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Where do I start? I married fast…. (detail removed by moderator) and i knew from the beginning something wasn’t right. Name calling …f*****t and stupid. Non communication when I challenged his behaviour. Regular putting me down in front of friends and family. Trying to please him constantly so he wouldn’t go into a ‘mood’. Unpredictable behaviour if we were invited out socially. Making myself and others feel uncomfortable so eventually I stopped going out. Lost friends. The kids and I were walking on eggshells, especially when he returned from work. Critical and negative. Nothing ever good enough! Ba humbug Christmases and controlling with finances. Received a monthly income and not allowed to spend anymore. Had to input receipts on a computer system for him to check. (detail removed by moderator) Explicit emails requesting his desires. A shock!!! Wondered why he never wanted sex from me, felt unattractive. Counselling sessions!!! Forgave and worked at it…. He will change…not! The cycle of emotional abuse continues..round and round and I can’t escape. Got ill and my mental health declined. Signed off work for the first time in my life. He had me all to himself. His behaviour made me want to self harm to make it stop. My body and mind could not take it anymore. Trying to please him and make him happy. Draining and controlling. Who am I??? I am lost and trapped.
Light bulb moment ..packed a bag and left house. I have left a few times before but always felt sorry for him and returned. Not now, as my body and mind is screaming at me to leave. Left our home and sofa surfed at friends and work colleagues. Living out of bags. Had no car but my dad loaned me his, which was my lifeline.
I have had a few caseworkers and now going through the freedom programme. I left (detail removed by moderator) and have struggled to find affordable accommodation and claim UC. I have a part-time job but I don’t earn enough to pay the bills. I feel guilty that I don’t miss him. Trying to agree on finances and move on. He never stops trying to get me back. He still controls me now but I feel numb.
Hope for the future but it’s hard to make decisions and feel good in my mid 50,s. I’m scared & still doubting myself.
I am alone and awaiting my divorce. Still calling myself married when asked but not ready to take my rings off yet 💔
Many words & actions trigger me and I feel rushes of nausea if I think too deeply about my situation.
I wish I knew that I have made the right decision. We had a plan for our retirement and it’s all gone up in smoke.
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Haven what you described your marriage to be like is very similar to what I am experiencing with two young kids too. I am hoping to be out before Xmas. I absolutely am terrified so I know how much bravery it has taken to do what you have done and your words are so inspiring. You will build yourself back up stronger that u have ever been in time. I know you probably have already seeked advice about your finances but if not it would help you get on track and if you reach out to your local woman’s aid they could guide you on your next steps. Xx
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It’s not gone up in smoke because those lovely retirement plans wouldn’t have been lovely, it would’ve meant being around that nasty, miserable controlling man 24 hours a day. It’s rough seas right now and that’s tough but also ok because jeez, you’ve started all over and that’s. Not. Easy.
Not only that but we lose all sense of who we are, what we like and who on earth to trust. If he’s still controlling you I bet two things are happening (if not many more) and firstly he’s trying all the tricks to get to back in line even if that’s beating you down to the point you’re numb and you just go ok then and return, and secondly you’re not fully free yet yet so all that funky brain stuff of the push & pull is still swirling inside.
You can’t take on the world (well you can as you’ve shown but it’s exhausting)) so could you break it into smaller chunks, probably need support and help along the way. But look at living situation – what can you do, what can you afford, perhaps a house share and are you on the council list and you may qualify as homeless. Money wise, again what’s in your control – can you work more hours, ask for a pay rise, change jobs or speak to someone for debt advice or money support – your local citizens advice maybe. I get it, it’s so overwhelming and a lot to do plus we’ve been conditioned not to speak up & that noone cares but baby steps. There will also be days you have to say ‘nope not today’ and put that list of jobs down.
You can do this. Look how far you’ve already come. What do you want your next birthday to look like, how about Christmas the year after…and work towards that xx
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Thanks for the post Haven and your response Bananaboat.
I like the idea of the push/pull being normal. Rather than myself feeling like an idiot for getting sucked back in. But I’m not going back in this time. I’ve blocked him everywhere although he has gotten around that in the past. I suspect he is having (another) affair so he might try again to get me back when that doesn’t work out.
I’m keeping busy and feeling sad. I’m starting the Freedom program too so I’m looking forward to that.
Good luck to us all.
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Thank you everyone for your comments & encouragement. I’m on it! Done citizens advice and had caseworkers. They only take you so far then your on your own! I am the only person that can make this happen and I am moving forward to be free & start my new phase.
Baby steps indeed! I asked for extra hours with work but they can’t do. I even applied for two BIG jobs with one interview but was not successful. Learnt that the time it not right & I need to deal with one stage at a time, not too much change all at once.
Citizens advice was a wake up call when I visited them earlier this year…they asked if I still had the same email address (which was my old work email where I used to live) They had it on record of when I visited the last time I tried to leave. They printed it off for me and it really shocked me reading what I had said (detail removed by moderator) and so nothing had changed!!! Still going round & round & feeling the same.
