Zoning out

[snowybunny]

Hello lovelies

Just a quick question, last night was not a good night, in fact the whole of yesterday was not good. It included calling my friends b*itches, berating me because I want to see my favourite artist when he is next on tour and saying he would not let me go to the concert, mocking me when I finished praying a few minutes after him (that is not quick enough apparently) and laughing at me when I said something with the incorrect grammar. This continued for most of the day with him falling asleep at random times! Last night he kept me awake most of the night asking me very gross questions and I found myself zoning out, similar to when you are really interested in a television programme and don’t fully hear when someone says something.
He noticed this and has now started saying that there is someone else inside me controlling me!? He also says this when I begin to even slightly stand up for myself or even question him, even if I question him in a calm tone. I do not feel like someone else is inside me controlling me at all and despite what is happening in my marriage I still function well and manage daily life and he knows this, surely.
Has anyone else experienced zoning out when their abuser asks a lot of inappropriate questions or after a difficult day with them?

With peace and best wishes

[fizzylem]

Hi Snowybunny, this man sounds dreaful, controlling, manipulative and toxic. Part of me thinks great, you are zoning him out, not taking in or feeling the emotional attack, its like your protective buffer, but another part of me feels saddened, because to feel like we are living life we also need to feel it, every emotion that brings, numbed emotions are therefore never really a good thing in my mind. Sometimes this is needed in the situation you have talked about, its good you have become aware of this zoning out and that you are trying to make sense of why it is happening – to understand yourself further.

For me its maybe a sign, maybe your trying to avoid the painful emotions that come with ending any relationship? The enormity of it all? If you were to give it a voice what does it say? I imagine its something like this relationship isnt right for me, I should probably get out, but that means…

Keep posting. FL. x

[bluedolphin]

Hi, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds all to familiar, but weirdly I feel I know what’s going on more when it’s someone else rather than me.

It sounds like the only thing controlling you is him. Nothing inside you. He sounds like my partner. He wants you and other people to think you are mad, rather than him being abusive being the problem. I really hope you feel able to get some help. I zone out a lot too. Partly to avoid hearing yet more nasty horrible rants and comments and threats, but also when I’m very tired (and I noticed you said he stopped you sleeping) I feel out of it. It’s hard to concentrate on anything when you’re so tired.

I feel a bit hypocritical suggesting this because I’m still struggling with getting out of my own situation, but I really do hope you feel able to get some support. I have spoken to the national helpline a few times now, and they have been very kind and understanding. It’s hard to get through but worth trying or leave a message.

I also do the zoning out. A lot. It’s sort of way of not having to hear all the horrible and nasty things they say, I guess. Also you said he stopped you sleeping. The zoning out is probably also down to you being so tired. I’ve had problems sleeping on and off for years even before I met my partner, and there’s been days when I’ve felt so out of it and massively zone out because of tiredness.

[Chickadee]

Hello Snowbunny.

Wow, that all sounds familiar. Being told that I’m not allowed to go to something. Forgetting to hand him something and then being blugeoned with texts about coming back to get it to him and what the h*** is taking me so long (I texted him back that it was only two minutes time and I was stuck in traffic, turning around, and am sitting at the light getting ready to turn). Laughing his head off if I did something wrong or incorrectly.

Be very careful. Make sure you get sleep. An abuser keeps you up and interupts your sleep patterns as a control tactic, it depletes your minds ability to focus/think clearly, it also will aid him in making you feel as if there is something wrong with you, that your crazy, as the physical exhaustion becomes taxing on the mind and you start to question and doubt yourself and believe what he states.

Right now it sounds like your mind is questioning him, YEAH! Your zoning him out, is your mind thinking clearly and disgust with him. Stay Strong!

Your right, there is nothing wrong with you! The next time he tries to pull the there is another person inside you c**p….I suggest you tell him there is….its the STRONG ME that will not tolerate your insults, keeping me up all night, or trying to get me to think I’m crazy.

Your initial agreement will throw him off, then be assertive with the rest and get it said, and walk away.

Your Strong….take back your power!

Here when you need to talk. Hugs!

Chickadee

[cloudyday]

The sleep control thing is a common thing with abusers. Sleep deprivation weakens the senses and gives them control. My abuser used to keep me on the phone until the early hours or if he was at mine he would come to bed late and wake me up and keep me talking to 2 am knowing that I had to get up for work a 6.30 and btw he did not work and stayed in bed until midday most days. Sleep deprivation is a well-known form of torture. My ex not so long ago was asking me in the early hours of the morning about certain sexual things with a previous boyfriend. I told him I was not comfortable talking about sexual experiences with previous partners no more than I wanted to hear anything about his experiences with previous partners but still he kept on and then when he tried to touch me I totally freaked out and said get off me! He made me feel degraded and disgusted. These abusers f… with your head.

[snowybunny]

Thank you all very much for your replies.
I’m sorry if my reply will be rather short and not make much sense, another bad nights sleep and he is still in the property (he is asleep)
I told him I needed sleep last night and still he found a way to keep me awake, kept shaking me awake saying I had hit him in my sleep by jolting my arm, weird how I never have this issue when he is not here, I sleep soundly without (apparently) jolting my arm when he is not here. He is returning to work abroad next week so I should be able to catch up on sleep then, he only seems to be able to stay awake talking on the phone for a short while at night when away, so no sleep disturbance that way, just seems when he is here.
It is weird and scary how it seems they all show the same types of abuse regardless their background, age, religion, job titles, how long we have been with them etc. It really is as if we all know the same exact abuser!? As if they are reading from the same book.

With peace and best wishes
x

[iwillbeok]

Hi snowbunny,

Reading posts on here I am constantly surprised by the same tactics these abusers use (just had an ahah! moment regarding the sleep deprivation) and also our similar responses to our abuse.

I was a always zoning out (still do but much less) when he was talking, when being made to watch TV I wasn’t interested in. He would have to call my name a number of times before I ‘came to’ and thought he had just said my name once, meanwhile he’d been having one of his one-sided conversations again. He said he was worried for my mental health (family history raised over and over again). But I realised later would use this also to gaslight me. Telling me we had whole conversation about x.

This zoning out is dissociation. It is a survival mechanism. A way of protecting ourselves from the pain – yet ironically can actually put us more in harm’s way from my example above.

Keep posting, keep reading.

Iwillbeok x

[Poodlepower]

Mine used to rant for hours , nonsensical arguments that had so many twists and turns…I couldn’t walk away as he’d grab me and pin me down which I found terrifying, so I’d often “zone out” too. He’d spot this though, and demand that i repeat back to him what he’d just said. I would get it wrong and he’s be furious.
The sleep deprivation thing…mine used to do this, telling me he was afraid to be alone. He’d sleep all day so he was able to keep me awake. He used various tactics to wake me, including accusing me of masturbating in my sleep-maybe to make me too embarrassed or scared to sleep? I know this was a lie because sometimes I’d be awake although he thought I was asleep. He would also demand to see my eyes as he said they were “beautiful” and seeing them brought him comfort. At 3am. Waking me from a deep sleep.

[Author]

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