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Really really scared. I had this idea that because I have some money I would be able to just go to an estate agent and get a rental property but the more I read the further away this seems. I’m being told that they want references – I have no way of supplying this. I have no job. No employer to vouch for me, no friends, no family, nothing. I am at the end of my tether worrying about this. He has isolated me so skillfully I might be trapped forever. Help me please someone, tell me how I can do this please. I just want to quietly move on into a new life, don’t need to take up a Refuge place or local authority I can afford to rent. Why does it seem so hard?
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Hi I can fully understand I have been sleeping in the spare room now for some time I to do not want a refuge place. It started out lovely looking at places to rent but who can afford nearly 1000 pound a month rent with out bills. I’m so tierd I just feel like there’s no way out. He has won again. I feel like I’m back at the beginning. I’m on repeat. That was exhausting I don’t have the energy to do it all again. Sending you much love
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Yes, I absolutely know how you feel. I feel hopeful sometimes and then crash down again. The only advice/support available appears to be when you are actually homeless. I don’t see why I should make myself homeless. I really do not understand why it should be so difficult to find somewhere to live. It has been a shock. There is much sympathy and kindness on and around this forum but the lack of practical advice that is available is terribly disappointing and it seems unsurprising that many older women just give up. Honestly, I feel like I am just hoping he gets ill and (detail removed by moderator), and I hate myself for this.
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Hi Secret6
You mentioned earlier you have money. Landlords will often accept tenants without references if they can pay rent upfront for a period of 6 months (the shortest length of long term tenancy). Lots of people come from abroad and do this as they don’t have jobs or references. And then in another 6 months you pay upfront again and so on.
If you are not working, you can claim universal credit for your housing element without your Landlord being made aware, so could be saving for the next 6 month payment from your benefits. Or you may get a job with your newfound freedom.
My motto on my journey (I’m in the same age bracket and out a while now after long marriage) is ‘where there’s a will, there’s a way’. Sometimes it’s been extremely hard to find it but don’t give up!
Stay strong and sending you a virtual hug 🤗 xx
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Hi secret6 I here you I don’t want a refuge I don’t want to de homeless I have worked all my life to have the things I’ve got I’m not lucky enough to have things just handed to me I work now and rental p*i es are massively heigh all I want is a place for me and my things to be safe. I have no friends as he has skillfully isolated me. I have been saving a little money each month of my wages without him knowing which scares the s**t out of me if he finds out. I wish I had the answer to give you but I so tired and exhausted and yes I feel so alone because I feel like I’m just going around in circles so I hear and feel your pain x*x take care secret6 x*x
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It really isn’t easy for anyone whatever the situation. People who have got away have all been in a similar place to you before that moment when they just went. Something clicks. I left (detail removed by Moderator) ago, I’m (detail removed by Moderator) and been in a (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship. It isn’t easy but I can see a future now, I couldn’t when I was with him.
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Hi, Actually leaving is huge so firstly acknowledge that, I do understand that it’s difficult and feels impossible to find accommodation. You say you have heard about all the difficulties renting but have you actually gone into a letting agency and maybe have a conversation with them? I think on one occasion when I was thrown out I talked to my boss and he agreed to give a reference ( it’s not easy to tell people what’s going on )
Someone has suggested citizens advice? Could be a good call , also writing or emailing housing associations ? Getting a DV advisor involved?
I am positive that there will be others with much more experience than me.
You are right everyone is different and it’s not a competition. I know when I got up the courage to leave, I had months in spare rooms and on sofas until I got sorted out.
Stay strong x -
There is a good national website called Spareroom, where people can advertise rooms in shared houses. Often it is mature people quietly living their lives, and sometimes the house mates work such long hours that you never see them so there’s privacy and personal space. Many of those landlords don’t require references, or require you to be working and they can do a meeting and show around the house using WhatsApp, so you wouldn’t have to get there in person at first, and would just need to maybe delete record of the call afterwards.
Otherwise I would say don’t worry about taking up a space in a refuge. Lacking funds isn’t the only reason people need refuges, being vulnerable because of the abuse you’ve been through and being isolated are also good reasons to stay for a little while in a refuge. While there, you can receive counselling and help with getting a job and making contacts. It would give you a starting point to begin healing. If you make a call to women’s aid, you can talk through those worries and let someone guide you and reassure you. You do deserve whatever it takes to get your freedom, so reach out for any support that’s available. I really hope it all works out for you and you get the help you need.
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