Everything feels so difficult

I’m really struggling at the moment so thought it might help to post on here. I’m not sure if I’m physically ill or whether it’s to do with trauma but I am exhausted, feel dizzy and spaced out, breathless at times and really depressed.

I saw a dietician earlier this year who worked out that I have quite a significant food intolerance. She put me on a special food plan and I was amazed because it got rid of most of my symptoms – no more bloated stomach, digestive issues, frequent hypoglycemia and my migraines have dramatically reduced which is brilliant.

The only problem is, cutting out this food now means I pretty much have to cook everything from scratch. I went to a pub I know for my lunch one day recently and they were very apologetic but there was not one thing I could eat on their menu so I had to go home and cook again. I don’t have a dishwasher in my rental place so I am usually doing three big bowls of washing up per day as well as spending 1-2 hours cooking and I’m finding it really tiring. That’s on top of food planning and food shopping. I’ve never had tonnes of energy but all this extra work is meaning my energy is depleting fast and I have little left over to do other housework, work on my goals and today I’ve not even showered yet, I just feel so tired.

I spent most of yesterday in bed as I kept having to sit down when I got up. I went to the dr and they’ve ordered blood tests so it will help to check if there is anything going on there.

I also feel plagued with all my traumas. New memories are surfacing such as the time I was sexually assaulted in broad daylight in public when I was about  (age removed by moderator) by a boy who looked my age or even younger. This is just one of many incidents that have happened, I think I just normalised them all. My mum has always acted sort of blasé about men acting like this like ‘boys will be boys’ attitude which clearly was damaging as it made it seem like it was inevitable and not a big deal and didn’t help me protect myself. I haven’t spoken to my parents in weeks because the last time I spoke to my mum she said something really patronising implying that I was a failure ‘but nevermind, just give in and accept it.’ She always gives off this vibe that I have mental health problems, am incapable but ‘it’s ok because me and your dad will support you’ like she doesn’t really believe in me. It makes me feel so trapped, powerless and full of rage. I feel so confused about them because they have never been obviously abusive but I have a lot of memories of things they did that aren’t good. I need to write up a list of everything they have done as I feel really confused about it. One thing I know is that I always feel like I’m the one to blame in the family, that I’m difficult, and that my brother is this amazing golden boy, and that ‘they tolerate and support me as I’m not as capable as other people.’ That’s always the vibe I get from them. (I have a postgraduate level of education, lots of certificates and high grades in all my exams but apparently that is irrelevant!) My brother has always been pretty horrible to me, mocking, putting me down. He’s arrogant, aggressive at times and unpredictable but my mum worships him. My mum has always said she ‘doesn’t know how to love’ and was horrible to me when I was a child always trying to get me to be someone I wasn’t. I was so unhappy at school and got bullied by my brother, by other boys and criticised constantly by my mum as well as screamed at and hit at various times. I have less memories of my dad but he’s always been really sexist, sleazy towards women and has often made me extremely uncomfortable looking at my body, going to close to me, looking at me through door hinges then acting like I’m overeacting when I get angry about it. He always made me feel so powerless. Thank goodness I no longer live with them but how can I support myself financially if I’m too exhausted and depressed to even do my washing up and shower?

I’m also supremely fed up of still not having work in my chosen field. I hate seeing how other people have work in this field when I feel like my work is just as good if not better. The problem is that I can’t sign off benefits and go freelance until I get enough work to pay my rent each month etc so at the moment I’m trapped in limbo – I wouldn’t be able to accept a freelance job if one was offered without more guaranteed work and a range of clients. The only solution I can see is finding a part time job to cover my bills then freelancing on top of that but I’d need to have a lot more energy and better health to manage that. I’m so envious of women who have husbands or boyfriends that support them whilst they build up a business but on the other hand never want to depend on anyone ever again as that just makes you vulnerable.

Well thanks for listening to this, I don’t really have anyone to talk to so the support on here helps a lot.