Done up like a kipper

Or perhaps a sardine? Whilst registering I’ve been reading messages on the forum and hearing echoes, seeing flashbacks and crying buckets…yous are all part of my reality, a reality that should not be. Who wants to feel like we feel? How can another human being behave in the ways we’ve experienced (are experiencing) and well get away with it yes, but more to the point be comfy in their own skin/inner world? It is unreal.
Currently on my conveyor belt of what I now know to be abuse I’m receiving the ‘silent treatment’ with a heavy dose of not existing and some look how nice I can be to others thrown in for good measure. I too used to think I can ‘fix’ him, but now it has dawned on me I’ve been done up like a kipper…hook line and sinker. I volunteered my love, my time, and the best part of my life to pandering to the needs of a man whose needs can never be met. The constant need for praise, listening to the hundred and one ways others have abused him, how no one recognises his genius, hearing until I’m sick of how others have actively sought to do him down, to his ‘fights’ with every service provider and the numerous letters(now emails) he pens to fix things to his liking. Please. We only have a short time on this Earth why would a body choose, choose to behave in this way?
I am sick to my stomach, when I eat, I eat quickly to get out of his way, I’ll even apologise. Why does that “sorry” or “have I done something to upset you?” Just flow out of my mouth? It is as if I’m possessed or turning into a zombie.
I have to say it but it feels wrong I’m glad well not glad more comforted that I am not alone in this although it sure feels that way most of the time. Both my thoughts and feelings are all over the place imagine an insect smattered on the front of a car driving at speed down a motorway. That covers the emotional crush I am under. I’m drowning throw me a life belt universe. Please.