WestEndRed

[WestEndRed]

I’m reading all this and I feel exactly the same. We were together for only (Detail removed by Moderator) and we have no kids, so I feel a fraud compared to some of the stories and situations I have read on here, and my thoughts and prayers go out to you all. I can honestly say that I feel totally broken by this man, who could be so so charming, thoughtful, attentive and over the top loving, but if I said the wrong thing or didnt act like the partner he wanted he would switch into a monster in a heartbeat. Verbal abuse, insults, threats, comparisons to his ex’s and how I’m not like them, that I’m selfish and it’s all about me, how my introverted personality is an affliction which I choose not to address, accusing me of cheating (he was the cheat), belittling, denying I’ve said things, giving me the cold shoulder or picking a fight because I’ve not answered the phone to him with enough warmth (I am usually on a packed train when this happens, and he knows I can’t talk easily with strangers in my face, which is not unreasonable). We’ve had nights where he’s deliberately kept me awake all night by bouncing up and down on the end of it because he wanted to row, knowing that I had to get up early for a new job – I had to run out of the flat and sleep in the car I was so distressed and scared. He’s rapped me on the head with his knuckles, and pushed me down our hallway, pulled my glasses off my face, then shoved me so hard I landed on the bedroom carpet and took the skin off my knees. All of this was apparently MY fault. I caused this behaviour in him. I know this isn’t true, but I found myself constantly apologising and admitting to being a bad person and partner just to make him calm again.
I am out now, it’s been (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks. Despite all this, I miss him so much it’s unbearable. I don’t understand these emotions, I should be relieved. I don’t want to go back to him but I feel utterly bereft and I think I’m losing my mind. I’ve never been so sad over a breakup and this is the worst relationship I’ve been in. I don’t know how to deal with this

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