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I find today that I am angry and anxious about all the women out there who are trapped with abusive men in their homes. There has not been a single mention at political level of any extra resources being made available to help women. But there is widespread acknowledgement that violence in homes will increase. Even the police admit this. What os being done? Nothing. Just the same raggle toggle patchwork of barely- there help from the police and the stoic charities that still have to struggle on, underfunded and under increasing pressure.I read in pnewspapers of official views that ‘violence between couples will increase’ or ‘the extra stress of being at home will increase hostility’. There are very few official/professional responses from people in power stating that it is in the nature of these men to take advantage fo vulnerability and to exercise extreme control through emotional, financial and physical abuse.That we women are now at increased risk. That deaths to women from DV soared in China and Korea during their lock downs. I did see a statement from a solicitor expressing this view, a small voice in the wilderness.All I can say to anyone struggling now, is do not assume that law and order have gone. You still have rights and violence and harm to women are offences. Keep ringing the police, women aid, any charity who can help you.Be aware of the heightened risks and put yourself first.
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I’m noticing there is quite a bit of lobbying atm for this, a call for extra government funding for refuges and a new kind of lawful order, to free police time, as at present it looks like they can remove him for 28 days without an order? Which is news to me as I’ve never heard this happen to anyone on here? There is def a lot of campaigning atm, I listened to womens hour the other night and they were discussing it; The Independant has run a story with the key / on point issues. Don’t think it’s quite here yet but people are out there fighting for the cause. Write to your MPs and the newspapers x
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I’m in this position and honestly have no idea what to do. Just when you thought things couldn’t get worse. It’s an impossible situation. With kids there are no options, I’m not going to take them into emergency accommodation am I, sharing bathroom and kitchen with other people. I have had to balance the risk and take the decision to try and manage it. Its been less than a week and the casualness of the abuse in front of the kids is making me feel physically sick. It’s verbal/emotional/psychological, he’s more angry than normal. Its taking every bit of strength I have to survive this, for my kids, for me. There are no real options. It is like waking up from a bad nightmare and realising you are in hell.
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Make sure you have a panic room. I had a bedroom and door wedges so if I was in real danger I knew I could block him out. Keep your phone on you at all times fully charged. It was always in a car or while on holiday that he was dreadful. That feeling of having us trapped makes them feel invincible. I definitely ring 999 the minute he threatens you. Try to gather evidence too for a non mol. Keeping a secret diary. Telling neighbours/friends anyone you can confide in. Have a telephone consultation with your GP who can write a supporting letter. Be prepared so you can get him out when the time comes, which it will. It’s child abuse to abuse you in front of your child.
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He’s not physically abusive and wont the police just make it worse because they’ll just caution him then he’ll come back and be even worse? What can the NSPCC do by the way? I haven’t heard that suggested before. I have an IDVA but shes workign from home and said she can only send texts for support.
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He doesn’t “just” have to be physically violent. I have made a very long police statement a few weeks ago detailing coercive control and emotional abuse, and cruelty. I was able to show the impact on me by giving details of depression and treatment. You have to notify the police. If You wish to take it further in the future..if you remain with him…(and it will get worse, it always does) then this will be used as supporting evidence…I.e reporting it. There is an aspect of abuse of your children by him, he is using them to hurt you, this is highly abusive and a big risk factor. Your case sounds very familiar to mine. The law is there, use it. You have the right. When I went through this before 2015 it was nearly impossible to prove psychological abuse, then law on coercive control came in. You do not have to put up with this. Please protect yourself and seek help.
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Thank you. I feel so lost with it because the solicitors Ive spoken to have said that it will be very hard to prove. And then one, a woman, said that she thought the warning letter route was the way forward, but that would mean leaving the home, and waiting for him to respond. I have nowhere to go. Even less options with this situation with corona. Do you think theres more and better help via the NSPCC and the police than the IDVA who works for the domestic abuse agency? I hadn’t thought of contacting the NSPCC. If I call the police and log it will they come round? Hes on a real roll today, but some friends walked past earlier and he was sweetness and light to them – really scary behaviour. Then changed back when they’d gone. I dont think the police will believe me. The things he says and does are all so petty. Like he’s ranting away now because I asked if he could let me know when he’s going to cook, Id cooked and he then started making something (this is unheard of, never happens) he went s****o, told me I was controlling, when I was just trying to feed kids. He said I was abusing him.
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Yes it can be hard to prove, thats why if you klet the NSPCC in to support your children, they will uncover how it is effecting them and what is going on here; become your support and your evidence in witness statements.
It’s not that there is better support out there – it’s more that you need support from a number of places.
Domestic abuse = IDVA / child abuse = NSPCC or childrens services, I would opt for NSPCC first, childrens services can feel more scary, as they dont always get it right, sometimes take the view that if he’s not sexually or physically abusing them there’s no problem, it’s mum’s anxiety that’s the problem here, not always but sometimes, whereas this is not the case with the NSPCC, they take the view that any form of abuse is dreadful and requires intervention – needs to stop.
No you can call 101 and say you are asking for ‘advice only’, you do not want a visit, this will make things worse for now, just wondering what if any help is available, what could they do to help; what is the law here x
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I think you should try and record him, it’s all evidence. I spend every day deeply regretting that I did not speak out to the police when my kids were growing up. I allowed him to scare me into submission. Is your home jointly owned? At the very least write down what he says, who was present(I.e the kids, you) and how it made you feel. You can contact DVassist, a charity which can help women apply for a non mol if you have no money. You need to qualify for legal aid. If you don’t qualify they can tell you how to apply for a non mol yourself. It’s apparently quite straightforward. I don’t know what others on here think, but a I found I needed a network of people to help me. There is no one answer, especially if it’s this form of abuse. (I.e not physically violent). Bear in mind that he knows EXACTLY what he is doing and has probably put a lot of thought into it. How would you feel if he did this to a sister or friend? Calculated abuse? You must keep your emotions and feelings in this reality. He is damaging you. Using this crisis to abuse you and exercise control over you and your children through abuse. It’s hard work but you need to get your GP to record it, have mental support, get a police record, and so on. As you go to each professional tell them that you have told the GP or who ever and what their response is. This adds weight to your plea for help. You can do this. If you cannot get to the surgery due this virus, send a letter or email and insist on a response and that your plight is logged on your records. There are systems in place, they cost a lot of money to the tax payer, and you can use them, now, today. It’s as easy as coming to this forum!
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