lack of understanding re; DV in the work place

Hi diymum@1

I believe that when I was in the abusive relationship my work took a downward turn. Since leaving I think I have come on leaps and bounds. One work place knew everything and were so kind and generous, they got me counselling and just got it straight away without necessarily understanding. The second company I now work for I know would not give me the level of support I require. So I have never told them. I feel like I should be able to say but I worry people will say something insensitive (“why didn’t you just leave?”, “surely it couldn’t have been that bad”, etc). Plus I am out of it now and am getting the help I need away from work.

I think the phrasing used in the report written about you was utterly insensitive, unprofessional and uncaring. However, I think trying to get stupid, insensitive people to see the damage they do is like trying to nail jelly to a wall. For me the best revenge is to walk way, excel somewhere else and then return and show them how you flourished.

I can see the appeal of making them accountable for their actions though.

Big hugs, some of your work colleagues sounds like tw*ts. You deserve better than that.

Hi DIY, just want to show support. (name removed by moderator) works as a journalist, she worked in the ‘caring’ profession before that, and was systematically abused but her female boss, As well as her abusive partner. She wrote a book about it. Totally bared her soul, long and short, her boss gave her bad reports too, she ended up losing her job because of it, BUT she successfully sued them . The way she was treated by her boss, it was awful, but she was seen through in the end.
Don’t let the ba…rds grind you down💞
IWMB 💜

It seems to me that people who have not experienced DA will never be able to fully understand and I think some don’t even want to. It’s symptomatic of the society we live in today and a lot people only care if it’s directly affecting them.

Did I ever think about what it meant to be in a DA situation before I was in one? No. I was aware of it of course but I always thought “I won’t put up with that, I’ll leave immediately!” with no after effects of course, no effect on physical or mental health. I didn’t truly understand.

People and organisations just don’t understand. More information needs to be out there as it seems to me that there are a lot of victims. People know about it to a certain extent but it’s brushed under the carpet as it’s not a nice thing to look at.

It was an insensitive way to deal with your circumstances DIYmum. Is there no way you can respond to it, seeing as you were not present at the time the report was made?

I worked in a “caring profession” when I was being abused. I was really lucky in my colleagues, who actually noticed what was going on and helped me to get out, but I ended up with a new manager just before I left, whose attitude was basically “everyone gets abused, get over it” and the manager above her was even worse. He had absolutely no capacity for empathy, no interest in recognising that I was a valued team member who was really good at her job (I am confident that that was what my colleagues would have said) – he saw someone with a disability and problems at home and did absolutely nothing to help. He would never have promoted me above the job I was in – which was basically the lowliest of the low, despite my being capable of doing the next level of job up with ease. The only reason I haven’t complained about his treatment of me is that I know it wasn’t personal. When I started at this company the majority of the staff were university educated and doing the job because they had a passion for it and the previous manager had treated them well. By the time I left he had already driven 80% of the highly qualified staff out, and replaced them with school leavers. It wasn’t worth fighting it. I left and moved away. Ended up with a job paying almost twice as much and with much more flexible hours. At the time it really hurt that he didn’t see my potential, but in the end I came out better off.

Wow that’s unbelievable. You articulate it so well in your posts and I would pitch my complaint letter to them along those lines and that you cannot sit by while other victims are blamed for circumstances out of their control and that all management training should include domestic abuse. I often think abusive ignorant pushy people are often promoted for all the wrong reasons. If your problem was physical she would never get away with this. I’d look for support from the disability act which includes mental health. It’s triggering to back to that time but if you can make a positive from a negative, it’s a good thing x

Just noticed it’s an old thread. I wonder what you decided?

I definitely think that there needs to be some education in all work places.

I finally told my line manager about why I left my Ex the other day, she summed it up perfectly in her response “(detail removed by Moderator)“. I was so pleased. However, there is someone in my office who is very young and not worldly wise who definitely needs some education. This person victim shames without even seeing it (I help them get insight, very quickly!).

I think that a total education programme would help some ignorant people. However, I believe some people are not for changing as they always have been and always will be (detail removed by Moderator). I do think some people have their heads too far up themselves to see things from another humans point of view or have some empathy to someone in a bad situation.

Wow that was a big update! I’m really sorry to learn how your work had gotten worse in terms of attitude, some people really just don’t get it and don’t have the capacity to try and put themselves in someone else’s shoes, do they 🙁 I’m really pleased to read that you are turning this around to such a positive thing and I’m glad your union has your back, something your employer should have had. Congratulations on your studying and your new job DM 🙂 x*x

Congrats DIYmum, such good news, you‘ve really done magic here, turning a negative situation into positive turn ✨💫
I wish you the best of time in your new job and hope you’ll find your studies interesting 👍👩‍🎓 it seems everyone is going back studying this September…it’s getting almost contagious 😄

Sorry this has happened to you. I’ve quit countless workplaces due to domestic violence and had countless managers try to convince me to stay – only to be left in absolute fear of ex turning up at work or worse still following me from work to home. Both male and female mgrs. They do not understand what I’m dealing with.

I would be dealing with his garbage at home and still working full time.

I don’t deal with 99 percent of it now – still effecting my personal and work life though but
far it’s not in person nor via contact.

It’s so difficult when you know that the mention of dv will cause issues.

I don’t mention it until something obvious comes up. The workplace knows nothing and I have felt my work performance slip once it occurs. Still is difficult with dv and workplaces.

Many companies are bringing in dv policies now, but having read my company’s it’s clearly been written by someone who’s lucky enough to have never experienced it. My last manager has been kind of supportive but also said things like (removed by moderator) – gosh I wish, I said to her no, now it’s time to start recovery. She told me to explore options in work and there’s nothing, the EAP which the dv policy directs you to says they can’t help with dv as it’s trauma based?! I also have a new mgr and recognise that relationship is toxic and I’ve swapped my home life and work life round – why can’t I be happy in both?! Anyway, like others I’ve decided to start looking elsewhere, just like we couldn’t change our partners mindset I can’t my work’s, so I change what’s in my control – my employer! x

I’m really sorry to hear these posts.
It’s so unfair and discrimination.

You have all done so amazing to get on with your lives regardless of the abuse you were subjected to.

I’m very fortunate in my job.
My boss has been fantastic, telling me any day I don’t feel like coming in, don’t.
I had a little cry today in her office, and I apologised and she said please don’t apologise.
She gets it’s going to take me a long time to process what happened to me and then heal.

I believe if I had been through this at my previous job it would have been a different story.
The abuse was happening at my previous job, and I believe people suspected but didn’t say anything or get involved.
I really think they left me to suffer in silence.
I didn’t tell a soul.
I was also in the management so I had a very challenging job, dealt with staff wages and rotas and had pregnancies whilst there.
There were mothers with a few issues and I bent over backwards to help and support them, and they were very grateful.
No-one above me offered me that care and support.
I didn’t even give myself it even though I could to the other working mums x

I find it horrible that workplaces have issues with this and it’s more of how society treats domestic violence survivors overall. Lack of education by the government in general – I have a lot to say in this topic. It’s a difficult effect to deal with.