2nd March 2016 at 9:27 pm #10881
So i broke free a year ago – we have three kids – were together (detail removed by moderator) years – I was advised to stop all contact with the children – he took me to court – manipulated the professionals – won access and the court insisted that I open a channel of communication with him – so e-mail was thought the least intrusive -but he e-mails up to 70 times a week – threatens me with court action over the kids, maintenance cuts, social services etc etc – no-one (official) seems to care – anyone have any advice as to how to get my voice heard in order that this can be at least limited or at best stopped?? I’m not sure I can face having to live like this for the next 15 years – ive fought so hard to break free yet the courts have allowed him a channel of continued abuse – hes just as much of a bullying presence and constant threat as he was when we were together – i come so far, lost so much and achieved nothing :o(
2nd March 2016 at 9:57 pm #10883katieloveParticipant
I would definitely contact the police as this is harassment. I would use that word and tell them that you find it distressing.
2nd March 2016 at 10:04 pm #10884
The police simply are NOT interested – he never threatens physical harm to me or our children so they say its not harassment.
That’s what I mean about getting my voice heard – I feel i’m not listened to
2nd March 2016 at 10:07 pm #10885Peaceful PigParticipant
How awful for you. It’s so damaging to experience such ongoing abuse and so unfair when you’ve been through so much to break free. You’re right, no-one cares. My ex gets to me via the children. No-one cares about that either. But I agree about the police. They have always taken harassment seriously for me and 70 emails a week definitely counts as that! It’s unbearable, put a stop to him xx
2nd March 2016 at 10:15 pm #10886KIP.Participant
Have you tried using a third party. A friend or your parents that he can email to screen his rubbish and they only tell you about changes of contact times or urgent messages. He will get bored if it’s not you he’s directly contacting. You can go total no contact with him which will minimise the mental pain. If you tell him not to contact you directly and he carries on. That’s harassment. Did you speak to the domestic abuse police. There is a specially worded message you send to someone like him which states if he makes contact again it will be reported to the police. Let him take you to court for access but you do not have to have any contact with him. One lady uses a contact book which the child takes on visits and information is passed through that.
Who advised you to stop all communication and why? They may be able to help. You can always ring the helpline too. Tell the court that contact with him is affecting your mental health! Stress it is making you ill and do not be bullied into contact. Use a third party.
2nd March 2016 at 11:35 pm #10891
Thank you everyone x
I like the idea of a contact book – but as I say the Judge in the child access case insisted that a direct communication line be open – prior to that I was at ‘no contact’ – i was forced to provide and e-mail account for his use – I think I shall have another attempt at getting help from the police, if nothing comes from it it will at least log that I still feel there is an issue of Harassment for the next time we go to court.
We have an access order in place that is very prescriptive – but he simply cant stick to arrangements and/or agreements and so even though it has only been in place for 3 months he is currently launching a new battle to increase his contact rights – he wants to get access to my home phone line and the right to call the children daily, he wants to get access to pick-up and drop off at my property,this currently happens at my parents place so that I don’t have to be present – as he has now realized that he doesnt actually have any ‘window’ to me he’s ramping up his behavior with threats to try and get me to be present at drop off – saying that me not being there is proof that I don’t care about my children (they are my world!) – he’s even saying he’s going to social services to get me investigated as he says that ‘not caring enough to be there to collect them’ at drop off suggest detachment and ‘unfit mothering’
I am 100% positive that any investigation into my parenting skills will absolutely affirm my ability to care for them emotionally, physically, practically and mentally!!
I just get low because i naively thought that once the access order was in place that would be a tool to distance him and it would be one less thing for him to affect control through – oh how wrong was I – it simply an added tool in his arsenal of abuse weaponry – he ‘hits’ me with it repeatedly!!! It’s hard to maintain focus on the end of the tunnel when the light appears to be firmly out!
sorry – ranting xx
3rd March 2016 at 9:21 am #10898SerenityParticipant
I can sympathise. I have been total no contact with my ex for a year and a half, despite having two children ( be they slightly older- tweenie and teen ).
How I manage this is having my mum as third party contact.
I was pushed to open a designated email account, but I managed to get them to agree to letting my mum be third party long term.
I think this was because they could see the distress he was causing me and whilst they didn’t seem him a risk to my kids ( he is), I think they realised that he was abusing me. I shook my head firmly and had the words if my DV worker in my head: ‘No one can force you to be in touch with your perpetrator.’
