(detail removed by Moderator) years free and ……

i’m so sorry to hear this PJ, it is incredibly difficult breaking away from the horrible relationship, mentally & emotionally. Its the most challenging thing that I have ever had to face. Maybe rather than viewing the whole change of life scenario as wrong & a mistake, just viewing your current location not suitable for your needs? this will make it more manageable and less overwhelming? If you could move back closer to your family and then look at different strategies to build up your independence? The abuse is so mentally powerful, my ex’s hooks were and still are to some extent so deeply imbedded into me i could not mentally break free, it is a daily challenge. Its so helpful to read as much as you possibly can on abuse and also post as much as you can on here as this forum has got me through. X*X

Hi Plain Jane,

It takes so long to get over the trauma of an abusive relationship. Often, even after the abusers has gone physically, we find we are just ‘existing’ for a long time.

In order to get away, we have had to make emergency, rash decisions which wouldn’t have been our first choice.

Plus, our abusers rob us so much of our identity, isolate us from those we love, etc- it can seem so hard to get that identity back again.

I would say that it is a positive thing that you have posted here. You’ve stated the truth, that you’re not happy. You have an idea of what will make you happy ( being near your family).

Don’t lose hope. Be compassionate with yourself. Think of these past (detail removed by Moderator) years as being you having succeeded in surviving and getting out ( no mean feat ) but also a period where full life has been on hold.

You can go after the things that will make you happy. Believe it. You have the ability to recover and achieve. It is painful being a victim of abusive circumstances, it can take so much from us, but we can’t take steps to make the changes we need ( I keep telling go myself!).

I sense in your post not merely despair, but a resolve to get back to those things which are important to you.

Here is a lovely quote:

“Today is a new day. Don’t let your history interfere with your destiny…You have the power and you have time to shape your life. Embrace the truth of your greatness. You were not meant for a mundane or mediocre life.”

(detail removed by Moderator)

Hey HUn

DOnt be hard on yourself, haling takes times, r u takign counselling, i found starting exercixes such as walking really help me mentally , is there any new hobbies u could start

You may have posttraumatic stress. That makes the life after fleeing the abuse really hard. You need to pester your GP to get help with that.
You have done so well starting a new life. It takes time to get used to the new situation.

I have moved around a lot.

One thing I know that your problems follow you were ever you go.

Apart from your family, what are the pros of going back?

The other issue is that you might be underestimating him. Abusers find it hard to let go truly even if they have a new victim, they find it hard to resist controlling an old one.

You may also be overestimating your family’s ability to support you. If they could’nt support you so much that you had to go to a refuge and they can’t support you from where you are now, what makes you think it will be different when you move back.

Becoming co-dependent or dependent on only certain individuals can cause a strain. Even carers have time off to themselves.

PTSD is really something that needs to be tackled by a professional who is specifically trained in that and who is objective.

If your family are your parents they won’t be around forever. If your family are your siblings don’t they have their own lives to look after too. If your family are your adult children, the same they have their own lives.

I understand where you are coming from. The first time I lived alone I was chronically lonely which led to me ending up with my abusive husband.

Now I know what to do with that loneliness so I don’t make the same mistake.

If you haven’t had specialised Dv counselling and a women’s group like the Freedom Programme for minimum a year each and 5 years have not passed since the last abusive contact from him, I cannot recommend going back to your home town. He is still a very real threat.