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I try not to write too much but I always end up coming back and emptying my head week after week. Last few weeks he has been calm quiet no blow ups no big moans just the usual gripes about me working. But then he starts again and they get louder nastier more intense and i feel like a worthless human. I stop taking my meds for anxiety and a long term health condition I again stop eating which is a huge issue for me and i stop trying I just give up again and again and again.
Im doing it now.
Today hit me hard. He suggeated we go and (removed by moderator) I was so excited was about to book a hotel when he said no, actually dont bother (removed by moderator). I am gutted i tell him this is cruel and horrible he laughs and said im working anyway i told you that yesterday. He didnt he mentioned it but only as an argument (removed by moderator)!!
I spent all day upset thinking is this cruel? Or is this normal behaviour in a marriage I just dont know any different. I had an appointmwnt with my counsellor who said no its not normal that what he did was mean and gaslighting but im so badly conditioned I cant see it.
I immediatly doubt myself and my memories. Im so worn down with pain fear lack of food im too tired to fight. So whats next?
Im gonna get ill and then I will be needing him more I will have to give up work to stay at home where he wants me by giving up by hurting myself I am playing right into his hands he is winning and I am losing my life.
I dont want that.
Now I read all the posts on here and i see so many of us struggling wanting to give up or go back and it breaks my heart We cant give up we cant go back because they will win and as hard as this is day in day out having to fight to work or to have a coffee with a friend or say no to sex we have to keep pushing we have to keep fighting for ourselves we cant give up.
I have no idea how or where I go from here today Im so broken but all I know is that I have to push foward I have no other choice I wont let him win and if thats what drives me then im gonna use that. Sending much love n hugs ladies stay safe xxxxxx -
its so difficult hearing someones distress & confusion, hearing how badly someone is being worn down – especially to the degree you are. i dont know whether you have others you can reach out to, but you know the forum is full of those with empathy, kindness & any support you need. something you said made me realize what made me find the strength to keep going & hoped you didnt mind me sharing a reality.
the abuse made me very poorly both mentally & physically. and because of this, as you have mentioned it then made me totally dependent upon him. being in such a powerful position & in complete control, he was able to actually gloat. it was witnessing such callousness & cruelty that forced me to somehow dig deep & begin to find the strength & courage to put a stop to it. i dont know how i managed to do this being as unwell, weak & vulnerable as i was – but i did. i just couldnt allow someone to continue treating me like i was trash.
i know this might not help at all, but wanted you to know that i understood what you were going through & all your fears. keep going & stay as strong as you can. thinking of you x -
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Whilst I understand the need to moderate posts part of this one has been removed and it now doesnt make sense so am gonna try and re word that part. Im so upset as he promised we could visit someone i love very much with my whole heart and he should too and because (detail removed by Moderator) and sex isnt on the cards for him he said it wasnt worth wasting money on a hotel. I wanted to add he has just said that we will see how things are and maybe go soon!!!
Sex rules his life and mine.
Im just trying to forget it carry on as normal but Im so utterly broken. Xx -
i am so sorry nbumblebee for not understanding your post. i suppose i was giving you an honest example of you being exactly right when you were concerned about becoming ill, & then being completely dependent upon them (more towards the end of your post). sorry. hope you start feeling stronger soon x
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Hi
Being all over the place is part of it. I used to hear myself saying ” just tell me what to do then” because I couldn’t think for myself or just wanted whatever to end. I still react like that when I get anxious.
Do you have anyway of seeing this person by yourself?
I suspect that could make him angry but sadly that is what happens when you show some kind of control. I know how hard that would be. I did it myself just went somewhere he had banned. (detail removed by Moderator). I did it once fir (detail removed by Moderator) hours! An (detail removed by Moderator). But when I did it despite his anger it was the start for me. But I really don’t know how safe that is for you or if you can afford it. There are so many different barriers for each individual.
I really hear and worry about what you said about sex. I spent my last years of marriage trying to work out how long I could make it without having to do it. I felt so manipulative with all my excuses It was so hard for me to come to terms with. He used my issues there to make me feel like I was the problem and “unable to give love”. Please do not ever think that. I am so capable of loving and being kind and understanding with my friends and child. Do not let him confuse you there. It is your right to feel in the right place for that. You do not owe it to him.
Take care lovely. I am so hearing what you wrote and I reacted like you too. Because that is how you react to this.
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Thank you so much for this I really appreciate your replie.
Some days i just feel as if im over reacting trying so hard to see this for what it is maybe im trying too hard and seeing things that arent there that are just normal married life i just doubt myself all the time. Thank you for saying you saw it too that helps so much.
You take care xxxxx
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I’m just reading this and wishing I could give you a big hug and tell you how much you deserve to be loved.
Please don’t think you shouldn’t post on here as often as you need to. Keep sharing and talking. We need to hear from you. Sharing our experiences gives us all support because we know we are not alone and others understand us.
I remember the cycle you describe so well, the raising of expectations and the disappointment of plans changed because they didn’t work for him. I tried to condition myself not to expect anything so I wouldn’t be disappointed. But it’s hard, that’s not who I am.
And I’d relax into the good times and then be annoyed with myself for being let down again when they went bad, which they always did. The only person I should have been annoyed with is him!
Take care of yourself ❤️ -
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