Can being separated living together in same house work

Hi Sunshinexxxx, I lived with my ex for a while whilst going through the divorce; it was horrendous. His behaviour swung like a pendulum during that time; he was very unstable. He alternated between hoovering behaviour and anger. Both behaviours intensified beyond anything I had ever seen before and it was relentless. One minute he’d be trying to force me into joint or family activities, the next he’d be furious because I wouldn’t play ball. The attempts at manipulation and coercion were manifest and he knew no bounds. Whilst all this behaviour was going on, he’d be constantly trying to convince me that he wasn’t abusive and that I was mad. It’s laughable really in hindsight that he was trying to convince me that he wasn’t abusive whilst the abuse was ramping up. At the time, however, it was incredibly difficult. I was stressed, frightened and at one point, suicidal.

From my own personal experience, I would say it is not possible to live together and be separated. I don’t think he will see you as separated and nothing will get better, it will only get worse. It could be very dangerous for you, even if he isn’t actually violent, your mental health and your physical health could suffer, even putting your life at risk.

Honestly, having been through this, I would say make a clean break. I would suggest that you move out, find somewhere to rent and take your child with you. xx

Hi I am going through this. Similarly I am paying for everything he has no money (well he does but not easily accessible) but house in joint names. One main reason I have stayed for years is his health condition. I think you have to be very careful and consider the risks. I was not planning to say anything during lockdown, started talking to close family, friends, I got lots of support in place and they have kept me sane! But it got too difficult not to say anything to him in the end, I had become totally emotionally detached and he guessed. I ended it not after any big incident (which I thought would be the only way I could go through with it). I had just reached the point of I can’t live like this anymore. I felt incredible worried and sick about saying anything but I had told people close to me what was happening and I was lucky they 100% supported me. Living in the house has been very difficult at times. Oddly he had some very strange behaviour a few weeks ago but otherwise it has been “ok” I say that but it’s not enjoyable! I think he has basically discarded me (mentions this in the book). He needs me to pay the mortgage so needs to keep me sweet enough, he has made some outrages claims about me owing him thousands of pounds but I can totally see what he is doing. I feel awful about his health but have basically set him up with what he needs (I can’t go into detail) and left it with him. I have done what I can do and probably way more than I should of, but I know at the end of the day I tried, he is not my responsibility. I felt cold initially but there does come a point! The house is now being sold and actually he has pushed this after I didn’t buckle to me owing him thousands of pounds. It works for me and it puts him in a difficult position but his way of being in control I think but so be it, it will be over soon. I think it can be done if you think you can be safe, if you have good support, somewhere to escape if you need as there is going to be some mind bending behaviour but if it is a step you feel you need to take to get out then it may be right for you although far from ideal! Not sure if helps x

I did it compassionately. I sat him down, explained that the relationship wasn’t working for me and that it was time we went our separate ways. He went very pale. He honestly believed I’d never leave.

I always thought it would happen during an incident but once I got to the point I felt i needed to end the relationship no big incident happened! I just had become so detached that he kind of guessed and similar to eggshells I said it calmly. There were tears after this but it just hit that point and happened. I had support, I had checked the financial situation with the house, I wrote the list of all the concerning behaviour and I read it and read, I read books, wrote on here. I knew I couldn’t feel like this for the rest of my life.

Dear Sunshinexxxx

I can’t see how being separated and living together can work. I’ve never heard any good came of it, only horrendous tales.

Anything I said would have riled him, I avoided him like the plague, but that also riled him. I just couldn’t have said anything that didn’t.

Good luck for getting him out.

Warmest wishes
TS

Hi Sunshine

Short answer is no. I managed about a week with an ex, and he was far from abusive.

You will never ever feel ‘separated’ while you’re under the same roof. It won’t be like having a lodger in the spare room. He’ll still be the same-old lazy sh*t lounging on the sofa all day while you’re out working.

You need to arm yourself with financial/legal advice. The house is in your name but he may still have a claim on a share of the assets. It will probably come down to what he’s contributed financially. I have no idea how you can make someone leave ‘their’ home. There will be a way – selling up to force him out, or an eviction notice. You need to find out.

If you haven’t already done so, leave the big announcement until you’ve got your ducks in a row.

It’s not clear but you refer to him as your partner. Does this mean you’re not actually married? This will have a bearing on what you mean by ‘separation.’

‘Separation’ is a legal process for a married couple and you’ll need proper advice.

For a non-married couple ‘separation’ can be seen as temporary – a kind of breathing space while you evaluate things.

If you intend to end your relationship with him be sure to use the correct term – divorce if you’re married, split/break up if you’re not.

Hello I feel so much for you. Well done on taking this huge and difficult step. I think my situation was pretty similar and although not a good place to be it was step I feel I needed to to take to move forward and I could not leave the home due to being financially tied. Hang in there are you getting some good support? Somewhere to go when things are mega tense? It sounds like you are starting to question yourself a little. Yes you are likely hyper vigilant to his moods due to the history. I would nearly jump out of my skin or feel physically sick at tiny things I had got so used to being on guard. I struggled but really tried to keep the emotional detachment, look at the list of what has happened, read that aha chapter in any books you have read whenever this happens I found this really helpful to re ground me. Our house is now sold I am in the final stretch, I couldn’t stay in the end. I know you would love to keep the house but as long as you get what you are financially entitled to (get a good solicitor) it may be better to leave and starts new (I am). Is the house worth the battle , your sanity, the tears and fear. You are nearing edger to being out of this situation, it is horrible but doable. Keep going. I am sure he is still playing bully games (mine was) but the difference is you know what he is doing, I imagine it hurts like mad but now you know you can not being roped in. Hold your head up a new exciting future awaits and I am excited for you and your son xx

Also what helped me is I put a very timeline in place. By this date if we are still not making any progress with living situation I am doing such and such. Don’t let it drift use the momentum you have put in place. He will use every trick in the book. Mine had tears, asked to do counselling, then resorted to me owing him tens of thousands of pounds (I don’t). Moving things throughout the day putting my things in piles etc, denied doing it, some uncoinsious episodes in the middle of the night where I had to intervene due to his health. Your eyes are open X

Hi i am dealing with the same situation.
I have an abusive huband and daughter, with the daughter situation, it hurts more, bringing a child up with so much love and turning into an abuser.They wont leave.