Worried, fearful and guilty after ending the relationship

[Cortado]

My boyfriend disappeared for (detail removed by Moderator) months with hardly any communication. Got the occasional message to say he loved and missed me. This has happened before and he just returned as if nothing had happened. This time he has been gone for (detail removed by Moderator) months. I know he is leading a double life and blamed me for being paranoid and causing arguments. He never wanted to plan anything and was always on his phone, After days of waiting and the hurt I was feeling I sent him a message to end it. Its not how I would have liked to do it but I have no idea where he is. I asked him not to contact me unless it was about the money he owed me. He replied with a very threatening voice note, very angry and told me to “do one”
He then went quiet and then I recieved another message saying that I should stop abusing him and that he had been ill and on the verge of suicide. I want to message him to say sorry that he had been unwell. I feel so guilty because i am not the kind of person that would want to hurt anyones feeling. What should I do?

[Lisa]

Hi Cortado,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. This sounds really distressing- you are not that kind of person and this isn’t your guilt to carry. Abusive men will often make threats around harming themselves, around suicide- its a tool of control and he wants you to feel responsible for him. You have described someone who disappears on you for months, which must leave you feeling confused and hurt. rather than recognising the impact of this on you- he has twisted it around and made you feel like you are in the wrong.

You deserve to be treated with love and respect- it is not acceptable for a partner to withhold communication from you in this way and respond to you in this way- you have every right to feel hurt by this and to not want to be in a relationship that is making you unhappy.

You have done the right thing by putting yourself first here.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[silversapphire]

@Cortado

Your ex is resorting to angry messages, suicide threats, gaslighting and emotional blackmail trying to maintain his sense of control over you.
He does not want you to end all contact with him and move forward with your life, so he will say whatever it takes trying to bully or manipulate you into doing whatever he wants.

Focus on your own ambitions and work towards building a happy life, where you have only have contact with the pleasant people from your past who bring their positivity with them.
No time to waste on past negativity or the people who owe you money and only contact you trying to bully with lies about them being the abused one so they try to avoid having to pay your money back.

Good luck!

[Cortado]

Hi Lisa

Thank you. I have never experienced anything like this before or treated in this way. I didn’t even know what gas lighting was until the other day! I am hurt and confused by it all and still feel guilty but everyday it gets a little easier. Surrounding myself with good people that I trust has helped so much. Also keeping busy and planning things has stopped me having long bouts of loneliness. You are so right, he is a bully.

[Cortado]

@silversapphire

Thank you. I have never experienced anything like this before or treated in this way. I didn’t even know what gas lighting was until the other day! I am hurt and confused by it all and still feel guilty but everyday it gets a little easier. Surrounding myself with good people that I trust has helped so much. Also keeping busy and planning things has stopped me having long bouts of loneliness. You are so right, he is a bully.

[Author]

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