Worried about effect on our kids

[marmite3]

I have started divorce proceedings after several years of very poisonous, nasty emotional abuse by my husband. He has called me the most horrendous names,screaming at me as loud as possible in front of the kids. I have tried to persuade him to seek help but instead, he has made a long list of all of my behaviours that he hates. He says I have always thought too much of myself, I’m too opinionated, too critical, I don’t listen to him, I don’t value him, I’m not on his side and so on. He tells me that he doesn’t like me, and to be free of me would be a relief as I am so nasty to him, and he has started telling family members that he is the victim, and I am bullying and they mustn’t talk to me because I will prejudice them against him! Aside from the sadness and injustice I feel that he can tell people such lies and my amazement that he can twist it to make himself the victim, my worry is our kids. They have heard all of his belittling names to me, and I feel we would be more peaceful if we divorce and go our separate ways. But I worry that kids supposedly ‘need’ two parents, and thrive more in a house with a mum and dad. But living in an abusive household can’t be a good thing for them either. I feel guilty at removing the kids from their father, but as he doesn’t acknowledge what his behaviour has done to me, continuing to share a house with all his venom feels impossible. How has everyone else’s kids coped after the break-up?

[Bananaboat]

I didn’t really appreciate just how big of an impact his behaviour was having on my kids. After leaving they changed, they laughed again, they relaxed. They go on a recovery journey just like we do after you leave. But whilst you’re still living in abuse they pick up the tension in the air, they hear the shouting & name calling even though we try to shield them, he might be using them in some way causing confusing messages. After leaving not only have my kids got a happier mum, they’re also free from that anxiety cloud we live under. Don’t stay for their sake, leave for it xx

[marmite3]

Thanks for the positive reply, Bananaboat. It is good to know your kids think you did the right thing. I need to put away my guilt that it will hurt the kids, and make the break to make all our lives better. x

[Eyesopening]

I grew up with an abusive Dad. My Mum never left.
The scars never leave me as an adult, my childhood was a sad lonely one, my Mum could not be there for me like she should. My teenage years were rebeliuous, I was never at home, anything I could do to get out the house, I would, be on the streets or be with dangerous men, I cannot believe I survived those years. I calmed down the drink and drugs as I got older only becuase I had a heart issue, but I ended up with terrible self worth, in an abusive relationship, lonely and lost. With a year of therapy undergone, I still need so much work. My sister is older then me and has terrible health and PTSD from our Dad.
I think my Dad also touched me sexually as a child, but no one knows this.
If you do the Freedom program, they go through this really well.

So with that, I would say to all women, to leave as soon as possible, at primary school I was already damaged, I couldnt speak and was scared of everyone, I had 0 friends, the longer you stay the more damage to you and your children will have. I really wish I could get self worth and stand up for myself. It actually feels impossible right now. I think me and my sister will miss out on having a family becuase we are so damaged. My brother apparently can be like my dad with his new partner. Be abused or be an abuser seems the end result for kids growing up in these homes.

So to me, you should never ever feel guilty to leave an abusive relationship. As you may be able to tell, I do have some anger around this(we just did it in Freedom so its raw). I think the greatest gift you can give children is to give them a safe home and make sure they don’t witness abuse. It may not be directed to them, but you do not know what he does when you are not there. I had two abortions with my abusive ex becuase I know I could not bring children into this. It’s better not to live then live this life I had.

Well done for standing up for you and your kids and leaving an abuser. I know how hard it is.

xx

[StrongLife]

I am constantly worried. Don’t know what lies he has told them. I saw court paperwork full of lies. It’s bad.

It’s harmed my relationship with them but likely it will all work out in time – of which it has been.

They are now older and out as much as they can be of his control.

[Author]

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