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Well well well. I’m back. I haven’t dared read my old posts as I don’t want to trigger myself. Boy have I come a long way though. Not sure anyone will remember me I wasn’t here long.
I have cptsd, BUT I do much much better now. It all ended in (detail removed by Moderator) and here I am in 2023 (detail removed by Moderator) years later. Doing much better than I was, but still have the cptsd symptoms that bother me.
So… getting to the point, it’s been (detail removed by Moderator) years of no contact. I STILL worry that one day he is going to come after me. Especially now that I am starting to share myself more publicly again on social media etc
I have these anxiety attacks where I’m terrified he is stalking me or getting others to. It’s the kind of thing he’d do. But he’d be completely secret about it. He was so calculated. He knows where I live.
I’m currently considering deleting all public profiles or even changing my name/using an alias. Just because I don’t want him to search me and him to see me and it provoke him.
The police never took me seriously. But he is dangerous. I just worry that one day he will get into a rage, be at the end of his rope, blame me and then come find me to end me before ending himself or something like that.
My question is, am I worrying unnecessarily? And what should I do? Do I tell the police? I can not think of anything worse than telling the police anything because of the way they treated me. It would probably send me into a frenzy of cptsd symptoms for weeks/months. That’s the last thing I want or need. Plus I don’t want them to contact him due to my contacting them and then provoking him when actually he was never going to do anything…
Id just appreciate some advice because I feel I’m really ready to take some important steps forward with my life but my security is important to me and I know that he is dangerous. I know that there is a risk I just don’t know whether my cptsd blows it out of proportion.
Any help would be greatly appreciated
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Hi and welcome back. I’ve read your post just as I’m awake now too, and thought WOW I can relate to you on some of what you say. I can’t offer any advice as I’m not in your position but I can sympathize with your anxiety, the cptsd, I have this myself and your experience of being treated by the police the way you were sounds like my own experience. I just want to send you support and say it’s not surprising you feel the way you do. There are some real monsters out there aren’t there! Feeling protected and taken seriously is so so important to our mental health isn’t it. Stay safe❤️
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Hi HazyDayz,
It absolutely is. I have been traumatised by both police and nhs unfortunately. It’s tough yes. And yes monsters indeed. To be honest I absolutely hate the fact that he still has this kind of little power over me years on. And yet he could be quite happy completely moved on not even a thought in his head about me (I sincerely hope that is the case). But I still have to worry about it. It’s tough. They live their lives and we are not quite free of them.
I have learned to live with my symptoms. I know I will never be the same again but I try to just let myself be a better person because of what I’ve experienced and not look at the negative, as difficult as that is. I just feel it’s a way of taking my own power back.
I’m a warrior. So are you. -
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Hi Jessicajones,
I’m sorry to hear that the police were not helpful to you. I am so shocked that this sort of thing is not treated with the sensitivity and protection the survivors deserve. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job of recovering, you should be proud of yourself.
I think with social media: I would do what makes you feel the most safe, if that is to change your name into a alias then that might ease your mind- go for it. I read a few articles on possibly keeping your friend list low and requesting your friends and family to hide their own friend lists so that your abuser cannot find you through their lists.
With other safety and security: I have a ring doorbell, cameras around my house, burglar alarms, dashcams in my car- my ex doesn’t know where I live but I’ve done it for my own peace of mind.
It’s been a long time since I left but I do have a few similar intrusive thoughts, especially where his behaviour was so unpredictable. I think I would contact the police if there is immediate danger or you suspected stalking. Other than that you may have to consider an injunction- which may end up provoking him.
I have CPTSD and anxiety, the anxiety attacks eased up a little while after I left my ex and I have been in a much better place with it for a long time.
I think the only thing I wish I did /might still do would be self defence classes.
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Hi OctoberSunshine,
Thank you so much 🙂 I am really proud of myself. I have come a very long way. And yes, survivors deserve SO MUCH more than how we are treated. It really is shocking. I won’t go into it cause in the past I’ve had my comments removed for saying too many bad things about the police… but they certainly need to improve… THAT’S FOR D**N SURE.
Thank you for your advice. It is like you say, it is the unpredictability that bothers me. Even though it has been years, I specifically remember him plotting to hurt people who had ‘wronged him’ from 10+ years ago, hatching a plan… which is why I sometimes worry he will do the same with me.
