Divorcing but still feeling guilty

Hi CM, it sounds to me like you are dreaming about how it could have been, which is very normal and expected, however, your feelings are not based in reality, they stem from the what ifs.

In reality, what you are saying is, you dont want your daughter to grow up in abuse.

You also want her to have positive role models, if she sees you stuck in a miserable relationship, what does this say to her? That its ok. Our own parental relationship gives us the blueprint for our relationships in life – what does your blueprint show her? How would you like it read?

You’re feeling loss, loss of the hopes and dreams, loss of how you hoped it would be, and even loss of the relationship for her and you; you will most likely be feeling all your losses in these moments as well, which amplifies how you feel, loss seems to trigger this, there’s kind of no such thing as exereincing one loss, we seem to expereince all of our losses after each; I imagine the loss of your own father will be in the mix of your emotions, for example, are you missing the father he was and also feeling this is what your daughter will miss? Only she and you have different fathers so it is not or would not be the same.

This is part of the process and you will get past this.

Happy mum, happy baby. He can support his child and you as her mum without you living together – this is what good dads do. It’s probably better now while she is young and doesn’t know it to be any other way, rather than later, there is a lot of research out there now from grown children – they often say they wished she’s left sooner so they didnt have to endure it, its burdomesome for them; she will be fine if you go now while she is so small. It gives you chance to get the life you want and to grow into being the person you want to be and for her to experience.

Be with your feelings of loss, but do not act on them, see them for what they are. Good luck. FL.x

okay i share two sides of the coin with this one. i have a big gap between my kids. so with my first child i stayed right up to her teens the abuse got worse and worse over time – she is now very damaged as a result – our relationship was undermined by him in a huge and devastating way. my youngest daughter – the courts stopped the contact with him – we had been apart from her early years but he still had an effect on her through contact visits – she is thriving i have to say – i do get what your saying though about not having your dad around.

as fizz says (and ive payed the ultimate price) children learn from their parents, he would teach her to disrespect you. so how good a role model is he? if he cared so much about his child and you he would not behave violently towards you infront of her.kids learn much more by watching what their parents do than what they say.it really boils down to how his behaviour and attitudes are affecting YOUR relationship with your child.your her mother, and your connection with her needs take your highest priority. being with him would harm your ability to be a good mother, as you are capable off doing now, this concern has to be top of your list. so in essence spending less time around him might be better for your daughter and for her relationship with me,not worse. he is behaving in an abusive way, not you, therefore she is better in your hands – btw well done using the contact centre best option over and over take care much luv diy mum xx

you not me sorry! lol xx

You are actually saving you and your child from a life of dysfunction and misery. You can rebuild the financial side but rebuilding your mental health is completely different. Getting out now will give you and chance to recover, with help. Staying with him will scar you forever. Ask yourself what advice you would give a friend in the same situation. I would say better to come from a broken home than an abusive one. Abuse very often escalates after childbirth and I was put into a post natal depression box. My mental health was all down to the escalation of abuse behind closed doors. I’ve been away for several years but I am still in therapy. You can expect him to be as difficult and abusive as he was when you were together. Actually for me his behaviour got worse so protect yourself legally because if he has the chance he will destroy you. In his mind he is the victim now. It’s gloves off I’m afraid. Keep all the evidence you can of finances, bank statements, his abusive behaviour. Keep a journal for yourself and go total zero contact. Use a solicitor. Contact your local women’s aid too for support and keep posting. All these men behave the same way and you can learn a lot from us on here who have travelled the road you’re on. You can do this. You will get through this. Keep moving forward x

Hi there, if you read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft it will give you the answers you are looking for. Abusers get a high from being abusive, and like all drugs they need more and more to feel good. This is learned behaviour which he chooses to act on. Not all children who had sh…y childhoods or were given everything they wanted go on to be abusers. Everyone of them try to justify why they are the way they are, it’s NEVER their faults. You could have been mother Theresa, he’d still have found fault with you.
Good luck
IWMB 💕💕