People who haven’t been at the receiving end of such abuse might tell us to get a grip and just read the emails, but they don’t understand. They don’t understand the damage direct contact with such a person does. Each word of theirs is poison, and does untold harm. Our healing is prevented by direct contact.
I think that maybe you have two options:
1) Take it back to court and make a plea for a third party intermediary. You can print out any abusive mails as evidence, and any letters from professionals ( counsellors, GPs, etc) to support your claim.
2) Do you have anyone who you trust and who might be willing to help you who you don’t think would be negatively affected by reading his tripe, who could be your ‘reader’ and read the emails for you, then merely relay to you the facts from it you need to know? Then you could even get them to type your short reply?
My brother-in-law did this for me for a while. He ‘sanitised’ the despicable emails for me, only relaying very short and factual info which I needed to know ( dates etc). Thus, I didn’t have to hear or read his cutting comments or poisonous choice of words.
I am scared that even reading a contact book penned by him might affect you badly. If your ex is anything like mine, he is a master of the pen as well, writing stuff that can make you feel worthless.
3rd March 2016 at 9:38 am #10900tobehappyParticipant
I use a contact book although I agree with all the other advice you have received. I have worked so hard on my own mind set and this has helped me deal with things. I know you said he is threatening to call social services. Mine does the same on one hand but then when challenged says why would he ever do that because of all the horrible things I’m saying about him. I have decided that I am doing everything I can in the best interests of my kids and I seek professional advice when necessary. If he did phone SS then fine. I would like to show them what a good job I’m doing despite what he does to sabotage things. I do still worry but have turned it around enough in my head that it is no longer a threat. A friend of mine went through something similar and her ex did call ss. She simply showed them what she was doing and it showed her ex up to be the knob that he is!
He threatens court routinely and it scares the hell out of me as my worst nightmares regarding my kids could come true but I have realised that I will just drive myself mad thinking about it. My efforts are best spent making sure my kids (and me) are having a good life. I note down things that the kids say that may be used as evidence. I keep all written records and texts that he sends (for evidence). Each time he puts something really hurtful I think, well there’s another piece of evidence. Don’t get me wrong, it still gets to me but I try and turn it round in my mind so that there is some sort of benefit for us. I figured I can only control my response.
It has taken me months/years to get to this point and my ex doesn’t send so many emails but I wanted to be as free as possible and what better way to be free than if his tactics no longer work. It is a daily battle and I am sure it will be far worse if/when we do go to court but I do my best not to think about it. I can only collect the evidence and get the best out of life now and I am d**n sure he is not going to ruin that!
Sorry, I have gone on a bit. I really hope you can find the strength in yourself to be free in your mind. All the best. x*x
3rd March 2016 at 10:01 am #10901SerenityParticipant
To Be Happy:
You sound so strong and brave! I aim to get where you are eventually. Fir now, I need to protect myself at all costs, as I am nit long out and still quite raw in some ways.
It was great to read your post and hear that you can return to that level of strength x
3rd March 2016 at 12:55 pm #10909
Oh My Goodness – how wonderful is this forum!!
You guys have no-idea (or maybe you do ;o)) how amazing it is to hear that other women are feeling the same way I do, dealing with the same situations and having similar emotional responses to them – having confirmation of that is the most incredible gift – Thank you all so much for sharing! xx
The ‘survivor isolation’ is one of the hardest things to cope with – this alleviates that – there are people that understand – there are people who believe you – there are people who see what you are dealing with – relief!
my ex displays all the classic abuser behaviors – denial, a huge hate campaign which is constant and ongoing – he posts all over social media – even stealing my credit card statements and posting a photo of them and sending out copies to all and sundry as I bought myself underwear ( he wouldn’t let me have any new underwear for the last (detail removed by moderator) years we were together – therefore it was one of my firsts acts of freedom!) He writes fictitious e-mails as if they are from me which talk about people, my friends or family in a derogatory manner and presents them to those people telling them – “you never knew her – look what she says about you!” – he maintains a constant ‘noise’ in my life via the e-mail – or via third parties who he contacts and tells them to in turn contact me – I think its all to try and keep me in that ‘fuzzy brain’ state that you get into where you cant think straight through all the c**p! I fight really hard not to let that happen but occasionally it gets too much!
I’m hoping one day he will run out of energy – I never respond, I only respond to the e-mails when an answer is required for the access arrangements and then only in a short efficient manner – I dont wish to fan the flames!
I’m free and I’m staying that way! ;o)
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