Years later, how can I avoid running into him?

[Wheatear]

New here, would love to hear from others re- my specific dilemma: I have had zero contact with the abuser in over (detail removed by moderator) I moved thousands of miles away with our child who is now an adult. But later this summer, I am visiting the small town where the abuser still lives with his equally abusive family. I do have support in that I will have my new partner with me and connections with friends that still live there. BUT I am feeling extreme stress and anxiety about possibly running into him so many years later! Last time I visited there (detail removed by moderator) I know it’s irrational on my part because I know he always wanted zero contact with me and would not know how to react either if he saw me. I believe that I have lingering PTSD from the abuse he inflicted on me. Trying to determine what to do, how to react, to say something, to not say something, etc. if I run into him, is driving me crazy even though I have not been in the relationshio for more than (detail removed by moderator). It was a traumatic relationship for me in which he (and his family) inflicted huge psychological and emotional abuse on me and my our child. He and one of his relatives were physically abusive on 1 or 2 occsions but the emotional abuse impacted me way worse, even though my relationship with him was brief and we never lived together. To make a long story short, he dumped me when I was pregnant with our child (detail removed by moderator) I moved a long distance away, raised our child alone with zero involvement from him or his family. I established a career, and eventually entered a new relationship with a great guy. So how do I avoid running into him but still have the freedom to explore my old small town, connect with my old friends, etc.? What should I say or do if I did run into him? I never really got closure as there was never an opportunity to tell him off for the way he treated me snd our child. The abandonment has never stopped hurting due to his complete ignorance and lack of responsibility. I guess I still have anger years later too. Yes, I have gone through counselling for anxiety and the very difficult financial and rmotional situation he left me in all those years ago.

[Lisa]

Hi Wheatear,

Thank you for your post. I can understand the thought of this is daunting for you. You are not obligated to give him anymore of yourself if you do run into him- you may not get the response you want if you did decide to confront him about his behaviour. Abusive men often feel entitled to behave this way and often don’t take responsbility for the impact of their actions.

You have a right to explore your old town and connect with friends. As you mentioned you started again, estabished a career and in a much better place now.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Author]

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