YOU feel. It is so easy to doubt yourself I have done it a million times. Keep posting here if you need help. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Here for you and sending you a big hug. If you need a chat message me x*x

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