In all likelihood, he is with someone else, or has been with many other people. He is obsessed with them now, may even have children with them, and I perhaps cross his mind from time to time when he is very low and he decides that his life is all my fault. Although considering how long it has been potentially someone other poor person has replaced me in that area now. It is probably now all someone else’s fault.The thing with social media is, I’m afraid if he sees me or perceives me to be doing well, it will make him incredibly jealous.
And I also HATE the fact he could be checking up on me now and again. It makes me so mad. Why should he get to have any information on me or my life?
I don’t do facebook. I have a profile set to private with a profile picture but I never use it. I don’t have many friends on there anyway and noone I have contact with really uses it.
I have other profiles though, ones he could potentially find, and that I believe he probably does search for occasionally at least. I don’t know for sure. There’s that possibility, OR the other is that he has literally wiped me from his brain completely (I hope to god it’s that one!) He had a n**********c/psychopathic personality so, they discard don’t they. I’m done with now. I certainly hope so! lolWhat I worry about is him going through a stage where he is very low and unstable and angry. Then searching for me on social media, seeing me ‘doing well’, and then becoming enraged and going out of his way to ruin me. Which he threatened to do so many times.
He has no public profiles on social media. So I have no way of seeing how he’s doing. And yes I have searched, purely to get an idea of where he is at in life to assess how safe I am from him. But he keeps hidden away.
That and I occasionally search his name for news to see if he has been in it for any criminal activity… because it wouldn’t surprise me.
So it is really difficult to make a decision on this.Sounds like you have a good security setup! I definitely need to invest in some cameras! And a burglar alarm. I have been meaning to do that for a long time. I just don’t want it to make me more obsessive and check it all the time.
That’s the thing with having cptsd isn’t it. You don’t know if you’re just having a kind of emotional flashback or whether it’s real. It is a bit of both really because having been with dangerous people it is I would say wise to be a little paranoid. But also, my flashbacks can make me panic as if things are happening right now so that is when it becomes a little over the top. It’s rough isn’t it.I’m going to have a really good think about it, and I think I am going to call some helplines perhaps to help me think it through.
Also, I was obsessed with the idea of doing self-defence classes and also never did it! I really want to now but I can’t currently for reasons I won’t go into. Would definitely in the future though! Again though I worry it would trigger me for obvious reasons. I want to do krag maga and that looks pretty intense!
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Hello Jessica Jones sorry for what your going thought I understand. Please take things easy and I found women aid was more use to me than the police to be honest they will help you 100% they did with me and I left my ex boyfriend safe with my children Please talk to women aid phone them up when your in a safe place you can even chat on line if that is better even do that when you go to the toilet then he will not know what your doing it’s very important that you keep safe . (detail removed by Moderator) I hope you get the help you need your not alone keep strong
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Hiya JessicaJones,
I can resonate with everything your saying. My situation is a little similar, I’ve moved on, started a family- my relationship with the abuser was long ago but I do worry where his behaviour was so unpredictable especially when I am in certain locations, or if i’m with my children in certain locations. He is an opportunist, so I fear that he may do something in public to embarass me or even just go into a rage.
I must admit I have also looked on his social media profile purely to assess how dangerous he is, in the hope that he might be preoccupied with a new supply. No information at all, but I did some digging and found that there was some changes in his life that may have further effected his mental stability.
I AlSO do the checking news thing, and local news- I thought it was just me. His behaviour was so volatile, and lacked any emotional regulation.
If I see him anywhere in public I know to just get as far away of him as quickly and safetly as possible. If not locate a security guard, or phone the police. And remain under CCTV if possible. I saw somewhere about someone suggesting even taking our your own phone and filming if they try anything- not sure about this as it might end up aggrivating them further- but thought I would share in case it was useful at all. I know if you are approached or spoke to you can say loudly and clearly “please leave me alone” loud enough to alert attention if it carries on “please can someone help me, this person is harassing me” at least initially before calling the police. I’d say for me, having an action plan helped ease my anxiety.
Having said that, with my situation, he is equally concerned about getting that external validation (strangers paricularly). Although the mask does slip from time to time, his need for stranger validity is higher.
My facebook profile is not hidden, and I haven’t blocked him. For me I don’t see why I should hide from him, or limit myself because I care about him or what he thinks. I do from time to time worry about the risks, so I can understand- but I try and focus on the fact that there has been no contact.
Essentially now I have just accepted that the likely chance that I will bump into him are slim and if I do I have my action plan.
It is nice to know that there are similarities in the experience for sure.
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