PlanetYazoo

[PlanetYazoo]

So, what you’re saying is that I have to stay with my abuser or have him remove my child and I pay him £166 for the luxury (leaving me with £10 to buy my child a christmas present, or buy myself clothes, or if any appliance goes wrong)?! That’s the choice that I am faced with?! That’s not a choice. Thats death or death.

[PlanetYazoo]

Thank you for reading. I appreciate it. I spent this morning pulling out my hair because I was terrified that I was just making excuses to support my behaviour. I do have a lot of male friends (unavoidable in my line of work). I fear he will claim that I am an unfit mother as he would not tolerate anything that would paint him in a poor light for his work. I believe (probably convinced myself) that because I am a working mum 5 days a week (plus meetings and obligations due to management) that this could all be used in his favour. I spoke to Womans Aid chat and they have said that Im not crazy and they don’t seem to think I am the abuser. They suggested getting a medical statement to offically catalogue this but I worry that it would be used in someway to prove I am not mentally fit or that because it hasn’t happened recently (thank you covid) the other stuff wont count. He makes out that his job puts him in the best light for custody.

I would have no problem with joint custody. He is strict with schooling but never shown abuse to my child. I want my child to thrive. If I could be in a perfect world I would have my child for 4 nights a week so he got plenty of time with both parents and I would be happy to move and accomodate that time so it fitted for when his work is being a pain and I have a meetings. We both brought this child into the world and it right that this child has both parents to help him grow.

Sadly, we do not live in an ideal world and I’ve learned recently that he has very strong ideas of who is in control of our child. Thank god our child is young enough that he (hopefully) doesn’t get what is happening.

Thanks again for reading. You have no idea how much of a relief it is to be able to say what has been inside my head for what feels like such a long time.

[PlanetYazoo]

I don’t mean to hi-jack but I can’t figure out how to start my own thread – this one is what I would have called mine.
I feel like I am in the same boat and I often worry that I am the abuser. I’ve been married a while with one little boy. My husband used to demand maintenance sex and I would let him but it made me feel sick. I don’t have a high sex drive. After my boy was born the stitches required make it painful and I often cut open when I do even after (detail removed by Moderator) years. I brought up how it made me feel and he asked if I would still have sex with him – I said yes though I am not sure why – and he said that was good because it meant that I loved him. He says that this didn’t happen.
Fast forward to Covid. I managed to get him to sleep in the spare room because he has a depressed immune system and it felt like a weight had been lifted. Then he had his vaccines. He’d approach the bedroom door and I would freeze because I kept thinking that any day now he is going to come back to the marital bed. It didn’t happen. Instead, I have been kept to this one room in the house. I can’t use our lounge or dining room except at Christmas and I can only use the kitchen when I won’t make any noise that could disturb his work. He also says that I don’t look after our son and that I ignore his existence (I don’t its just I know I will get my head bitten off if I don’t agree with the right thing). The way he says this makes me wonder if its not him but me. Am I the abuser? Am I the bad mother? I work a full time job (I went back full time after maternity on his request) and I can’t just drop things and go like he can (he is self-employed and a (detail removed by Moderator) for the rest).
(detail removed by Moderator) he took my son to the otherside of the country to see family but wouldn’t allow me to join them and only told me the week that they were going (infact he changed the day (detail removed by Moderator) times which would have made securing emergency leave impossible). He was planning to leave at (detail removed by Moderator) but I found out because (detail removed by Moderator)yr olds cant keep secrets! He’s there now and every day feels like I am on the verge of terror. I got to speak to my son for 1 minute 30 secs (detail removed by Moderator) and only received photos when I asked for them. I sent a message saying I missed our son and (detail removed by Moderator) with him. I was told that I don’t have (detail removed by Moderator) with him but I know that I do sit with him when I get home and have food and watch whatever cartoon he’s watching and he is sat next to me. My husband continues to say that I am never around but I work and when I suggest not doing so he has a fit. He says that I leave him to do everything but I don’t even know its happening till its too late.
All of this makes me sooo confused as to whether I am the one at fault or if its him. I don’t want to abuse him!! I am planning on getting things together to file for divorce but I am terrified he will keep my son by using my ‘absence’ against me even though he wont have it any other way. I can’t afford to lose 60% of my wages to him for child support and live and not seeing my son would be even worse.

Sorry for the extremely long post. If anyone reads all of this – is it me? Am I ghosting, gaslighting, etc?

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