29th November 2020 at 3:03 am #116992DistraughtParticipant
Hi, so I came out of 1 abusive relationship in which my ex was emotionally abusive and still is now towards me. He tries to control me by using the kids and the house. He won’t agree to anything (detail removed by Moderator) He would rather not see the kids at all than (detail removed by Moderator) and give me set days. I’m stuck and he won’t let me sell the house either. However, whilst I stay in this house I’m financially secure and don’t have to rely on my current partner for anything.
Now My current relationship started with us being so In love. However, there were warning signs that I should of seen sooner. The way he speaks to others, the amount of drinking, his ex accusing him of abuse.
So on a daily basis he shouts at me and swears at me. I’ve started to retaliate and shout back where I say it’s not normal behaviour. I swear back (does that mean I’m becoming abusive). My children ask why I’m still with him as he upsets me all the time. His children have noticed also. He calls me names like d**k and k**b. I’ve also started to call him back as I am sick of it.
He use to be so affectionate and now it has dwindled. He only tells me he loves me when I say it first. He thinks that it is my job to be at his beck and call and do as he says. When I don’t or we argue he withholds affection and says I don’t deserve it.
He can be great with my children but also be horrible like laughing when they hurt themselves. He doesn’t pay me much to live with me and often says if I won’t do something he will cut the money that week. He doesn’t but still I feel it is a weekly battle to get money from him. If the pubs were open he’d find an excuse daily to go. He wouldn’t let me know how long he’s going to be. He would make me anxious by ignoring my calls. When he’s had a drink he can be more loving but then say something that upsets me.
After I’ve said all of this,!I feel it doesn’t sound that bad but I daily find that he upsets me in 1 way or another. He doesn’t control what I do like my ex did. It’s just how he speaks to me. I’ve started to get stronger and told him to leave many of times. He says it’s me that is the problem because I’m a d**k and don’t listen. I know I am
Rubbish at listening but I don’t deserve to be shouted at. It’s wearing me down but making me realise I don’t want a relationship where I constantly walk on egg shells wondering if I say something that will annoy him.
29th November 2020 at 7:07 am #116995KIP.Participant
You need to get him out at all costs. Talk to your local women’s aid. It’s too much for you to handle on your own. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. He enjoys abusing you, goading you and loves when he gets a response from you. So don’t give him one. He’s turning you into someone you’re not. Abusers are always wonderful in the beginning but that’s just a mask they wear to hook us in. Once they have us hooked then the real man appears. The nasty abuser he is. They are parasites and will suck you dry emotionally. I’d get the police to remove him if he won’t leave. It’s your home and he’s abusive. It will once again be impacting your children and they deserve better. Abusing you in front of them is child abuse. It can be argued that calling him names is abusing him and he could report you to social services. Please tread very carefully and get him out your life safely. Talk to womens aid about a safe exit plan and remember these men are most dangerous when we try to leave them. You can ask the police using Claire’s law if he has previously been involved in domestic abuse. Google the cycle of abuse and the power and control wheel.
29th November 2020 at 8:04 am #116997DistraughtParticipant
Thanks for your response. I will get in touch with women’s aid this week. The funny thing is I’ve done this all before. This time would be easier I suppose as I have no ties. I did Claire’s law and it came back fine. Although, I knew that his ex had him arrested a few times but he explained why and it seemed reasonable. He was never charged with anything. She said he was abusive and had women’s aid involved also. His children have said they don’t want to stay with me, they actually like me. They have said it’s because of his shouting towards me and my children. If they can notice in (detail removed by Moderator) days then clearly there is a problem.
I once said you have no respect for me and he responded: how can I respect you. He says I pick at everything he does, probably because I’ve had enough.
So shouting and swearing at me daily for things that shouldn’t matter is abuse, sometimes he’s even manipulating. It started with asking me to go to the shop and I use to do it. Now I don’t, he makes me feel bad for it. My friend has been telling me for a while to get rid. I should just take her advise. I wanted to have this Christmas with him because actually I think it will be better with him for my kids. I want to see him not get his own kids for Christmas so that he can suffer. Surely if I loved him, I wouldn’t think that. I know he doesn’t deserve to have them. He can’t care about them that much if he does the 1 thing he’s not supposed to when he has them- (detail removed by Moderator).
29th November 2020 at 8:44 am #117001KIP.Participant
If his ex had him arrested then that should have shown up on Claire’s Law and I’d go back and ask why you were not told this. There’s something very wrong there. Speak to a supervisor at the police station or the domestic abuse unit. You don’t need to have a conviction for it to show on a Claire’s Law. If they’ve missed his ex then they may well have missed others too. He won’t suffer without his kids at Christmas. Abusers don’t care. He will ruin your Christmas because they can’t stand to see us happy. If you want your kids to have a good Christmas you need to get rid of him well before. They’ve even told you they don’t like him. Listen to them. Abusers are liars and manipulators. Do not believe a word he says x
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