** years of hurt and I’ve walked away

[Bushbaby]

I never thought I would end up in a relationship where there were more unhappy days than happy and still chose to stay. The good days were amazing and I guess I was holding on to those days. Now I see the good days were his way of manipulating me into staying. The bad days involved a variety of the following: throwing my clothes he didn’t like in the bin, but buying me new ones which made me agree to it. Insisting I wear a skirt all the time and if I didn’t he would call me frumpy and with hold affection, leggings in winter were “disgusting”, so I was cold. He insisted I be (detail removed by Moderator) and it ruined my hair to the point I had to (detail removed by Moderator), he was upset I didn’t talk to him about it first. I couldn’t buy myself anything without his agreement if I did he would say he won’t stand next to me if I wore it. He constantly belittled my work, saying things like nobody cares what you do and do people even know who you are. If i talked about work he would say “we agreed we wouldn’t talk about that again”. He called me fat constantly but would sabotage all my efforts to lose weight, insisting we have take aways getting upset if i didn’t want what he wanted, he would not let me go exercise without him, so I struggled with weight loss. He degraded my son constantly calling him names, making me feel like I had to chose between them. My son was never therefore invited to join us on any activities but my daughter was, this made me feel terrible. He always made out like I was not grateful for things he paided for or did, and made a huge scene once when I asked to (detail removed by Moderator) while travelling on holiday, because I did not thank him for (detail removed by Moderator). This is while actively having a go at me for inconveniencing him. I felt so small and trapped. Everything we did was his terms, if i said lets do something he would say F-that. If i had a problem with anything he did he would give me the silent treatment. He would never respond to my texts and would leave me on read for hours, but i could see he was online that whole time, so just not bothered to reply to me. He would praise me for not being the type of woman who nags for (detail removed by Moderator) etc, so it got messed up in my head, the reward of praise for accepting a lack of common decency. He threatened to throw my daughters dinner in the bin once because he felt she was ungrateful (she is only little). I did everything for him, running around making dinner, washing dishes, his garden, fetching him drinks all the time, like i was his servant. We talked about living together at one point but when it came to talking seriously about it he laughed at me. If we would walk past a woman he found unattractive he would say things like “I could never be with that, its disgusting”, i would be left thinking it was so critical and negative and and the same time why is he thinking about being with other women. It really knocked my confidence and self worth. I found out he was on a dating site and confronted him about it. He flat out denied it and stonewalled me. I found myself very upset he wouldn’t talk to me and ended up apologising to him for accusing him of things and thinking I have trust issues. He convinced me I have trust issues and that was my problem I need to sort out in my head. I discovered that during the early course of our relationship that he had actually been (detail removed by Moderator) and seeing me on the side. This was why he was always whisking me away on holidays etc. (detail removed by Moderator) so the various hotel across the country didn’t seem odd at the time. As our relationship developed i believe he (detail removed by Moderator) and at that point I was allowed to go to his house (I didn’t realise this at the time, it came to light recently). I discovered he was on a dating site (detail removed by Moderator) but couldn’t bring myself to break up with him. It was too hard. I kept on thinking i don’t want to be alone i will miss him too much, and just one more night together, one more cuddle, one more hug. That then turned into months and i thought i was loving him more for just accepting him for who he is. I always thought of myself as strong as independent and I wouldn’t put up with this type of treatment but have read about trauma bonds and I guess it was that. When I discovered he was on a dating site for (detail removed by Moderator) ((detail removed by Moderator) after I bought him an extremely extravagant, non refundable gift for his birthday). I broke up with him over a text like a coward because I knew I couldn’t do it face to face. He would just lie and turn my head around anyway and I would end up forgiving him again. He has refused to see me or speak to me when I went to get my things from his house. He locked himself in and dumped my stuff out in the street. Refusing to speak to me or see me. I journal alot and read through my journal of the last (detail removed by Moderator) years last night, and it was an eye opening read in retrospect I had forgotten so much and didn’t realise how anxious and unhappy I was all the time. The journal has helped me see the bad bits over the good. As crazy as this is I have still tried to contact him to talk things out, I know I need to just cut him out and walk away but it is so hard. Anyway, I hoped joining this community would help me move on and not go back. And learn not to end up in a similar situation again. I am a giver so I can see how easy it would be to fall into this trap again.

[Bananaboat]

Welcome and well done. So many parts of your post hit home as I had the same. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions after leaving but this is a lovely supportive group x

[Dino]

Hi Bushbaby,

Welcome to the site, I was so happy to read you have left that abusive man, I do hope youve managed to stay away from him if not for your own sake then for your kids, he sounds so controlling & will only end up destroying your life.

Thank goodness you still had your own place which made it easier for you, I know you miss the good times, but they dont last & are all an act to suck you back in, have you read ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft, you can download & it for free on Google, it was an eye opener for me,

I’m still working on a freedom plan, so be wary they are so charming and can convince us they can change, I’ve been sucked back in many times, he hasn’t changed, they cant/won’t.

Stay safe & strong for yourself & your kids, you all deserve so much better ❤️ Dino

[Hiya@]

Hi Bushbaby,
Well done and welcome, oh so many of us with very similar stories to tell. You are at the start of your journey, it’s not easy but everything is possible. I am free for a few months now.
Ok what helps? Block or restrict contact it’s really not worth engaging they don’t have anything to say that you haven’t heard before.
Read the books, YouTube has loads on there about relationships, I found the information on trauma bonding very helpful.
Great that you journal, I do too.. gets all those feelings out and use the forums I have always found such kindness and empathy on here.
There is a waiting list for any counselling so if it’s useful for you get yourself on a waiting list.
You definitely will have good days and not so good days, but you are free of him so enjoy.

Stay Strong x*x

[Author]

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