Feeling so low

It’s been (detail removed by moderator) since he discarded me. I should be keeping in mind that he has lied to me and manipulated me. I should realise that I’ve been so worn down because of the relationship I was in; it’s been like trying to please someone for whom nothing is good enough. I should remember being worried and afraid that he might be a sociopath.

But I can’t right now. I’m romanticising him. Last night I discovered videos from our trips together. I watched them smiling and even laughing as though nothing has been, or is, wrong.

I feel deeply lonely, I’ve completely lost myself. I feel like I’ve been sucked up through a straw. His family don’t want to know. His friend won’t acknowledge my messages anymore. This really alarms me. I wish I could go to her and talk to her. We were talking fine, I don’t understand it.

I feel like everything I do is wrong and drives people away. This is one of my biggest fears. I spoke to him at length about it before, and it’s like this whole time maybe I’ve been responsible for pushing him away. Maybe I really am too flawed and weird of a person to be with even as a friend, and he’ll be better away from me.

It’s like there’s an anchor in my chest, I feel so heavy and tired with everything. I want to get very far away.

I’m even too exhausted to analyse him as a person, his behaviour and his words. I’m tired of trying to figure out whether he’s really a sociopath and has been emotionally / mentally abusive. It’s easier in the end to believe it’s inherently my fault that I am in this situation.

Last year I frightened myself by flirting with a guy from work, I was so lost and lonely and my partner was neglectful. I spoke to my counsellor about this and she said I was looking for “positive strokes”. I still feel like a bad person for this even though nothing happened.

When I tried expressing affection to my partner a couple of months ago he joked that I was “thirsty”. I asked him if he really meant it and he said that I was. I’m just desperate I suppose?

I noticed that my dad put some money into my account for xmas. When I saw this I burst out crying. I haven’t seen my dad in years, him and my mum had a messy and traumatic split, and I often feel that fears of abandonment stem from this.

I just feel like a shell walking around, I have nothing left inside.