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    • #165264

      Really really scared. I had this idea that because I have some money I would be able to just go to an estate agent and get a rental property but the more I read the further away this seems. I’m being told that they want references – I have no way of supplying this. I have no job. No employer to vouch for me, no friends, no family, nothing. I am at the end of my tether worrying about this. He has isolated me so skillfully I might be trapped forever. Help me please someone, tell me how I can do this please. I just want to quietly move on into a new life, don’t need to take up a Refuge place or local authority I can afford to rent. Why does it seem so hard?

    • #165269

      Hi, I wish I had direct experience but I wonder if citizens advice can help you work out what your options are. There are local offices and I think they help with this sort of thing.

    • #165272

      Same here, you have my life, exactly the same, but i have beeen living in my bedroom for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks now, i dont have money so he will be loving every depressing day, i have, now hes taken my car and i cant even get to a supermarket.

    • #165287

      I read somewhere on these forums about women who have been able to make discreet phone calls to estate agents to get referred to their DA specialists who might be able to assist with advice there.

    • #166160

      Hi I can fully understand I have been sleeping in the spare room now for some time I to do not want a refuge place. It started out lovely looking at places to rent but who can afford nearly 1000 pound a month rent with out bills. I’m so tierd I just feel like there’s no way out. He has won again. I feel like I’m back at the beginning. I’m on repeat. That was exhausting I don’t have the energy to do it all again. Sending you much love

      • #166175

        Yes, I absolutely know how you feel. I feel hopeful sometimes and then crash down again. The only advice/support available appears to be when you are actually homeless. I don’t see why I should make myself homeless. I really do not understand why it should be so difficult to find somewhere to live. It has been a shock. There is much sympathy and kindness on and around this forum but the lack of practical advice that is available is terribly disappointing and it seems unsurprising that many older women just give up. Honestly, I feel like I am just hoping he gets ill and (detail removed by moderator), and I hate myself for this.

    • #166180

      Hi Secret6

      You mentioned earlier you have money. Landlords will often accept tenants without references if they can pay rent upfront for a period of 6 months (the shortest length of long term tenancy). Lots of people come from abroad and do this as they don’t have jobs or references. And then in another 6 months you pay upfront again and so on.

      If you are not working, you can claim universal credit for your housing element without your Landlord being made aware, so could be saving for the next 6 month payment from your benefits. Or you may get a job with your newfound freedom.

      My motto on my journey (I’m in the same age bracket and out a while now after long marriage) is ‘where there’s a will, there’s a way’. Sometimes it’s been extremely hard to find it but don’t give up!

      Stay strong and sending you a virtual hug 🤗 xx

      • #166379

        What if they don’t accept me though? What do I do then? It’s easy for someone who has succeeded to say “where there is a will, there is a way” it’s wonderful that you succeeded and I’m happy for everyone who does, but (detail removed by Moderator)

      • #166390

        Hi secret6 I here you I don’t want a refuge I don’t want to de homeless I have worked all my life to have the things I’ve got I’m not lucky enough to have things just handed to me I work now and rental p*i es are massively heigh all I want is a place for me and my things to be safe. I have no friends as he has skillfully isolated me. I have been saving a little money each month of my wages without him knowing which scares the s**t out of me if he finds out. I wish I had the answer to give you but I so tired and exhausted and yes I feel so alone because I feel like I’m just going around in circles so I hear and feel your pain x*x take care secret6 x*x

      • #168357

        It really isn’t easy for anyone whatever the situation. People who have got away have all been in a similar place to you before that moment when they just went. Something clicks. I left (detail removed by Moderator) ago, I’m (detail removed by Moderator) and been in a (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship. It isn’t easy but I can see a future now, I couldn’t when I was with him.

      • #169279

        I’m not saying it’s easy for other people. What I am saying is that there are different levels of difficulty. It’s horrendous for everyone in this situation, it’s not a competition….
        I’m trapped forever now anyway

      • #169588


        If you are willing to consider living in an apartment-hotel complex outside of Central London, most don’t require any references for the studios and 1 bedroom apartments.
        Many will allow you to stay up to 7 months as long as you can pay for half the stay upfront and don’t have a pet. I know of a few complexes in England that frequently do this. Happy to share their contact info if it could help.

        If you have uk photoid, can afford to pay at least 3 months rent upfront along with the deposit, have no ccjs, don’t smoke or have pets and can login to online banking – a lot of landlords with average properties will still consider you without any references.

        My daughters have experienced similar problems with a lack of references, no work history or access to a phone.
        Some small business owners that hire online freelancers for small jobs are willing to provide a variety of references on letterheaded paper or by email. Including to estate agents, landlords and other business owners considering hiring them. My daughters have obtained four or five references this way.

        Good luck!

    • #169284

      Hi, Actually leaving is huge so firstly acknowledge that, I do understand that it’s difficult and feels impossible to find accommodation. You say you have heard about all the difficulties renting but have you actually gone into a letting agency and maybe have a conversation with them? I think on one occasion when I was thrown out I talked to my boss and he agreed to give a reference ( it’s not easy to tell people what’s going on )
      Someone has suggested citizens advice? Could be a good call , also writing or emailing housing associations ? Getting a DV advisor involved?
      I am positive that there will be others with much more experience than me.
      You are right everyone is different and it’s not a competition. I know when I got up the courage to leave, I had months in spare rooms and on sofas until I got sorted out.
      Stay strong x

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