Was this wrong?

I have a dilemma. I had forgotten about an occasion of oral sex between myself and my ex-husband until a friend recently told me of their own ordeal which was along similar lines.

I don’t know whether what happened to me that night (many years ago) was his wrongdoing or not. It is very frustrating because I can’t remember the whole thing clearly. I will recount it to you as best I can. I would really appreciate any feedback that could help me to make sense of it please.

It was the evening. We were in the bedroom. He wanted a b******b. I sat on the side of the bed, I think I was naked or nearly naked. I already knew that I didn’t like the taste of him or the experience of having him in my mouth so we must have done that before but I have no clear recollection of when. I opened my mouth a little and he pulled his f******n back and put himself in. I hated the taste of him and the feel of him in my mouth, and the smell of his body in general was repulsive to me (still is). I did what I was prepared to do as best I could. He enjoyed it. I did it because I wanted to be attractive to him and please him. I wanted to be sexy. I didn’t do it because I enjoyed it. I didn’t enjoy it and am sure that I could never do that for him for more than a few minutes. He wanted to go in further into my mouth. I didn’t want him to but I didn’t say so for the obvious reason. He asked to go in further and then pushed in further. I think his hand was on the top of my head. Eurgh. Disgusting. I most likely retched but can’t remember and don’t want to fill this gap with something imagined. I want to know what happened. Then I moved away and lay on the bed to do other things. I don’t know if it happened on this night or not, but he used to strangle me whilst I was on top of him – I had to prise his hands off me and when I asked him later on not to do it again, he had no recollection of it. He did it again. I know this was abuse but I don’t know about the oral sex.

Did he do anything wrong? Was it my fault that I endured this because I didn’t say no? I feel sure that he should have known that I didn’t like it but perhaps he didn’t.

At least now I know why I don’t like that side of the bed and why the smell of him makes me nauseous.

Was this oral rape?

I need to make sense of it. It is driving me mad. I was with my current partner recently and this is all that I could think of whilst he made love to me. I wasn’t making love to him back and cried my eyes out afterwards as I was so upset that I had let him and myself down. He is the most amazing and supportive person I can imagine. He is my rock and is so understanding of these issues that I have, I am so lucky. I don’t feel able to tell him about this incident in particular yet.