I have been married for (detail removed by moderator) & never given up hoping for a better life, till now.
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Well done. I actually inspired by you.
My husband is highly abusive both psychologically & mentally. Police has arrested him & only not pressed charges /on bail because refused to give statement as was trying to protect him.
I was independent before I met him only (timeframe removed by Moderator) yrs ago & want to think i can be again but also know i have always longed for that stable partner & family (and feel embarrassed that I told ppl I won’t settle down until 100% right person and he turned up to be an abuser). But soo scared of being single & lonely although am happily when out either friends or family without him as not stepping on eggshells & scared if say/do anything.
How did you make push to actually separate & leave?
I know i should but keep holding out hope hell change. Also aware I’ve coped really well do fat throwing myself in other things in life as some distraction but feel it will effect my mental health. As a (occupation removed by Moderator) I’m highly career focused and good at my job (well get praise from (detail removed by Moderator) & colleagues so hope so) so desperately focus on that and also terminally I’ll family.
I guess keeping me with him is bring scared of being lonely. I have friends (timeframe removed by Moderator) since school but dont see them regularly anymore as happily married with children, lost my mum (timeframe removed by Moderator) & will my dad likely (detail removed by Moderator). Sister is married with (detail removed by Moderator) kids & too busy. We get on well and do see her with my dad but attempted day out together/brought us trips to do for past (timeframe removed by Moderator)yrs but she never has time so worry we will drift apart after lose our parents as that’s only time i see her. I guess part of my stays with him as want a partner family but also feel in only my (age removed by Moderator) I’ll have no other family either.
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I am so sorry you are dealing with that. I recognise some of it. Having your dreams and retirement dashed, knowing that the unknown is scary, but staying with an abusive toxic person will kill your soul. I have seen that some people can throw themselves into creative things like music, painting, or doing crafts after abuse or other traumatic life changing events. It helps people to express themselves, but I am too raw yet to try this. I hope I can do it sometime as therapy/support hasn’t helped because I am stuck in the abuse. I can’t express what happened and is still happening to me yet. I was with my abuser since university and now over 50 feel alone and scared. I don’t feel I can trust anyone or that I will ever want a person to be close enough to hurt me again. Even though I have been separated for a long time my husband has continued his coercive control and every time he contacts me he makes me depressed, anxious and lost. It makes me self-harm. I need to file for divorce to finally break the ties to him, but if I can’t talk about the ongoing abuse, how can I get a lawyer to understand me or advise me?
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Hi Pinkcake321,
Apologies for not replying sooner. You are dealing with a lot and the additional stresses of family illness.
I would suggest you concentrate on connecting with old friends and making new ones. Support during this difficult situation is so important. I am very fortunate to have some really good friends that tell me straight and keep me running in the opposite direction to my Ex. They encourage me when I’m low and keep me laughing too.
I have always been in contact with my local womans aid support and had caseworkers over the years. I rang the national helpline which allocate you a number so you don’t have to start from the beginning every time you ring. That was the most helpful call line ever!
I didn’t always know I was in an abusive relationship, especially in the early days as I just made excuses for him..he’s unhappy in his job, he’s this or that and hoping for better days. Plus the kids were keeping me busy!
I distracted myself with busy life. I had a breakdown (timeframe removed by Moderator) and was a total shell of myself and seeing GP, went for cheap recommended counselling, on antidepressants. Signed off for first time in my life for (number removed by Moderator) months, panic attacks and dark thoughts wanting the cycle to stop going round and round. Then I had a 💡 moment. Called my boss, packed a bag, wrote a note to him and left the house. I have not returned to him and it’s coming up for (timeframe removed by Moderator) now.
Eventually, it wears you down mentally and physically and I could not take anymore. Run for the hills everybody and don’t look back!!!!! Wishing you a new best life ❤️
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Gosh, i feel like many of us can say this is how we have been treated, we shouldn
t be should we though, i could cry right now, its so sad , im not out yet but determined i`m going, its best to be worse off financially and happy though, you’ll get therein time, its hard but we can do this-
Dear woundedgeek,
You can do this and you must not still be in contact even though you are separated.
They control you by text, phone or in their own distinctive ways.
Try to keep distracted and create your new life with friends and family. Try something new you think you will enjoy as you will meet new people.
Block those bad memories if you can’t work through it with therapy. Move on, stay strong and create a new life for YOU.
I started off with a really good lady solicitor who was very experienced in domestic abuse but it got too expensive. You can get one easily with legal aid. If you have a caseworker through your local domestic abuse agency, they might guide you?
You can apply for the divorce yourself through the GOV website and lots of guidance online. My Ex refused to use solicitors so we ended up using (service name removed by Moderator) which have proven to be excellent and I’m nearly through the process. I can apply for my final divorce at the end of this month. The only reason I did go for a divorce was because he was after any future inheritance from my folks (who aren’t going anytime soon) he spoke of this a lot and is very money driven so I wanted him to have no claim on this in the future.
Please try and move forward with your life and font look back! Go Girl ! You CAN get through this.
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